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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Passive aggressive comments in public - how should I deal with this?

5 replies

sickofthisrain · 08/04/2009 21:03

H has been developing some horrible tendencies towards EA recently - more on the EA thread but a particularly charming aspect is the passive aggressive comments he makes to me in front of other people. I'm working on sorting all of this, but in the short term we have people coming to stay (can't be put off) and I have to get through the next couple of weeks in the house with him and guests.

An example from the weekend when I had organised lunch for 8 of us, shopped for everything, set up the dining room, prepared everything apart from the meat (don't eat it, so am rubbish at cooking it), which was the only thing he had to do. He sat at the table and claimed (with much eye rolling) that as I'd messed up the timing on the veg and potatoes his fantastic dish was sadly ruined. Afterwards he carried some plates off to the kitchen and sneaked off upstairs for a 30 minute lie down (until I dragged him downstairs) while I entertained everyone, watched the dc's and finished clearing away. He knew I wouldn't cause a scene in front of people but it was so rude.

I hate that he gets away with it, but don't really want to make others feel uncomfortable by reacting. At the moment I've been trying to laugh it off and deal with it afterwards but I wondered if anyone had any better ideas/experience on how to react.

OP posts:
Janos · 08/04/2009 21:11

Hmmm

I think with PA people...they know they can get away with it precisely because they won't be called on it.

What about if you tackled it head on..not aggressively but assertively.

With the dinner situation, you could say, very nicely, something like 'What are you talking about? Dinner is fine!"

Then he looks petty and mean.

I appreciate it's much harder to think of these things in hindsight though!

sickofthisrain · 08/04/2009 21:16

Good idea Janos, it's thinking on the spot while dealing with the "how fecking dare you" aspect which throws me.

Thing is, I knew that the people around the table were all thinking he was a cock for having said it. I've always picked up on others PA comments towards their partners, and thought badly of the person saying it, never the recipient.

OP posts:
Janos · 08/04/2009 21:29

"I've always picked up on others PA comments towards their partners, and thought badly of the person saying it, never the recipient."

I think you are spot on sickofthisrain PA person thinks they are being oh so clever, making yoou look stupid while everyone else is thinking you nasty so-and-so.

And the on the spot thing throws me too! Thing is they want you react so well done for not reacting!

PA people - while frequently feared and pandered to are often not liked very much, I find. Not on any meaningful level anyway.

Wigglesworth · 08/04/2009 21:32

Your right sick, if I had been there I would have thought he was the arse not you. My ex boyfriends Mum used to do this all the time to everyone including her DH, me and her DC. It used to piss me off especially since I felt like I couldn't deal with it as she wasn't MY family IYSWIM. No-one called her on it and she got away with it. Thankfully she never became my MIL .

Katisha · 08/04/2009 21:34

Can you ask him "How exactly does it make you feel better to say these things about me in front of people?"

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