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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I have just discovered that I CANNOT EVER trust my mother again. So sad....

24 replies

EasterFairy · 09/04/2009 15:30

I have always had a pretty good, close relationship with my mother.

My dh and I have been trying for a baby for a long time and have lost 5 pregnancies.

So for the past 4 years, we have been stuck in a never-ending cycle of trying to get pregnant, succeeding in getting pregnant, being pregnant for a while, going through a miscarriage, grieving, and then trying to get pregnant again.

Now, the first 1 or 2 miscarriages I was quite open about and did not treat as a secret in any way.

However, as we suffered more and more, the pain got deeper and harder to talk about. We also quickly learnt how thoughtless some people's comments can be and so have not told a soul about any of later losses. Apart from my mum and dad.

I have now discovered that my mum has discussed my 'situation' with numerous aunties and other friends of hers.

I am currently pregnant again. Things looking good so far this time, but again have only told my parents and my sister so far.

BUT, I have just been congratulated on my pregnancy by someone I barely know in the middle of a busy supermarket, and I am fuming.

How can I confront my mother on this? I really don't want to have a massive family rift or lose my relationship with her completely, but I know that I can never trust her again.

Has anybody ever been through similar? I don't even know whether to bother saying anything to her. Any advice much appreciated...

OP posts:

ChipButty · 09/04/2009 15:32

Did you make it clear to your Mum that you wanted to keep things 'in the family'? My first reaction is that she is just so delighted for you that she wants to shout it from the rooftops. Is this naive of me? I wish you all the luck in the world. xx

mosschops30 · 09/04/2009 15:33

I would imagine that she doesnt realise, as most mothers dont when they discuss your business with all and sundry.

Yes its wrong, and out of order, and yes you will have to tell her not to say anything. I have to do this with my mother all the time, otherwise everyone would know everything

Original poster

EasterFairy · 09/04/2009 15:36

Hi. Thanks for your quick response.

I have always made it abundantly clear that I do not ever want anyone to know about what we have been through, and especially not to know about current pregnancy until we know everything is okay.

She has always known this.

You are right that she has done this just because she is so delighted for me. And also probably because she is worried about me and wants someone to talk to.

I know there is no malicious intent in it. But that does not make it okay to me.....

OP posts:

ComeOeufeneer · 09/04/2009 15:37

She probably talked to aunties/friends, because she needed someone to talk to about her concerns for you etc but couldn't discuss it with you, knowing how tough it has been on you.

BecauseImWoeufit · 09/04/2009 15:41

My mum (sadly no longer with us, 5 years tomorrow ) was just like this. Yes, it was partly because she was pleased and wanted to be involved, but often it was more about her. Sensitivity wasn't always her strong point. When I suffered a mmc, her words, which she thought would be consoling, were "well, at least you're a good carrier".

I'm afraid that you will have to choose carefully what you tell her in future.

MadamDeathstare · 09/04/2009 15:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Onlyaphase · 09/04/2009 15:45

Goodness, I am sorry you are going through this at a time when you really have enough emotions to deal with.

FWIW, I think your mother is out of order - I can see exactly how it has happened as friends and relatives will have asked her how things are going for you after your earlier miscarriages, and so she has just filled them in on the current situation. But, she is an adult with, you would hope, some self control, so she shouldn't have told anyone else what you were going through. Did she not think that this would all get back to you? Or that if there is good news, you might like to spread it yourself?

I guess you could either address it now, and tell her you aren't happy with what has happened and won't be passing on information in future, or just not tell her anything in future you don't want everyone to know. It is a horrible situation, sorry.

And, this is exactly why DH and I have kept details of our (many) IVF treatments to ourselves.

JonVoightBaddyWhoGrowls · 09/04/2009 15:45

ComeO has it I suspect but... if she is going to talk to someone because she also needs to get this stuff off her chest, she should be choosing someone who is actually going to keep it to herself. And you have every right to be annoyed that she hasn't.

MadamDeathstare · 09/04/2009 15:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

EasterFairy · 09/04/2009 15:54

I think what hurts the most is that I have actually had many converstations with her about why I don't want anyone to know.

I have explained to her that every time I lose a baby, I stay in the house/hospital for a couple of weeks until both the physical pain and the initial rawness is over.

Then, I have to pick myself up and go outside and carry on with life. On the days that I am feeling strong enough to walk around town, or attend a family function or whatever, the absolute last thing I want is
a) people commenting on my loss (whether nicely or not)
b) people not commenting on my loss, but all knowing and not saying anything to my face.

OP posts:

lou031205 · 09/04/2009 15:56

EasterFairy, that's hard. But it may just be that your mother has found out that she can't trust someone she thought she could trust.

She will have needs of her own, as your mother, to share with someone, and she may have thought that the person she chose would keep the news to herself.

I think that it is a bit far to withdraw trust from your mum because of this. I hope your pregnancy is one that thrives.

MadamDeathstare · 09/04/2009 15:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hedgiemum · 09/04/2009 15:56

My mum claimed to hear my instruction "I don't want anyone to know I'm pregnant until 13 weeks, apart from you, Daddy and my siblings" as "Only tell extended family" - meaning she told my aunt, who told her son, who posted congratulations on facebook for all to see, when I was 7 weeks!

I was FURIOUS with my mum (who I'm very close to and is usually a huge support to us, though her gossiping had been a bit of an issue in the past) and I sent her a letter explaining what had happened as a result of her actions, and informing her I was too upset to talk to her for a few weeks. She was really scared that it would affect our relationship for ever, and has genuinely changed.

Your mum has betrayed your trust and you -should- discuss how she has made you feel - if you don't it will affect your relationship more than if you do. She needs to understand that trust is earned, and she has not earned to be trusted by you with further details about this pregnancy. She needs to be shocked out of her complacency, so that in future she puts your need for privacy ahead of her own need for someone to talk to about it. So be very, very honest about how devastated you feel (possibly in a letter, I think if I'd talked to my mum face to face, she'd have started to cry when I did, and I'd have felt too guilty to pursue it with her.)

If you are honest with her, and she listens and tries to understand, it leaves you a foundation to begin to build back some trust on. Very slowly though!

Original poster

EasterFairy · 09/04/2009 15:59

If she had picked one carefully chosen and trustworthy friend to talk to because she was also suffering at the loss of her grandchildren, I think I could forgive that.

But I cannot believe that she has now made things more difficult for me, because now everytime I go outside the front door, I am wondering who am I going to see, how much do they know, are they going to say anything....?

Just to be able to go out and switch off from it all, pretend everything's normal for a while. That's all I wanted.

(we live in a very small town, by the way. everybody knows everybody here!)

OP posts:

Original poster

EasterFairy · 09/04/2009 16:08

Hedgiemum - really appreciate you sharing your story.

My mum is also usually a huge support to us. I am trying not to forget about all the good things that she does for me, whilst coming to terms with this betrayal.

I think you are right about the need to explain to her how deeply hurt I am, but I am just not sure that I have the strength for dealing with that kind of issue at the moment.

We have a family meal planned tomorrow, and in all honesty it would just be easier to go along and pretend this hasn't happened than to either confront her with it or not go to the meal.

OP posts:

Pruners · 09/04/2009 16:09

Message withdrawn

Original poster

EasterFairy · 09/04/2009 16:10

Do you think it would be unreasonable to leave the issue for now, but to then bring it up some other time?

Sometime when I am strong enough to deal with it, tell her that I know all about how she betrayed my trust.

OP posts:

MuffinBaker · 09/04/2009 16:12

Being charitable I would summise your mum is so pleased and excited that she couldn't help herself but that is really no excuse.

It is your news, not hers, it is about your wishes, not hers, and she should have respected that.

Maybe by not going to the meal you will let her see how hurt you are. If you go along and do and say nothing she will think it was okay really.

Good luck with your pregnancy.

hedgiemum · 09/04/2009 16:20

In answer to your question, EasterFairy, I don't think she will necessarily realize what a serious breach of trust she's committed unless this is discussed at the next contact you have with her. It will be too easy for her to dismiss if you end up saying "Mum, 2 weks ago such and such happened and it really hurt me..."

Since the result you want from this is for her to change, so that some trust can potentially be re-established in the future, the lack of honesty of covering it up (even if only for the course of a meal) will actually make you more resentful and make it harder in the long run, imo.

Of course - don't talk to her/write to her until you feel ready to, but avoid her until then.

Ultimately, your Mum should be doing anything she can to help your pregnancy to thrive. Spiralling you into emotional turmoil isn't very helpful. I would get talking to her out of the way asap, rather than having it hanging over you...

Stretch · 09/04/2009 16:25

My mother is like that.
Sadly, she does it because she likes to gossip about things, makes her feel important or something?

She even lies to me about her telling people, covers up her lies, stumbles on about nothing, then makes out I am making a big deal about nothing and I'm the bad guy!

I have had 2 m/c in the past, and this time I told her not to say anything to my nana and aunt etc... So I get my aunt ringing me couple of weeks later asking how I am and she says mum told her! Mum says my aunt guessed! Not likely!

Pisses me right off and I now no longer tell her anything I wouldn't want the checkout lady knowing!

She also tells me loads about her workmates, and some of the children she works with, things I shouldn't really know!! (She works in a nursery)

SalBySea · 09/04/2009 16:26

my mum's idea of keeping a secret means only telling her "trusted" friends and sisters

as log as she tells these people "in confidence" the secret is still kept to her mind

My brother and sister in law didnt even know about my pregnancy on my wedding day as I was 11 weeks and wanted to wait till the scan. We just told our mothers but a family friend has since told me that she knew because "a little bird told her"

am pretty sure she has been telling people the sex and our choice of names too even though she's been told not to. To her you are not giving away a secret if you tell the person you tell that its a secret!

I know she's excited, but hey! I'M excited and I'VE managed to say "dont know yet" if people ask do we know the sex

Original poster

EasterFairy · 09/04/2009 16:28

I know you are right. You make complete sense.

I just cannot deal with a rift in the family at the moment. I suppose it is a burying head in the sand tactic, which is really not usually my style, but I just have so much on my plate already at the moment.

Not seeing her until I am ready is not really an option as she only lives round the corner, and we usually see her, my dad, sister etc..... very regularly.

I am tempted to not say anything at all, but just silently give up on the fact that I will ever be able to tell my mother anything confidential again.

I could just accept that whilst she is very good to me in other ways, I can never be open with her about anything I want kept quiet.

Makes me very sad, but looks like that's just the way it is.

OP posts:

SalBySea · 09/04/2009 16:30

"She also tells me loads about her workmates, and some of the children she works with, things I shouldn't really know!! (She works in a nursery)"

LOL mine does that too - tells me her friend's dirty secrets and then tells me not to tell anyone!

I always point out that
A - I dont care or want to know that some woman I dont really know is married to a transvestitie
B - who would I tell anyway since I dont know her or anyone else that knows her, which brings me back to A - why are you even telling me?

Daffodingles2 · 09/04/2009 16:44

I totally understand EasterFairy how hurt and upset you must feel about this.
But Please, don't let it affect your relationship with your mum. She is only human after all and we all have our faults. You know hers now, so in future don't tell her anything she will struggle to keep a secret. As others have said, she may need someone to talk to herself, be worried and concerned for you. I'm sure it's not just gossip.
Why don't you give her a phone now? it's easier to tell her your upset over the phone than in person. Then hopefully it will be over by the weekend and you can have a relaxing break.
Good luck with your pregnancy x

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