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Relationships

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Original poster

Feeling so upset tonight

19 replies

ElleAMental · 07/04/2009 22:26

I'm a regular, but have name changed as DH knows my posting name.

DH and I have been happily married for 10 years and have two children - aged 5 and 1. I decided to take a break from a very successful career to bring up our first child. When I got pregnant with our second child, we decided I would stay at home for the first 2 years at least, possibly longer.

I have been happy at home, although at times frustrated and bored. On the whole, though, I am happier looking after my children than I would be working - for now.

I should also say that my DH is a very supportive, hands on dad and family man, despite working incredibly hard at a very demanding job. He doe his fair share of housework and childcare and will go out of his way to make sure I have a break, nights out etc. He is generally a lovely, kind and wholly supportive partner, which is why his attitude tonight really shocked me.

Tonight over dinner I mentioned the children's savings accounts and that I thought we should be paying more into them. I reminded him that I have been paying child benefit and tax credits into them every month, but that he has never made any other contribution to them - what I meant was, perhaps he could top them up a bit. I thought my tone of voice and the point I was making were reasonable. However, my DH snapped at me that he has been paying the mortgage, bills, 'everything' for the past 5 years, didn't I realise??? He said it in such a nasty, bitter way - I was stunned. I reminded him that I have saved us thousands in childcare costs by staying at home to bring up our small children myself. I also reminded him that if he had ever had an issue with me staying at home, he could have discussed it with me at any time and I would perhaps have gone back to work sooner. I also reminded him that I have a degree and had a successful fucking career until I had kids and don't have to stay at home looking after his kids if I don't bloody well want to. I don;t do it for the good of my health, after all.

I just feel so let down. Is this how he feels, underneath it all? That I am some kind of leech? That I should be 'grateful' for 'him' paying for our lives? . The situation only works if he is supportive of it. If he resents me not working, I would rather go back to work. I guess I just feel cheated that I have been sailing along in my little bubble world thinking we were happy, and all the time he has this attitude, deep down.

I feel like applying for a full time job first thing tomorrow and telling him to sort the bloody childcare.

Oh, I know it's silly. But I am fuming.

OP posts:

prettyfly1 · 07/04/2009 22:33

As the main breadwinner myself it is sometimes really really hard, even though logically you know the other person contributes in other ways when more money is asked for. It does sound like an overreaction but it sounds like the kind of over reaction tht I take when I am stressed about finances - is his job ok- has he reason to be worried about money at all.

prettyfly1 · 07/04/2009 22:35

and to be fair and please dont take this the wrong way, but maybe telling him that he should put more into the savings fund because he has never put anything into them, when you have already mentioned that he does help in the house, with childcare and pay all the bills was a bit unfair on your part. I am sure you didnt mean it meanly but it does kind of come across as critisim and I suspect he is wondering what he did wrong.

TheFallenMadonna · 07/04/2009 22:36

Do you have separate finances? When you said about him topping them up?

How is his work going? I've just gone back to work after 5 years off, and although DH was very supportive of that, he is definitely relieved that I'm back at work now that is job is looking rather less secure

If hes been fine about it up until now, is there something going on which is making him a bit wobbly about things?

tiredandgrumpy · 07/04/2009 22:42

dh says he doesn't feel like this, but the same sort of comments as your dh makes also creep out from time to time. For instance, he talks about his money paying for childcare (I work part-time by the way) and always calls it his money when it really all goes into the joint account. I don't earn nearly as much as him, but am in a job which I enjoy & which has potential to improve as I develop. Most importantly it fits around the children.

I think it really boils down to dh's upbringing (his mum worked full time, but as a teacher) and feelings of responsibility whenever he gets stressed.

Don't rush out straight into work because of this - it's like cutting your nose off to spite your face. I am very clear that since my dh works such long hours, I must put my career on a slower pace as it is critical to have one parent around for our dc when they are little. I couldn't live with myself if I was also out of the house all the time he is. (And this isn't a dig at full-time mums, it's just the way our family works. dh doesn't pull out the stops to be a full-time dad at weekends either).

TheFallenMadonna · 07/04/2009 22:43

"his mum worked full time, but as a teacher"

Oi!!! What's that supposed to mean?

mrsboogie · 07/04/2009 22:44

the way you describe it, it sounds a bit like you were being critical, even if expressed in the most reasonable tones, and suggesting that he has somehow fallen short in providing for them. The way you said that "he" should top them up. Should it not have been "we"? I can kind of see his point although not in the bitter way you say he expressed it. Perhaps he worried about something or perhaps he doesn't realise how much you do?

MegBusset · 07/04/2009 22:44

Why do you have separate finances when you are married with kids? It can easily lead to this kind of miscommunication or misunderstanding whereby there is his money and your money.

Surely it would be better for everything to go into one pot salary, tax credits, benefits then you decide between you a budget for all the bills, savings etc?

tiredandgrumpy · 07/04/2009 22:45

Oh sorry - just meant that the hours out of the house fitted round kids better than my office hours do. dh seems to struggle to see that if I were to work full time the kids would miss out - he reckons he didn't even though his mum was ft. Am I excused?

solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 07/04/2009 22:45

TFM: I would guess it's that teachers official working days are shorter and they are not at work during school holidays. And yes I know that they spend all their free time marking and doing paperwork...

SlartyBartFastlaidanegg · 07/04/2009 22:47

perhaps he is just feeling got at,,, since you were asking him to contribute.

TheFallenMadonna · 07/04/2009 22:48

Well, as it's the Easter holidays...

Yeah - I'll let you off

My working day is a nightmare though btw with respect to childcare. The holidays though make life much easier.

TheFallenMadonna · 07/04/2009 22:49

I did in my post though. I wasn't really miffed. More amused. And was rather wondering if you were my MIL...

SazzlesA · 07/04/2009 22:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

sayithowitis · 07/04/2009 23:02

The way you have said this, on here, gives the impression that you really resent the sacrifices you have made to bring up his children. From what you say he really does at least his fair share of stuff to help you, as well as working hard in a demanding job. Maybe asking him for more money put just too much pressure on him? I know when I was a SAHM, my DH felt incredibly pressured about making sure we were financially steady. Because he was responsible for everything. If we found ourselves short one month, we didn't have my salary to fall back on. Maybe your DH is feeling similar. It doesn't sound at all like he thinks you are some leech.

You may have saved thousands in childcare, but from the sound of it, you would have earned enough to pay for that and have some over, if that is the case then if you had been working, then financially you would still have been better off. (Not saying you should work, just making the point)

You mentioned a couple of times that you stay at home because you want to. Well, maybe he would have like to stay at home with them? Maybe you might have been the one snapping at him!

There is a regular poster who is really good at re-writing posts from the Oh point of view. I am not good at that, but strongly suggest you imagine what it is like for him, to have whatever pressures he has, and then ask how you would have felt if he had asked you for more money tonight.

In any case, when you do go back to work, surely there will be opportunitie to top up the accounts then?

kingprawntikka · 08/04/2009 08:11

I am a SAHM, and I view things like child benefit as family money, certainly not just my money. In fact we see all money as family money. I think my husband would be pretty irritated if I suggested he hadn't contributed to the childrens savings . Your husband is keeping a roof over their heads, food on the table, the heating on etc . All of which are just ( if not more) important than savings. You say you will be returning to work later, that will give you extra income you can use for savings then.

OrmIrian · 08/04/2009 08:16

I think you were a little unreasonable expecting him to pay more TBH. I think I might have snapped if I was him. It sounds to me as if he's worried about money atm? And I think your response was a little OTT as well.

Sorry.

Let it go. If you want to go back to work do so, but because you want to not to prove a point.

OrmIrian · 08/04/2009 08:16

Sorry.

Let it go. If you want to go back to work do so, but because you want to not to prove a point.

wannaBe · 08/04/2009 08:45

Why on earth are you putting the child benefit and ctc in their savings accounts? Sorry but I think you give them too much already, and there should be no need for dh to "top them up". Just how much would you be expecting him to put in?

have to be honest, I really don't understand this 'his money, my money' mentality that some couples have. Once you're married the money is joint, surely, and it shouldn't be down to one or other to pay for x or y.

But given you appear to have separate money let me put it into perspective:

Your dh earns money to pay for the mortgage, the food, the clothes the bills etc.

You earn the ctc and child benefit, and instead of putting it towards the household expenses, you put it in savings accounts for your children, thus leaving none of your money to put towards anything.

And then you tell your dh he's not contributing enough and that he should give money to the children also. Children who by my calculations are already being given upwards of £600 a year.

And what you said to him about having a degree and having had a career sounds as if you expect something for having given up your job to be with your children. You chose to give up your career, don't throw it in your dh' face because he's not giving your children as much money as you would like him too.

LaQuitar · 08/04/2009 15:29

Are you for real?

You told him that the child benefit and tax credits are yours (!!) and that he should contribute and then YOU got shocked by his response?

Did you think how he must felt when you said that? I wouldnt like it at all if my partner told me what you said to your DH. Sorry.

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