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Relationships

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Original poster

DH's behaviour making me cringe in social situations.......

22 replies

Legacy · 09/04/2009 12:08

Often when we meet people for the first time DH seems to develop this weird '1950's couple' behaviour, and it REALLY annoys me (and I mean REALLY)...

So, for example, we've just had an architect around to discuss some work, and DH went into this mode of treating me like a 'little wife' - sort of patting me on the shoulder when I was making a comment

gently smacking my behind when I was standing in a doorway and he wanted to get through
saying 'let's have a cuppa - do you want to put the kettle on love'

I find it deeply offensive and cringeworthy. I think the guy noticed too, and also felt uncomfortable too.
When he left I confronted DH with it, and siad 'what's with this weird touchy behaviour'

He just told me not to be ridiculous and stormed off .

The thing is, I've seem him do something similar with other people too - sometimes my friends - and I've seem them have the same reaction as me. I think he needs to understand the effect it has...

Yuk - makes my skin creep just to think about it

Any ideas?

OP posts:

traceybath · 09/04/2009 12:09

Umm - hows your relationship generally? Perhaps he's just a bit nervous . . .

Original poster

Legacy · 09/04/2009 12:14

Maybe he is, but even so.....

Relationship has it's ups and downs I guess. (Suspect more downs than ups, actually )

OP posts:

traceybath · 09/04/2009 12:15

I just wondered as know in the past in relationships its been the little things that have ended up driving me insane in the end.

Perhaps an honest discussion about your relationship generally then?

Sparkletastic · 09/04/2009 12:15

I would hate to be treated like that - extremely patronising and a somewhat less than subtle attempt at gaining public control / power in your relationship. But then I'm stroppy and proud to call myself a feminist

I would bring it up when he is feeling calmer and make it clear that you will not tolerate it in future. If it happens again loudly but politely respond as befits the circumstances!

Original poster

Legacy · 09/04/2009 12:17

"If it happens again loudly but politely respond as befits the circumstances! "

Sparkle - what would you do then, how would you handle it?

OP posts:

jumpingbeans · 09/04/2009 12:17

Your not terry and June are you

MaryMotherOfCheeses · 09/04/2009 12:20

Only happens when he meets people for the first time? Sounds soemthing to do with shyness and trying to overcompensate tbh. Can you take the mick rather than get cross about it?

kidcreoleandthehotcrossbuns · 09/04/2009 12:22

He probably is nervous and maybe doesn't really realise he's doing it. My DP goes all strange when he's in social situations and nervous....he talks a lot and is quite childish..nothing like he is normally! I feel like saying..."He's not usually like this...honest!"

Original poster

Legacy · 09/04/2009 12:25

Yes - it is rather a bit like over-compensating I suppose. I've tried the jokey approach - we call it ' the hand problem' i.e. he tends to put an awkward hand on someone's shoulder and make unfunny jokes
but he really doesn't accept any comment/criticism, and says I'm being 'too sensitive'.

I want to help him because I can see and feel how others react to it....

OP posts:

Sparkletastic · 09/04/2009 12:26

Say the tea comment - 'Yes a cup of tea would be lovely thank you - I'll look through our plans with Mr Architect whilst you make it'.

brettgirl2 · 09/04/2009 12:27

I think that you need to reply in a lighthearted/non confrontational way:

'sort of patting me on the shoulder when I was making a comment'

Did I spill some flour on my top?

'let's have a cuppa - do you want to put the kettle on love'

Well not really, but I'd love one if you're making it.

'gently smacking my behind when I was standing in a doorway and he wanted to get through'

Just stay where you are and appear confused about what he wants you to do.

HuwEdwards · 09/04/2009 12:38

How strange. I think he must feel socially inferior to you, or else socially inferior in general to strangers, so 'controlling' behaviour over you demonstrates his masculinity.

Or maybe I'm talking shite .

If my DP did this I'd probably confront him immediately in front of the other people present, but I can see if it's behaviour he's always had, that it might not go down too well.

mrsmaidamess · 09/04/2009 12:43

My dh changes completely whenever we have any tradesman or 'artisan' in the house.

If its a plumber he goes all 'Gor blimey guvnor, apples and pears'.

If its someone like the guy in a suit who came to oversee our wills recently, he becomes a 1940's radio announcer.

Original poster

Legacy · 09/04/2009 14:05

MrsMaidamess - DH is absolutely the same

It's so embarrassing ! even my 6 year old spotted it.....

OP posts:

MaryMotherOfCheeses · 09/04/2009 14:09

Apparently it's a very good skill for influencing if you mirror their behaviour in that way. So long as they don't notice!

Have you tried copying him when he does it Legacy?

ItsMargotBeaurEGGarde · 09/04/2009 14:14

mrsmaidamess, that's so funny. little chameleons aren't they!

MorrisZapp · 09/04/2009 14:14

lol^, my DP is just like that too. Lovely, middle class graduate who speaks like Rab C Nebitt in the company of tradesmen

It makes me laff.

And calling taxi drivers 'mate' - aargh!!

I dunno OP, maybe I'm not understanding but your DP sounds alright. I think men just like to act how they think they're expected to iyswim, so he thinks that the architect expects you to be a traditional hubby/ wifey and plays up accordingly.

My DP says I act differently in front of strangers too, and I suppose I do to be honest.

What matters most is how he treats you in your day to day life.

Iklboo · 09/04/2009 14:19

My ex was like this. We went to a rugby match and he announced loudly 'we've only come here cos she likes X and he's not even playing' guffaw guffaw guffaw dontcha know

Smiled sweetly and said 'actually we're here because I want to see how Team A cope with the superior line-out strategy and pack weight of Team B given the blah blah blah. Oh and because Team A manager phoned me at home last night to invite me down and bring a friend' which totally blew his patronising little speech out of the water

ItsMargotBeaurEGGarde · 09/04/2009 14:19

remember wehn 'maj' from the apprentice made that comment in the back of the taxi though, about not needing to know how to clean because he had a wife, and the other two (even though both nobs) looked at him

MorrisZapp · 09/04/2009 14:21

Is that true? I felt sorry for Maj last night but he can fuck off if he said that. Tosser.

Original poster

Legacy · 09/04/2009 14:31

Mary - Yes, I know all about the 'mirroring' stuff, but the secret has to be that it isn't obvious. Besides the architect today wasn't at all patronising.

Funnily enough DH was going on about this window he wanted, which I had categorically said wouldn't work and would look out of place on our house, but he wouldn't listen... and DH asked the architect what he thought, and he said "Well, er, actually I think your wife is right...."

Maybe that's what really pissed him off!

Thing is, DH really hasn't got a good eye for shape, design, symmetry, colour etc, but he just won't accept this. I wish he would just leave me to it!!

OP posts:

fedupandlivid · 09/04/2009 22:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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