I'm 37 and want to start TTC now, but OH doesn't feel ready - advice please?

[Geekylass]

Man, this is scary! First time posting a question and I feel all shaky...

Anyway, I had resigned myself to being childfree because I thought I was too old to have children, and was trying to look on the bright side about it. Yeah, I know, if I'd read Mumsnet first I'd have realised plenty of women have babies even later in life! It wasn't too bad, as we live in a lovely part of our city with plenty of things to do, and I am studying a subject that I love (and have been accepted to do a Master's degree now, so would be continuing with it if I didn't have this dilemma). Found out just over a year ago that I was pregnant, and decided to terminate the pregnancy because I was in the 3rd year of 4 of uni as a VERY mature student (please don't judge us, we were heartbroken and I don't think I'll ever get over it). Now I'm sitting finals in a few weeks - but all I can think about is trying to get pregnant again. It is not helping me to revise!

We had a brief conversation about it a few months ago, and found out OH doesn't feel ready, and in addition is terrified that he wouldn't be able to handle it all. I, however, know he can/will cope, and its only because he has had little exposure to children that makes him feel like this. I think he'd be a wonderful dad - he's patient and kind, he loves to be light-hearted and playful, he's steady and has great relationships with his family and friends (I know there's more to it than that, but you get the idea hopefully). He was wonderful when I had the termination, which was very painful and frightening for me - although he was obviously scared, he was strong and supportive and looked after me both physically and mentally.

So, patient readers, what should I do? Can I/should I talk him round? Resign myself again and get on with enjoying our lives without children? Wait and TTC in a few years, when it is going to be even more dangerous than it is now? Stick pins through the condoms (only joking!)?

Thank you in advance for any replies, if you have managed to struggle through this badly-writted question - I would really appreciate some sensible advice here.

Hello again everyone. I have an update for you!

When he came home from work last night, I told him I'd like to speak to him over the weekend for the last time about whether or not he wanted to have children. He looked at me, heaved a big sigh and said 'No, lets talk about it now'. Well, my heart sank, because of the sigh and because I wasn't really prepared (us geeks, we like to have all the facts straight first!). So we sat down and I basically quoted Yank (thank you Yank) about how it was a GOOD thing that he didn't feel ready because that meant he had really thought about it and wasn't taking it lightly, blah, blah, blah... and how wonderful he had been when I had the termination, how he really looked after me, and if it counted for anything that I thought he'd be a great dad, etc. Also that I was scared about it too, but I couldn't wait any longer.

Then we had a bit of back and forth about putting it off until after Masters (no way, that's another year and a half), would it matter if I was pregnant when I was doing the course (kinda difficult, considering my pregnancy brain last time), and then he put his foot down and said we couldn't start trying until we had found another place to live (fair enough). But that's a yes...kinda, right??

Anyway, he said he needed until the end of finals (5 weeks) to 'think about it' and 'get used to the idea', and that he was still terrified by the responsibility, but he could see my point and he does want to do it. So I THINK we could declare this a Mumsnet success! What do you say guys?

Oh, I did remember to say 'ovaries wait for no man' too! (thank you TPT) But he didn't really need the threat, he was already talking dates by then.

So, I know it could still end up taking years to conceive, never conceiving, pregnancy going horribly wrong, and all the other stuff, but I have a yes and that's all I care about at the moment.

Thank you thank you thank you to all who have helped (and you have helped enormously). I will post again - probably in a new thread, as this one will be long gone - if I have any other news. It's going to be at least another 3 months before anything happens I reckon, so I will try to concentrate on finals now - if I can keep off this site

GNM - totally forgot to ask him how many No doubt we'll be having further conversations, so will try to remember for next time. It is an important question. Also, brilliant point about how our lives will look in 10 years, thank you (made the tears well)

Morris - am heeding your advice and will be keeping away from screaming brats during the easter holidays! Hope everything goes well for you

Yank - I tried, but didn't have my notes in front of me! But I remembered what you said and managed to get that out - and it worked! You're a star And thanks for the explanation, makes sense.

Beanie - wish you all the best x

Acinonyx - 5%? I think you are Superwoman. We have a lecturer in our department with 2 young sons, who is never done complaining how hard it is in academia if you are a woman with a family. Its a sobering thought. I think IF I get pregnant before I'm due to start the course (I know its a big if) then I'll defer for a year, and then do it part-time over 2 years. If it happens later I'll start and drop out if I need to (losing money, but at least they'll have to let me back to finish!). It's a research degree, so I wont be attending too many classes, and can do most of the work in the library or at home. Thank you for sharing your story with me - you are an inspiration.

Peachy - another Superwoman! How the f* did you do it? I am sitting here with NO distractions (apart from the cat and the internet!) and can't be arsed picking up a book. Convinced I'm going to get a 3rd at the moment. And I had such high hopes four years ago...

Shylily (aww!) - duly noted! Will keep OH indoors as much as I can over the holiday weekend

Liskey - good luck. I hope you get all you wish for. Want to do a wee daft hug thing but understand it is frowned on, so will just offer my best wishes to you and your DH.

Thanks again folks. Now I'm off to read, take notes and possibly have a mild panic attack. If anything else comes up I know who to turn to now. Best wishes to you all x

Geekylass! That sounds really positive. Fingers crossed for you, I hope it all goes well xx

I think that sounds fantastically positive and the fact that you conceived a year ago hopefully means that everything is in working order and it shouldn't take too long next time (although I am aware it's not an exact science). So much for my prediction of lots of heart-searching over the next few months, you got it all sorted out in one evening.

Best of luck with your exams and any future pregnancy - here's to a mini-geek.

great news, and I wish you the best.

now could be a good time to learn about/start tracking your fertility signs.

Yay

It does sound positive, but I'd still be a bit concerned about the 'we must do X before we even start trying'. It can indicate real concerns, yes, but sometimes it's just a way of putting it off even further.

I'm not sure what type of property you live in, but try to remember babies don't take up a lot of room at first and they don't require as much stuff as places like Mothercare would have you believe. It seems odd for there to be a requirement to move before even starting to try! Frankly, I'd wait till you are actually pregnant or after baby is born. Can you imagine how heartbreaking it would be if you moved house for a theoretical baby that didn't happen? Esp as you seem to like the area you are in now!

Geeky thats great news - he sounds very much like my DH - terrified of the responsibility and of being a bad Dad (despite everyone thinking he's a natural with children).

Hope you can start trying soon.

That's great news. When I had dd I intermitted for one year then went part time so that the remaining year (which is never really one year and is often up to two anyway) took 2.5 years.

I agree it's not essential to move yet. Best of luck!

Thanks everyone, really appreciate your support, although I feel a bit stupid now for drawing it all out into a big drama when there was no need for drama at all!

If I could explain about our living situation - Yank, you're totally right to be concerned, especially since you don't know the background. We had actually been looking for a place last year. It was put off for a while because he received notification last November that his work were making people redundant. Anyway, we heard a couple of weeks ago that he was one of the few lucky people to be kept on and the hunt resumed. At the moment we're living in a tiny rented flat and going stir-crazy! So we're looking for a 2 bedroom place (and we can use it as a study if the baby plans fall through) within a 1 mile radius of where we are now. I DID point out to him that babies are only this long, but he said I was just trying to get out of the packing, moving and decorating! I am happy to agree to this compromise because he knows that if he went back on his word now I would make his life hell [looking for evil smiley] I don't think he's going to try to get out of it, he's usually pretty good like that.

LLLL - keep your fingers crossed for me that it's still all working! My OH is pretty confident that it will take me no time at all to get pregnant, since it was so easy when we were taking precautions, but I think you and I and all the other people on here know that's not always the case, unfortunately. And I think the heart-searching will go on - we love to overthink everything, so there'll be the 'what right have we to bring a child into this overpopulated and dying world' one, or the 'what if my baby is disabled' one, not forgetting the 'what if I go into labour and something goes really wrong and I DIEEEEE' one! Plenty of opportunities for heart-searching

GNM - thanks, and that's a good idea. Must do more lurking in the conception threads. It's all pretty confusing to me at the moment, must get up to speed after finals.

Liskey - I hope yours is as good as mine - if he is you're a lucky woman [sick bag smiley] [only joking]

Okay, must get back to work now, or else my exam papers will have 'I don't care, I'm going to have a babeeee' written all over them instead of coherent and well-reasoned arguments (ha). Thanks again and good luck to everyone x

Ah, fair enough if you were already looking to move! Hopefully it's more of a buyer's market now. Best of luck to you.

Thanks Yank, lets hope so!