Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Relationships
am i being unreasonable?
veryfedup · 17/04/2003 21:52
i am really getting fed up with my dh and wondered if anyone else is in a similar situation(have changed name for this)we get on reasonably well most of the time and he's a great dad BUT every time he has to pop out somewhere (which is quite often with his job usually involving meeting someone in pub etc) for one thing or another i always ask him what time he will be back it's not that i'm desperate for him to get back or anything but it's just something i like to know. anyway sorry to ramble but he never comes back when he says he will, if he says 8.30 it's 9.30, 9.30 it's 10.30 and so on. he'll say things like "oh sorry i bumped into so and so and got talking" i always feel angry that he'd rather do that than come home to me and kids. i start moaning and then we have a row. he always says i am being far too petty over half hour or an hour. in fact his words just were "one hour late big deal" (he's done it just tonight you see. I ring his mobile and often he doesn't answer and then tells me he'd left it in the car. am i being unreasonable i just feel that he can pop off somewhere and is so much more "free" than i am because of kids i can't just get up and go out at night cos of kids and bed etc. i have to give notice for an aerobics class just in case it's inconvenient.sorry for moaning but i'm fed up advice please?????
bushpig · 17/04/2003 22:39
It sounds as if he is benefitting from your sense of duty. What would happen if you just went out? Would he cope (of course he would).
Or, if you tell him seriously that you are feeling unhappy about the way things are, get him to commit a time to talk about it. if he values the relationship, he will spend the time.
Honestly., I feel there is an imbalance, and you ARE NOT BEING UNREASONABLE>
I hope it works out for you.
bushpig · 17/04/2003 22:40
It sounds as if he is benefitting from your sense of duty. What would happen if you just went out? Would he cope (of course he would).
Or, if you tell him seriously that you are feeling unhappy about the way things are, get him to commit a time to talk about it. if he values the relationship, he will spend the time.
Honestly., I feel there is an imbalance, and you ARE NOT BEING UNREASONABLE>
I hope it works out for you.
jac34 · 18/04/2003 07:39
My DH is very good at timekeeping, but I had a boyfriend years ago, who never turned up on time, and it used to drive me mad.
On one occasion he was about 3 or 4 hours late for a date, and by the time he turned up, I'd gone to bed !!When he rang the door bell and woke me up, he couldn't understand why I was so annoyed.
He was a lovely bloke but he was so unreliable it really turned me off him.
susanb · 18/04/2003 15:29
No, you're not being unreasonable, he is. My dp has various work commitments, for eg he went to a 'short' meeting last night which meant him leaving the house from 6.30 til 10.30 pm! He also plays football and has attended evening classes in the past plus he works 2 nights a week as part of his job as being a fireman which means he leaves the house at 5 pm until the next day. However, he does compromise, and when ds was small and didn't have a set bed time he cut down on football in the evenings, etc so I could have a break. I also have a regular girls night out every couple of weeks come rain or shine and know that I could go out whenever and he would positively encourage it. However I do remember feeling very tied down when ds was born and thinking that his life continued as normal whearas mine didn't. We dicussed it and he honestly didn't realise how bad I felt about it but he certainly did after our discussion!
You shouldn't feel that you are constantly tied down to the kids, he is their father and should take just as much time in the evenings to tend to them as you do.
Susan
xx
prufrock · 18/04/2003 21:25
My dh always used to come home later than he said he would. I hated it. It wasn't him going out (he was usually entertaining clients) so much as the totally unrealistic expectations of his return time. But he is now very good. The thing that helped us was that I stopped nagging him to come home (I'm not saying you do this) and told him he could stay out as long as he wanted, but I needed to know when he was coming home as otherwise I worried that something had happened to him. And I asked him to make sure that if he was going to be later than he had said, to call me.
WedgiesMum · 18/04/2003 22:48
I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. But I do think men have a different idea of what time means, Prufrock has a good plan but be warned it may not work. I've tried that one with Dh and although it works for about two weeks after I say it he does revert back. I think its a male control thing, they like to be in control of their own movements and don't like to feel you are 'telling' them what to do - at least that's how it seems with my Dh. He SHOULD behave more responsibly - after all you'd call in if you were going to be late - but sometimes they just don't see it as such a big deal or a big responsibility, and that is very very very frustrating. Without being pessimistic you may have to 're-frame' this one and ensure that you go out regularly leaving him in charge, and that means most weeks if you can (I go to a late Weight Watchers meeting, which is a bit sad I know) even if it is just to a friends for coffee, but make sure it for a good couple of hours. You may find that you have a different perspective if you get some away from the family time. I personally feel most frustrated when it feels like its me with all the responsibilities and none of the outside life...
Best of luck in tackling it. Hope this ramble helps!
Batters · 18/04/2003 22:54
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
fallala · 19/04/2003 11:01
vfu, for what it's worth I do think you are being unreasonable.
I don't really think being an hour or two later than anticipated is such a big deal . Just make sure you dio the same yourself from time to time.
I do know what you mean about it being annoying he would rather chat in the pub than come home to you and the kids, but quite frankly I would rather chat to a pal for an hour than go home to dh and the kids a lot of the time!!!
Also, I think basically most men are a bit arsey and you have to give them a bit of leeway or else they feel put upon.
mmm · 19/04/2003 17:37
I can relate to that . Maybe he doesn't realise that perhaps you really need that time he's away to help you with the kids, cos it sure makes it easier than when it's just you. Or maybe you feel trapped and you need some more time alone for just you. I think it's a power thing people being unpunctual. I daresay I'm making it into something that perhaps it isn't. I don't think that people who don't look after kids full time realise how much bloody hard work it is and how important "me" time is. I think it's time for some serios negociation ! Good luck
smartie · 19/04/2003 20:42
www my sentiments entirely, share and share alike!
Veryfedup, I was in a similar position, over the years my nagging caused nothing but rows, he wouldn't give. For the sake of peace I've given up freaking out and at best (?worst) will drop a one liner regarding his tardiness, this even causes him to unleash a barrage of abuse about how my only wish in life is to control him!
No answers, only empathy. Looking at all these responses it has to be a differnce between the sexes, wouldn't life be simpler if we were gay?
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.