Dh lied to me about our debts. Don't know where I we can go from here.

[Crapcreaknopaddle]

Am a regular namechanger. I know I have nothing to be ashamed of but I don't want anyone in RL knowing how much shit we're in

I considered putting this in AIBU - but clearly I'm not, so hence I'm putting it here.

I have been with dh for 11yrs now, married for 7.

We have had a lot of money worries over the last few months, dh has (through no fault of his own) been in and out of work and we are behind on all of our bills. We simply cannot afford to live atm.

Dh took a loan out before Christmas despite me asking him not too (I knew he was going ahead though) and he was supposed to clear a few outstanding debts with it. It has come to light today after a few phone calls from the companies that he was supposed to be clearing debts from, that he didn't clear them at all. I have no idea what he has done with the money that he loaned. He has paid some debts off, but not what he told me he had.

He hugged me, looked me right in the eyes and promised me that the companies have made a mistake and that he has paid the money off. I opened a letter addressed to him today (I know, I know) as it was marked 'urgent' and was from one of the companies. He hasn't paid off the depts We now owe the loan money plus over £3k worth of debt that he had promised had been paid.

I feel so betrayed.

He held me in his arms and lied to me.

I'm so gutted. How can I believe anything that he says to me now.

I'm seriously considering asking him to leave. I can't see how I can live with someone who supposedly loves me and yet cannot be honest with me.

Gutted.

Wow. What a horrible situation. I can see why you're thinking of asking him to leave. This kind of situation is a nightmare scenario for me. I don;t think I'd be able to forgive my husband if he had done this.

The only possible explanation I can think of is that the debt was paid in between the letters being sent and arriving.
When does he say they were paid and can he provide evidence to support this?

I agree with NotPlaying.

Its a horrible situation to be in and I can understand why you're so upset/angry. However I would ask him for evidence and sit down with all the paperwork you can find and go through it all before making a judgement.

I hope there is more to it but I know that I could not forgive my dp if he had done this to me/us.

I suspect he may not have been honest with you initially about the amount of debt and has paid off something you didn't know about with the extra money.

I think you do need to sit him down and explain that a betrayal of trust is far worse than any level of debt and he needs to be completely honest with you. Then I think you need to get down to CAB or use one of the excellent debts forums to get some advice from knowledgeable people. (Or post on MN of course!)

Try Dealing With Debt at the Motley Fool or Debt Free Wannabe at Money Saving Expert

Give him the benefit of the doubt (no finger-pointing 'you lied to me' stuff ). Sit down together and work out exactly what you still owe and what needs to be paid first.

Being in debt can be very stressful to all concerned but especially to your DH if he feels that it is his fault. The 'in and out of work' thing may have affected him more than he is letting on. Remind him that it is a partnership and that you will work it out together.

Try this for some inspiration on how to get on top of things:

articles.moneycentral.msn.com/SavingandDebt/ManageDebt/HowToNotPayyourBills.aspx

Good luck!

couple of things.

to know where you stand you need an amnesty - where you are prepared to forgo fishwifey shoutey stuff and crying - and you have a basic conversation about whats what - laying it all out on the table.

at this point, when the truth is known. you need to go to CAB. its such a cliche pat answer to give you that its almost ignored - but they have a wealth of advice and a wealth of advice online too. and they won't judge you.

good luck

CAP can help you out as well, they are charity not a money making debt scheme thingy

www.capuk.org/help/needhelp.php

Custy is absolutely right- also you need to realise that getting out of this is doable: we are living proof of that, from scary amounts of debt and dh out of work 5 years ago (I'm taking over £50k on top of mortgage) to £245 now; redundancy beckons for dh but its far less scary from here.

Tell him you don't care what was paid (lie goddammit) but you need a list of whats still unpaid to take to the debt advisor at the CAB. Grit your teeth. You might find the trust issues insurmountable but heck that's something for the future not this minute (and i'd suggest that unfaithfulness adn lieing are a similar travesty in terms of the trust etc).
The minute is about keeping both heads above water.

Is there any chance, however remote that there's something else here- a gambling additcion, anything?

Sorry , it is rarely a sound idea to borrow to pay debts and there is too much temptation to be distracted from the real issue. Either he wasn't honest with you at the outset and/or misjudged the actual amount due (repayment charges,interest etc)or he has used the money elsewhere. I think you need to ask him to list out what he originally owed, how the loan went towards paying those off and what the situation is now.

He has once chance to be honest and then you together visit one of the agencies suggested (not a debt consolidation company though as they are not impartial). You also need to itemise your incomings and outgoings so that you can be helped to budget and come up with realistic figure to offer to pay the creditors. Look at ways to increase incomings and decrease outgoings long term ?

He may be embarrassed, angry and ashamed of the situation but if he cannot or will not do this then you have to look to prioritise you and your dc.

First you need to help get him get on top of the debts - whatever you decide to do next the debt is going to affect you, either by reducing family income if he stays or if you split by reducing maintenance etc.

If debts are consumer credit debts try these guys too here. They can help put in place a plan to freeze the debts and stop interest and fees accruign while debt is re-paid.

Next you need to work out if you are jointly liable for any of these debts - are any of the debts in joint names?

My mum had this with her dp (not my dad) - she had to take things over and sort out all the debt by working out what they could afford and giving him an allowance until things were sorted out. They got over it and are still together 10 years later.

Have spoken to dh this evening. There's no mistake

I did do the fishwifey shouting and I make no apologies for it. I'm livid, heartbroken and feel utterly betrayed

I have calmed down and we have talked things through. Not everything. Enough for now.

He honestly thought that he could clear it all up without me knowing. How, I've no idea.

We will be seeking advice from the CAB. We'll have to. There is no CAP near here.

We are jointly liable for at least one of the debts as it was a credit card taken out in both our names therefore I'm still named on it.

I do love him but I don't know where we can go from here.

Will see what tomorrow brings.

Thanks for replies

Sos orry it was as you feared

Wishing you strength for whatever comes next