Self harm: how bad is bad?

[Queenoftheharpies]

My DP has just put his fist through a wall and cut his arm up.

It's the first time he's cut himself for ages - a good few years - and I thought maybe he'd moved on.

I don't know what to do. He's pottering about now as if nothing at all has happened, with his arm bound up in a bandage, making me cups of tea and trying to cheer me up.

No matter how much I try to rationalise and normalise this behaviour, I can't. It's f*cked up.

If anyone's still awake, I'd welcome some advice.

That's a very violent act.

Er, how close were you at the time? What were the precipitating factors - what was the run-up to the event?

I don't want to give to much detail away because I feel bad discussing him behind his back - but at the same time I'm at the end of my tether here.

But an evening out we'd been planning for ages ended up going wrong - plus he'd been drinking, plus he'd been moaning and negative all evening about one thing or another and I asked him what was going on (in a grumpy way, as in "what is wrong with you tonight?).

I ran upstairs when he punched the wall. Later on he came up with his arm all bound up.

I'm pregnant and I've noticed a distinct deterioration in his mood and his ability to cope with life's small frustrations.

I should stress however, that this isn't a domestic violence case. He's never hurt me physically and says he never will.

I'm worried about his safety, not mine.

My ex DH did this but it was a window not a wall and he did have to go to hospital in case of nerve damage. This doesn't sound so physically difficult but what is going on with him?

Let him go to sleep.

Talk to him tomorrow about this. Try to get some sleep now.

He's asleep now. I'm staying up working because I won't be able to sleep until I'm physically exhausted.

When we first got together I made him get some anger management counselling - and it did work in that incidents of him hurting himself got less serious and more far apart. But the counsellor basically gave up, and said that it would take a serious amount of therapy from someone much more qualified to get to the real issues.

I've mentioned CBT recently but sold it to him badly ('But I don't want to think about things differently').

Bump.

Last night I asked him about how we were supposed to explain events like last night to a child - he said he was aware of his reponsibilities not to smash stuff up in front of the kid, in the same way as he was aware of not swearing in front of it.

Which I guess is something.

I was wondering if there was any point in mentioning it to my GP next time I go - but you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped, can you?

It sounds as if the responsibility he feels about your coming child is weighing him down and he's not sure where to let out the stress. The anger management counsellor may have a point about serious therapy - would he consider this? What do you know about his childhood?

His childhood seems completely free of any kind of incident- He's very close to his mum and dad (far more than I am to mine) and they are devoted to him.

There's nothing obvious I can see. If something happened, it's buried a long way down.

Queen - this sort of issue doesn't come from nowhere. Saying he knows not to smash stuff in front of your DC is not resolving the problem - unless your house has several wings, wherever he goes the baby will either hear him, or see him storm off when he needs to vent. Either that or he will start to repress his frustrations and not vent at all - which might end up being worse.

I'm trying to tackle something similar - although my DH's physical outbursts (hitting walls etc) were always few and far between and haven't happened since DD was born, he is internalising everything and making himself ill. I think it's fairly safe to say that no matter what he isn't telling you (or possibly even himself) about his past, that's where he needs to look. This kind of attitude / behaviour doesn't come from nowhere.

God, I must stop writing such long posts. That's twice I've repeated myself in the space of two paragraphs.

OP - Hitting walls doesn't sound like self-harming to me. It is an outward display of aggression, and hurting his arm in the process was unintentional.

It's an immediate burst of pain and blood, same as cutting.

Yup. That's how he sees it and that's how I see it. Quite often he'll make sure I'm out of the room before he does it. I'm not saying it's not agressive - but it's directed towards himself rather than me.

So what causes him to hate himself so much he needs this violent release? I think he's stressed about the pregnancy, his new responsibilities, and thinking he's not good enough to be a good father - but what causes that thinking in the first place? Must be something in his background?

He does hate himself - he's said that to me a number of times. He's always saying he's a c*t, a shthouse etc.

I don't know where it comes from. His parents seem lovely, decent people.

Do you know anything about his schooling, or involvement with youth activities as a youth? There's something troubling him on a pretty deep level and he needs to address it before it implodes on him.

He's never said anything, although he said that he started feeling angry as a teenager, because he realised that he hates humanity and he hates himself and that society is all a facade.

Mind you, that's quite common teenage thinking.

But in a mid 30s man with a baby on the way, it's a bit worrying.

He sounds like he is headed for some kind of breakdown tbh.
It is worrying his therapist said they couldn't work with him anymore. It sounds like things are buried very deep with him, and agree that this is not "self harm" in it's classic sense -and I really hope I don't offend anyone by that comment but I have had experience of SH.

Well, I don't think the therapist was much of a therapist really - it was a 6-week set of sessions through his work's counselling service. The poor woman was probably used to seeing people who are a bit stressed out by work rather than any kind of serious mental health issue.

But of course one of the uphill battles I now face in trying him to seek help is to make him see the difference between 'counselling' as he's experienced it, and a more heavy-duty intervention by an experienced professional.

I suggested CBT a while back but he says it sounds like brainwashing.