how can i be in the wrong here (bit long sorry)

[outnumbered2to1]

since i am a single parent, my parents have helped me out with my boys. In fact when i went back to work when my DS1 was 8 months it was my parents who looked after him. When my DS2 was born he has really badly disclocated hips and was in a body brace then a pavlik harness so i gave up my job so that i could look aftre him and deal with the harness and weekly hospital visits etc. The up shot is that my mum openly criticises my discipline, feeding almost everything i do with my boys. to the point where this week i stood my ground and told her that even if she didn't approve of my parenting style she still needed to respect it and that overriding my authority wasn't helping. she went up like a two bob rocket and started shouting at me that i had no idea about parenting that i needed parenting classes and that she only intereferes because i'm doing it wrong. So i said that just because i didn't do things the way she did it didn't make my way wrong. Her response was basically there is nothing to discuss because i'm right and you are wrong and then she said i won't stand by and watch you mistreat those boys. Then when we were leaving she said just take them home and keep them there then she slammed the front door on me. I actually couldn't see to drive my car home with my boys in the back seat. And had to stop twice to control myself. i'm a 36 year old woman, not some stupid teenager. I know that i am doing my best for my boys and i certainly do not mistreat them in fact i can count on one hand the times i have smacked my 5 year old. So for the rest of the week we stayed away only dropping in for an hour on two occasions when we are normally there every day. Then i purposely stayed away all weekend. When we stopped in on monday (cos i knew other family members would be there) the first thing she said was Where we you all weekend? she's acting like it didn't happen but i don't think i can ever forgive her for that comment about mistreating my kids. Everyone says my boys are fantastic and a joy and a pleasure and i too think i've done an ok job with them so am i being extra senstive or not?

Wow, that's really hard to read as there are no paragraphs.

Your mum needs to learn boundaries, that if she is going to continually undermine you, then you are certainly not going to go to her house just to make it easier for her to do so. Tell her that at least in your own house, you don't constantly have someone picking you up on your parenting techniques.

She needs to take a step back to the grandparent role and not try to parent both you and your children.

Why are you still going there at all? tbh, I'd stay away until such time as a proper conversation was had and some ground rules established.

You need to give more specifics about what she thinks you are doing wrongly.

Maybe you are doing things badly and she just wants to protect her grandchildren.

Just because you are the mother, doesn't automatically make you a great parent and your ways of discipline correct.

What advice would you give to a grandparent who came on here and said she supports her daghter and grandchildren as much as possible, and sees them every day, but the daughter refuses to accept help so much that the children are suffering. I'm not saying yours are suffering, just seeing it from a different point of view.

We need more specifics.

How does she say you mistreat them?

Please use paragraphs, very hard to read your post.

Agree with other posters.

Just because you are the parent, you are not necessarily correct. She might have genuine concerns. The fact that you have smacked your 5 year old a few times might be concerning her.

what is your 'parenting style', and what are her problems with it?

And please use paragraphs, it was very hard to read that.

My mum is a bit like this, but not the same degree as yours.

I would ask her how it is that she THINKS you are mistreating your children and ask for specific examples.

Remind her that although you are grateful for her help while you were working, they are YOUR children and YOUR responsibility and you are in no way mistreating them.

TBH, I wouldn't be going back until she had apologised or I had it out with her, but I know sometimes its easier said than done.

I was with you until this:

"i certainly do not mistreat them in fact i can count on one hand the times i have smacked my 5 year old"

As you say that as if it's something to be proud of, your mum may be right to believe that you need to think twice about your attitude towards parenting.

I don't really understand your post. Why would your mum say you were 'mistreating' your children? What have you done that she has witnessed? Doesn't sound like a throwaway comment. Give us a bit more information, and we'll try to help.

FWIW - my dd also wore a Pavlik Harness for 3 months, and although it wasn't an easy experience, the harness isn't really a big deal. Hope your ds came through unscathed.

It sounds as though you need to work this through with you mum. She has been a source of support for you, but this doesn't give her the right to say those things to you, especially as they sound as though she said it in anger.

You should sit down, when you are both alone, and ask her calmly what she meant by 'I won't stand by and watch you mistreat those boys'.I understand that this will not be easy, but I think for the sake of your DC you need to work this through with her.

sorry i had written the original post when i was a bit upset.
The comment about mistreating the boys came as i took my DS1's arm to escort him out of the room to the naughty spot. She said i was being rough, i certainly wasn't.

NOT PLAYING ANYMORE - i am most certainly NOT proud of having smacked my 5 year old but was trying to explain that i don't use physical punishment on a regular basis (unlike my own childhood).

I'm not claiming to be an expert in child care or anything like that but i have 7 brothers and sisters who all have kids (including my twin brother) but i am the only one who according to my mother isn't doing it right.

The base line of her arguement was that it wasn't "her way" so it wasn't the right way and nothing i said made a difference.

I know this doesn't make much sense and I know that i owe both my parents an enormous debt of gratitude for everything they have done for me and my boys but this is getting to the stage where my DS1 is now attempting to play us off one another.

PINKIEJENNIE - DS2 got the all clear and final discharge from the hospital earlier this month.

Smacking is a contentious issue, and I personally don't think it makes you a bad parent.

I have a similar issue with my parents...they've done a lot for us over the years, and because of this I don't feel I can properly tell them to butt out of my life.

I agree with those who say you have to talk to her. Ask what exactly she thinks you are doing wrong. She genuinely might have some good advice...it's hard to know without knowing you.

I'm sure you're a great mum...you care enough to be asking on here, for a start!

thanks abbierhodes
my sisters reckon i should just ignore her because she is bonkers
she did offer me half a pizza last time i was there which is kinda her way of trying to smooth things over but we are definately spending less time there.
Unfortunately i have just been told i need surgery on my knee which will mean an overnight possibly two night stay in hospital.......

Yeah, my mom does things like that. She won't ever apologise or admit she's wrong but she'll do something to let you know she's finished falling out with you!
She's been a bit ratty for weeks...I'm not rue why...but my DH popped in their earlier and she sent him home with a swiss roll! Low and behold, she's back to being friendly on the phone tonight. (Turns out she's not speaking to my dad...she can't normally be bothered falling out with more than one person at once)

I think the trick is to try not to see it as personal...think of it as her problem, laugh to yourself about how odd she is.

If you're worried about your parenting, take a long hard look at your kids. Are they happy and healthy? Are they lacking in anything? Is their behaviour Ok(-ish) most of the time?

If you know in your heart that you're a good parent, don't let your mum undermine that.

the only thing lacking in my boys is the ability to be quiet!! even my DS2 who has a speech delay can make enough noise to wake the dead.
Honestly everyone who knows my boys sez they are fantastic. In fact my twin brothers PIL like to take my DS1 with them when they take my nephew out anywhere (there is only a four month age gap between them) because my nephew behaves better in my DS1's company.

My mum is kinda like yours - can only hold one grudge at a time - although she was quite rude again today which cut our visit down to a record 25 minutes.

How was she rude? 25 mins seems an OK visiting time, maybe you're just seeing too much of each other and getting on each others nerves? That happens with my mum.

an offhand comment about being graced with our presence followed by ten minutes of comment on what the boys were wearing including one about my DS2's t-shirt being at least six sizes too big (he's 2 and was wearing an age 2-3 shirt that was admittedly a bit baggy) and that it looked like it came out of the rag bag. and then the piss de resistance - the heavy sigh followed by oh i suppose you expect me to feed you!
Maybe i am a little oversensitive

Is she feeling taken for granted? The food comment would suggest so. You should go round when the kids are fully fed so you can say back "no thanks we've just eaten".

nah i reckon she is just realising that if we don't got to see her every day she will stuck with just my dad for company.....

outnumbered It's OK I agree with you, your mum sounds annoying. Those really are petty things to criticise about.

Some people are just critical of everyone. Is she like that with other people but for different reasons? Why not get a second view from others. You could ask your brothers and sisters who you get on well with if she criticises them for any reason? You might get a ridiculous list of "faults they have" too from them and realise it's her problem!

She could be one of those 'eternal victims' who feels that everyone takes advantage of them, even when it's imaginary. Then you could form an "Awful Mum support group". (My sister and I have one). We have regular humurous meetings about her latest UMAs (Unsolicited Mothers Advice), AMC (Awful Mother Criticisms) and PMM (Poor Me Moods)!

Or on the other hand, your brothers/sisters might say "she is just trying to help because she's worried about.." and then you might find out something that you weren't aware you were doing. PS. I dont think that's likely given what she has criticized you for being such innocuous things.

The only thing I did think was, do you think you were a bit rough on DS's arm when you put him on the naughty step that time? If there was a bit of truth/guilt in you about that and it might be worth acknowledging that with her, so she knows it's not what you usually do. It's OK to acknowledge that you know, it doesnt make you a bad parent. It's a very rare parent who is 100% saint and 0% human.

Reality - i think you might be right in that she had so much to do with my DS1 that she can't help herself with my DS2.

Whereismum - my eldest sister and i have regular discussions over my mum and her bonkers-ness (the best one was after she told me that if my DS2 was breast-feeding all night he must only have been getting air since my boobs won't have had milk in them all night)
it was just her comment about mistreating the boys that really got to me.
I can honestly say that i was not rough with him since i am very conscious of the fact that my own upbringing was heavily centered on physical punishment that i don't want my kids to feel that fear that i did as a kid.

sounds like she's just throwing her weight around and subconsciously trying to undermine you to assert herself as alpha female. My MIL will only comment positively on what my dc are wearing ie I love that dress on dd3 and if I comment negatively that dd2 looks like a scruff bag she may agree with a smile IYSWIM.

I am having similar issues with my mam just now and wondered if you reached a conclusion to this outnumbered? Not sure how to speed up the process?!

I am having similar issues with my mam just now and wondered if you reached a conclusion to this outnumbered? Not sure how to speed up the process?!