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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please read and advise, how should I deal with this

16 replies

Daisypops · 07/04/2009 23:36

I seperated from ex DP at the end of Feb after numerous problems.
I was really strong about it and ex DP was desperate for me back. I stayed strong and didnt take him back. I went on 2 dates with a new guy we ot on really well but he was too full on and was wanting things to happen really quick. I cooled it with him, he took the hump and no longer speaks to me. In the meantime ex DP came begging and pleading for me to have him back. I told him he would have to speak to my parents as they are important to me and totally opposed to me getting back with him.
He said he would. This was last sunday.

Last Thursday I told him I had been on a date with someone twice, we kissed but that was all, he asked where we'd met etc and that was that. Since then he has completely cooled off and is ignoring my phonecalls and messages.

He hasnt seen DD for over a week and its maddening me.
What would you do? Ive asked him why hes ignoring me but he hasnt replied.

He went out with another woman last sept when we seperated he only told me this this month so he lied to me about it for 6 months!
My head is telling me to forget him and move on but I am mad that he isnt wanting to see DD. He works shifts so its not easy to arrange set days for him to have access and he gets called in at the last minute.
TIA

OP posts:

mumonthenet · 08/04/2009 00:39

daisy, why did he have to speak to your parents? Isn't it between you and him?

(although if your parents are so against him perhaps they have good reason.)

Why did you tell him you had been dating and had only kissed? What was your point? Was it to make him suffer?

I suspect that the reason he's ignoring you is that he's trying to get your attention...and he's sure succeeding isn't he? But maybe you were doing the same by dating so quickly after breaking up.

You need to work out why you separated and what you both want from your relationship if you get back together.

How old are you both?

LadyOfScoffleTheEasterEggs · 08/04/2009 01:04

Is he really your dream guy? Someone you want to be with forever? Someone you see yourself growing old with...?

MeMySonAndI · 08/04/2009 01:10

But... do you still want him back?

If you do, try to talk to him about how you both can go about your dating (both yours and his), possibly Relate?

If you don't... give him some space to cool off and hopefully he will soon come back to his senses and continue seeing DD. It may be that he doesn't know yet how to deal with the information.

oliviasmama · 08/04/2009 06:52

I dont think you should be persuing him as you are - you seem to have had all the control in the beginning but now thats changing.

Things must have been pretty bad for you to have split in the first place, ask yourself is it the attention and chase that you want or is it the guy forever. It's our nature, when we think we're losing someone the chase begins but in all honesty do you really want what you seem to be chasing?

Original poster

Daisypops · 08/04/2009 08:34

I told him about the date because he always said I would never get anyone else and I wanted to prove a point I suppose.
Im 28 hes 34 this month.
To be honest maybe it is the 'chase'.

I'm just so mad that he hasnt seen DD for over a week and when he rings I will have to fit him in. It annoys me that when he chooses I have to drop everything for him.

OP posts:

MuffinBaker · 08/04/2009 08:44

because you have done it before..

Original poster

Daisypops · 08/04/2009 08:49

I have asked for his shift pattern for 6 months and not got it. He says we cant arrange set days because of his shifts. It annoys me. Surely they're are other men in his profession that see their kids on set days. I have to wait for a phonecall, he clicks his fingers sees her fr 3 hours at the most then thats it for a week.
I have allowed this to go on before because I was trying to be reasonable and understanding re his job but Im sick of been messed around by him now.

I would rather not have his meesily £100 a month and DD not see him, she doesnt know him anyway and never talks about him

OP posts:

InTheScrum · 08/04/2009 08:53

Then set a day, a time and stick to it. If he can't change his shift, tough.
He can't expect you to put your life on hold when he calls.

Original poster

Daisypops · 09/04/2009 16:55

I am furious. Got a text from Ex DP yesterday to say he wanted tp see DD today I text back and asked him to arrange times with my mum as she is there today and I am working. He didn't. So I rung him at about 9.30 last night he was in the pub and was very rude to me. I asked him to arrange a time. He still didn't. And today he hasn't turned up for DD , rung or text. I am livid. Absolutely fkkn livid. I am still at work trying to concentrate. DD is only 2, but this morning i did tell her she was going out with daddy today. My mum said she hasn't mentioned it but thats not the point.

How do I nip this in the bud. This cannot happen anymore. My mum reckons he met a woman and the pub and his 'with her' its repulses me that everything else comes before his DD.

Please help me stop this.

OP posts:

MeMySonAndI · 09/04/2009 17:40

First don't pay attention to your mother, she doesn't have a proof and telling you this she is not really helping.

How about setting 2 times a week for him to choose from? one in the afternoon, another one in the morning? If he can't make those time he can reorganise another one as long as it suits you.

Keep one thing in mind, the more accommodating you are the more likely he will be to keep changing the arrangements.
It is ok to be flexible, and actually desirable but not if this is causing more troubles than solving them.

CarGirl · 09/04/2009 17:43

go to mediation to arrange regular contact slots and then if he messes you around tell him to co to court to get contact.

naughtalessnickerless · 09/04/2009 21:24

I think you need to cool it with your ex, after all he is an ex for a reason.

Original poster

Daisypops · 10/04/2009 17:54

still not heard from ex and refuse to ring him.

i think my mum is right re the other woman, its the sort of thing he'd do. He is easily distracted and if something or someone else comes along unfortunately DD takes a back seat.

He wont have seen DD for 2 weeks on tues so am planning to go see a solicitor to send hima letter re structured contact.

OP posts:

howtotellmum · 10/04/2009 18:04

I can't think of any more subtle way to say this, but for someone of your age, you seem tobe taking a lot of "advice" from your parents etc. I think that by involving a 3rd party it makes things much harder.

I know that you feel setting up meetings with your DDs da is a hassle, but you have to consider her- she has a right to have a relationship with her father and he with her.

Why can't you agree times when he will see her , and if anything comes up which means he has to re-arrange, then he will contact you?

What he does in his own time is not your business any more- he can see who he likes and do what he likes. All that is important is that he doesn'tlet his daughter down. I would focus on that and keep your dating, and his dating, out of the situation.

Either you want him back, and he wants to be back with you- or you are both playing some silly power game with your innocent daughter stuck in the middle.

Is it the classic situation of you don't want him but you don't want anyone else to have him- and vice versa?

Looks to me as if you both need to have a calm, grown up conversation around your ex's contact with your child. and sort out your feelings for each other as a separate issue.

Original poster

Daisypops · 10/04/2009 19:02

how to tell mum- I am taking advise from my parent because I am at a loss as to what to do. I cant afford legal advice and I cant take anymore shit.

I have tried arranging contact and he doesnt stick to times. He lets DD down.

I do not want to stop him seeing her and I have been flexible in the past however i refuse to be messed about and I refuse to let him have DD waiting for him.

I have tried speaking to him and I get nothing but 'what do you want' and 'yeh whatever' This is a 34 year old man with a 'responsible' job.

OP posts:

howtotellmum · 10/04/2009 20:24

Maybe you need to back off then- you can't change him and if he is unreliable, then that is how it will have to be. You have to ask if the effort trying to get him to be more reliable is worth the hassle.

I think you are lumping together 2 different issues- your jealousy perhaps that he is seeing other women now he is your ex, and your feelings for him over that- and his role as your DDs father.

The whole thing is very emotional, isn't it? That is why I said it might be best if your mum wasn't so involved, as she is going to be on your side- and maybe unwittingly is stirring things up and making you more angry than you would be otherwise.
If you could deal with the 2 issues- whether you want him back- and his contact with your daughter, separately, then it might be easier.

I wouldn't flog a dead horse though- if he is so unreliable, then let it go.

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