People Visiting you after you have given Birth?!?!?

[kite]

Hello,

I don't know if I have this in the correct section or not?? I am due our second baby in less than 2 weeks ( although I am thinking I will go over in dates).

My sister passed away from Cancer in November & I am heartbroken some days are harder than others and also with the hormones flying at the moment I am really missing her. My father is also very very ill with a heart complaint and they have also discovered a growth on his neck which has been sent off for analysis results are due the same time as my baby.

When DS was born the whole world and it's army came to visit, both in the hospital and to the house I was a bit stunned to be honest by the amount of visitors as I am a very private person normally and found all the visitors while trying to recover from giving birth very stressful. I felt I had no time to bond with my son in the first few weeks as everyone was wanting to visit and hold him.

So my question is how can I be nice to people and tell them to just let me be for a few weeks, I am worried about this as I am afraid I could be very upset after having the baby - my sister when she was alive had an idea of the sex of the baby and they are 75-80% certain that she was right. I really just want time with my DH and the kids first but I don't want to offend anyone either. I don't have the greatest relationship in the world with my in-laws so anything I do my mil will just jump on it??

Any Advice - sorry this is long winded

Thanks

Firstly I am so sorry to hear about your sister - this must be a very bittersweet time for you and you must be very worried for your father. TBH Forget what the inlaws think. This time isnt about them. Just put on your birth plan that you dont want visitors at all so they wont be allowed into the hospital. Then tell your dp that they can visit once for a few hours at around three/four days and that is it. No drop ins, no turn ups and no staying taking over for hours. If they get the hump tough. Its your baby, your body and your time. Good luck xxx

Sorry to hear you're having such a stressful time. What a lot of conflicting emotions to deal with all at the same time.

TBH, at a time like this you can't be responsible for other people's feelings, although I know most of us find that very hard. We declared a 'babymoon' with our first, and asked everyone to respect that for the first few days. Only one person didn't, but her intentions were good (just)! We also had the weapon of all our parents living some distance away, and so we could say 'we want them to be the first to meet DD, and they're not coming up until xxx'. But we're lucky - we do have extremely sensitive parents, and I have a reputation for being pretty assertive and so people don't challenge me often!

You MIL sounds a bit of a handful though - maybe you could state your case (does your DP feel the same, BTW? Could he handle her?) but then come up with a compromise solution? Send your DH out with your DCs for a couple of hours to meet her, so she can't accuse you of keeping her away from her grandchild, perhaps?

It seems entirely reasonable, to this outside eye, that you should want, at the least, minimal intrusion while you adjust to your new family situation and deal with other family pressures. If you do your best to present this in a positive way - ie what you do want; a bit of quiet time, rather than you not wanting to see X or Y - how those people interpret it is down to them. And perhaps if you give them specific times and days when you are happy for them to visit, they may accept it more easily too. then it's not you just saying a blanket 'no', you're presenting an alternative that's acceptable to you.

good luck

Friends of mine pinned a note to the door saying that we were not ready for visitors just yet but would be in touch soon. This I suppose only works for local people who are calling in on the off chance.

By the way, I meant to say that I was sorry to hear about your difficulties . Take care.

So sorry to hear about the loss of your sister kite, and also your father's illness.

With dd1 I was in hospital for 2 nights and we were overwhelmed with visitors (including ils - I have a difficult relationship with mil) I identify with what you say about how it was for you first time round.

With dd2 I was more prepared and barred all visitors for the first night except for dd1 and dh. That imo was very positive for my dd1 and helped her to accept dd2. Mil however wasn't happy. (shame )

The day we got home (late morning) we again barred visitors until dd1 had returned from preschool so she could again spend time with her little dsis. We accepted brief visits from both sets of grandparents (although mil messed us around due to it clashing with her hair appointment ). Also my parents had a 2 hour journey and dropped hints about having to get fish and chips on the way home.

The next day we kept to ourselves, i.e. no visitors at all.

Hope you find a solution.

Ils did turn up a few days later unannounced and made a big deal about "oh don't think you should invite us in" - so we didn't, but she sulked about that for ages. She was also that I deliberately stayed in my pjs on day 4 when they visited with her cousins.

kite So sorry to hear of your loss.

I've not suffered a recent bereavement but I am looking to have a week of no visitors this summer after my 2nd is born too, because we were similarly inundated 1st time round.

It sounds to me as though you don't feel you have the right to ask for no visitors, which makes it a lot harder to be assertive. I'm the same.

You have 2 weeks to go, so this is the time to address this. One idea I've had is to throw a (very low-key) "Baby Welcome party" at my house a week or so after the birth - nothing major, just tea and cake all round (served by someone other than me!) and lots of photos. That way I can tell anyone who wants to visit that they can come then. That might sound a lot of work, but honestly I think that would make me feel more in control than the phone & doorbell going every five minutes and the baby having its naps and feeds disturbed for photos and cuddles.

Just remember that you and your family come first, you will never get these early days back again, and there will be all the time in the world for other people to have their nice long cuddles and photographs.

Good luck!

kite - sorry to hear about your sister & father. Things must be very hard for you at the moment. I would ask your DH to sort the visitor thing out for you - ask him to speak to his parents and family about visiting. Perhaps his family could come round for a short visit once you are home and recovering a bit from the birth.

Get your DH to say to everyone that you are not having any visitors in hospital and make sure you tell the hosptial staff as well.

Also you could ask people to phone your DH's mobile before coming to check if you are up to it. I do think a note on the door saying you are not ready for visitors is fine.

Kite, sorry for your loss. I know how you feel my dad died 3mths before i had ds (21/3/09).

I would ask your dh to explain to everyone that you and him want some time together with just your dc and new baby and he will let them know when to visit.

In my case my inlaws (mil,fil,sil and 2 nieces) decended on us and hour after i got home from hospital after a difficult birth. MIL they wouldn't wait until on the next day because my mum was at our house (she lives around the corner from us and was looking after our dd's) and unfortunly because we had the 'boy' born on both sides for 30yrs.

I wish i had been strong enough just to tell everyone to go away as i had had a difficult birth (back to back delivery, and mins form an emergency c section) it has taken me 3 weeks to recover after pulling all my back muscles.

Not my mum because she was looking after our 2 dd's and cooking dinner for us.

You can tell people to leave you alone: with DS1 we said people could viist in hospital (tbh I was pleased as I found the hospital stay v v boring, plus the mws only let two people in at a time), then NO-ONE at all for two weeks. With DS2 we had our parents to visit a few days afterwards, but again no-one else for the first couple of weeks. I can;t see why they have to see the baby immediately anyway, as long as the rule applies to everyone

I agree with EffiePerine. each time I had a baby I told everyone beforehand (so there were no expectations) that it was important that we had time as just a family to settle into the newness of it all, and that we would be desperate to show off the new baby, so anyone would be welcome to visit a week after we got home (which turned out to be after a week or two in hospital each time due to one thing or another). If anyone minded they never said it to me...

Thank you for all your messages, I really appreciate you taking the time to reply.

My DH was talking yesterday to his mother on the phone & told her how we are feeling & that we have no problem with FIL, his sister & herself coming to hospital to visit but due to what has been happening recently, he would prefer if his aunt's their partners & his granny would leave it for a few weeks & she said whatever we wanted was fine that she understood.

So I was worrying about nothing she said that we have been through enough and what suits us now is fine with her, he said he will talk to his dad today ( his parents are separated and FIL has a girlfriend) & ask his dad not to bring girlfriend & her gang for a few wks as it's unfair.

So hopefully this is all going to be ok??

Thank you again for the replys

Kite

I glad your family understand how you feeling.

That's great kite! Glad you and your family's views have been respected.