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Original poster

"Emo" son is driving me NUTS (long)

19 replies

EmosMum · 08/04/2009 20:44

My son is 10. He has never been very good at making friends, and has been the victim of bullying/isolation at school since he started basically at the age of 4. He has always been "different". Quiet, sensitive ...

Last year he decided he was "emo" and started going on about how he didn't "give a shit" about what people thought of him. He tried to dye his hair black with some home dye (made a mess basically) and even tried to apply eye-liner to himself for school.

Funnily enough, he new attitude did make him more popular and boys became more friendly towards him. He has been invited to numerous friends houses for tea and has had friends back here.

However he still insists that everyone hates him, everyone mistreats him, he's "the only emo in the school" etc etc.

During a class assembly where they were supposed to get up and read a poem, he got up and sang a heavy mental song, head banging and going nuts in front of the entire school. The other kids asked for an encore of his specifically, the teachers told him he would be famous one day ... he came home and said everyone hated him because they were jealous of him.

I have heard the way he speaks to people and it's horrible. He tells people "I'm so much cleverer than you", "I'm more mature than you", "Your work is just not as good as mine", "You hate me because you're jealous of me" etc etc...

He whinges EVERYTIME we go out anywhere and really spoils it. He then turns it back on us saying we all hate him and wished he no longer lived with us. He says to me "I bet you wish I were never born, it must be horrible having an emo for a son" etc.

He has just burst out crying in my bedroom. He told me "The kids at school say they'll play with me but when it comes to break time, they won't and I'm always left on my own".

The problem is he refuses to play football (which 90% of the boys play), he refuses to play bulldog as it's "rough and chavvy", he refuses to play "chase the girls" as its "stupid and immature" and then he wonders why the kids won't play with him!

DS2 also says he has heard DS1 calling the other kids "pathetic" in the playground. He stands looking at his reflection in the mirror, doing his hair and posing and then wonders why the other boys call him gay.

He's just ruined a really nice day out today because he wanted to leave early so whinged for hours and hours. Reason being that he wanted to get home and play on world of warcraft.

I do feel sympathy for him, I know what it's like to be different but he's really not helping himself by telling everyone how much better he is than them all the time. If I tell him this he screams "see, you hate me too!" and goes off crying.

His dad shrugs it off and says "he's so emo" but it's getting beyond a joke, I'm starting to lose sympathy for him and instead I'm just getting tired of him. Sometimes I wish I could leave him at home whilst we go out for the day so he can't spoil it by whinging and droning on and on about vampires and death etc etc. It's so tiring and frustrating.

I could understand if he was 14 and trying to freak me out but he's 10. He should be playing with his mates and climbing trees with his brother, not writing ffing poetry about being "alone and hated" whilst listening to Chemical Romance and Evanescence.

I'm starting to resent him and his attention seeking. I know I'm probably being harsh but I can see why the other kids avoid him

OP posts:

iMum · 08/04/2009 20:51

He sounds like me as a kid. I was a total misfit until I met my dh and now we are misfits together. Sounds like he is desperete to know where he fits in in the scheme of things.
If pos can you have some time with just him, dont know where you are in the UK but could you take him somewhere like camden market and go EMO shopping?

iMum · 08/04/2009 20:53

get him into the smiths or the sister of mercy?

what does he love doing? modeling, fashion, music, art? can you get him involved in some out of school activities with like minded kids?

Original poster

EmosMum · 08/04/2009 20:55

He loves drama (predictably) and music. He threw a strop last weekend because he saw a band advertising for a singer in the local music shop and was gutted that I wouldn't let him phone them! he just doesn't realise that he's far too young for all this.

OP posts:

EasterEggMayorNaze · 08/04/2009 20:55

have you spoke to his teachers? is he REALLY moaning or just doing it for attention do you think?

EasterEggMayorNaze · 08/04/2009 20:55

does he have siblings?

gardengrump · 08/04/2009 20:56

Poor little thing! Using his own words it seems he hates everyone because he is jealous. Maybe he knows he should be playing football/bulldog etc, but doesn't want to and can't deal with wondering why so blames it on everyone else.
Homophobic bullying is not allowed and needs to be reported. In the same way as you wouldn't point and laugh at someone for being black it is not acceptable to point and laugh at someone who is (or you think is) gay.
Do you praise his poetry? Better to be writing poetry than going around vandalising things or beating up other kids etc. Does he realise talking about vampires winds you up? It might be an idea to pretend you are getting interested in vampires etc too. Be careful about what he has access to - he is only 10, I'm hoping he's not watching/reading/listening to things that are clearly above his age limit.
Try not to let it get to you or it could become a battle that will be much worse as he gets older.

Original poster

EmosMum · 08/04/2009 20:57

I think he's doing it for attention tbh. I know he finds it hard to make friends but he doesn't help that by being so mean to people all the time.

He's just told me "You'd understand if you knew my pain" ffs.

He has a younger brother who is full of life and happiness. Which makes DS1 look even more miserable.

OP posts:

gardengrump · 08/04/2009 20:58

I'd have let him call the band, why not encourage his singing?

iMum · 08/04/2009 20:59

I know 10 is young, and it may all be an attention thing and a phase, but really at 13 I was clubbing at the local alt night (over 18s!) and had moved in with my soon to be dh of 10 years my senior by 16.
Look at it this way, if it is a phase by indulging him in it you are re assuring him that it doesnt matter how odd he is he still fits with you. and if it isnt a phase then by standing by him now you are giving him all the support he needs to feel free to explore who he is at his own pace and in his own style.

gardengrump · 08/04/2009 20:59

"Then tell me about your pain my love!"

gardengrump · 08/04/2009 21:00

I agree with IMum

Original poster

EmosMum · 08/04/2009 21:01

I do encourage his singing. I made a tape of him, helped him made a rock video he starred in. But I don't think allowing him to hang out with 16/17 year old fully fledged emos is going to help.

The vampre thing started after he read Twilight. He keeps telling everyone that he is a vampire, just that they'll never see it for themselves and then he wonders why his mates take the piss.

We were out for a meal earlier today and he declared that he was thirsty ... and needed to make himself bleed so he could drink his own blood. It's so OTT and he makes himself sound wierd as hell.

OP posts:

ChocolateEggMayorNaze · 08/04/2009 21:06

what do you say whne he says he is a vampire?

my ds is nearly 10 and if he said that i would tell him not to be so silly and then change the subject.

how long have you had "emo"boy?

Habbibu · 08/04/2009 21:07

I think you're going to need to find a way of accepting how he is, hard as it seems - you seem so angry and negative about him in your posts, and if this is coming across to hiom, he may be reacting to him.

OK, the vampire stuff a bit much, but it's ok to not like football or bulldog or kiss chase - I hated half the stuff girls did when I was his age. The rudeness sounds to me like looking to get a reaction - yes, daft and immature, but he's 10 - what better age to be daft and immature?

It must be hard but, as imum said, you need to find a way just to support him through this - try to relax about it, and give him less to kick against.

gardengrump · 08/04/2009 21:07

I love weird kids! I'd take him very seriously, but suggest ribena until he's over the age of 18 as I've heard the age you are when you first drink blood is the age you stay forever - or some other made up rubbish!
Maybe you need to beat him/play along with his own game and start reading up about vampires yourself.
I doubt 16/17 year olds would want a 10 year old singer who has to have his Mum chaperone him to an audition, but at least that'd be them saying this or letting him down rather than you.

iMum · 08/04/2009 21:09

well youve got some options then,

If you think there is seriously something wrong in his behaviour go to the docs and talk to them about it.

If you think it is an attention thing then go with it-buy him some special "blood" drink, play along in a kind of-not patronizing-but ah arent you sweet kind of way.

Go along with it factually, buy him books on vampires, bats and so on, take it seriously in front of him, let him see you treat his thoughts and feelings with some respect.

get naffed off and tell him to grow up, stop being weird etc.

At that age I honestly thought no one understood me, that I had the toughest time at scool etc and to some extent i did have a tough time, by my own hand because of the way i was (i was convinced i was a white witch for quite some time) but once I found where i fitted i was happy as larry.

singingmum · 08/04/2009 21:13

Have you ever asked him why? on any of the issues he says he has.So what if he doesn't like footie and if he's in to drama and poetry why not encourage him.You never know it may help to improve the situation.
As for the writing poetry thing my son who is now 14 writes songs that could be sung by bands like those you mention and has been able to write like this since young (although obv improved with time) and is a published poet it's not usually seen as gay these days to be into this stuff in fact seems the norm in a wide age range.
As for the pain comment could he have had something happen that has made him feel this way?It may be something that you wouldn't even think of normally as traumatic or upsetting but to him has proved quite horrid.
Spending time with him is def best thing you could do.

stainesmassif · 08/04/2009 21:17

Oh bless him, he does remind me of friends that I had in my teens. They turned out okay! Hopefully he is just very advanced and will be going round homebase with you in four years and helping you plan diy.

mrsboogie · 08/04/2009 21:17

all of this is his angst about not fitting in - not being one of the crowd and playing up to that emo part he has given himself instead. And to give him his due it seems to have worked to a fairly significant extent. Yes he is very young but what fourteen year olds were doing ten years ago ten year olds are doing now.

All you can do is let it all wash over you. The more attention he gets the more validation he feels acting like this - its self fulfilling. Ignore it - say yes dear when he comes out with vampire nonsense. Let him wear eyeliner - pass no heed to it. He will grow out of that and into some other fad when he gets bored of it or begins to suspect that he looks a bit silly.

Unless you have cause to think he is depressed of course??

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