Decided to separate - what now?

[Jennifershesaid]

Hi All

I'm new to this - 1st time poster

I've just told my husband I don't want to live with him any more, been together a long time and have one child of 9

Won't go into specifics of why except that it has been in the air for a long time. I now need some advice on how to move to the next stage - does any organisation give advice on this? Counsellors will only help you talk things through, is that right? I don't know what to do first - tell friends and family (can anyone give me help with this?) or sort out practicalities like moving house...it is really hard

The easy option for me would be to tell my husband it's all a mistake, we'll kiss and make up and all will be fine til it all starts again - been through this before. Feel I need to strike while I feel this way.

Help

Someone useful who has been in your position will be along with helpful practical advice soon I am sure but just wanted to say you sound like you have been really brave.

A tough situation to be in hope you and your child get through the coming months as best as you can.

find a solicitor and suggest H does the same. you need to have the seperation formally recorded if you will need to claim any benefits, tax credits etc. and a good solicitor will advise you on all the next steps as well

work out with him if either of you will stay in the house - presumably in the current economic climate it may be necessary. Obviously it will be less upheavel for your DC if you stay in the family home with him?

see if you and H can come to a basic agreement on financial split and childcare because it will cost you much less than if you battle it out in court!

tell your DC's school in case he/she is upset at school - so they know what's going on. and tell your family and friends because you will need their support while times are tough. don't tell anyone if you actually plan to kiss and make up because they may well make your lives difficult if you have told them "I am leaving DH because..."!

maybe come to an agreement verbally with H that neither of you will slag off/blame the other even if you DO blame each other - DC doesn't need to know that!

keep your chin up

Thank you, Ewe - really nice to get my first reply. Don't feel brave at all.

Thanks fourkids. I think it will be amicable but DH doesn't want to be only a weekend dad. Can't even begin to think about how to tell DD altho she has heard us argue and ultmately I'm sure my unhappiness is affecting her. Not sure either of us could afford to stay in our house as altho our mortgage isn't huge its value has increaed substantialy since we bought it so one wouldhave to buy the other out

You can be 'separated' but still live in the same house, but there are some rules the courts have about considering yourself separated under those circumstances. If I remember right, you have to not prepare meals for each other, not do tasks like laundry for each other, and you have to occupy separate bedrooms.

I'm somewhat pessimistic about this option, having tried it. Something someone said to me when I was going through my divorce, 'everyone always thinks it will be amicable, and it never is'. I didn't believe them. Four months later and I'm being shoved out the front door with my wedding dress, kicking XH in the shin and shouting 'C*NT!!!' at the top of my lungs.

Money/property really makes a mess of things!

I suggest you read up a lot on the divorce process, all kinds of brochures and forms are available at www.hmcourts-service.gov.uk/. Educate yourself BEFORE you go to a solicitor, and remember the solicitor is NOT YOUR FRIEND. Ideally you want to spend as little time with them as possible, they are expensive and most of what they do you can do for yourself now (in terms of filling out forms, filing papers, etc). You can also get legal advice from CAB for free.

what YanknbeforetheCockcrows about solicitors is true, BUT most solicitors offer a free initial consultation. it is important to take them up on this offer for two reasons:

1. you need to be happy that you like and feel confident in them and their abiliites, and this is best judged face to face.
2. they will give you all the initial advice you require for free in that first meeting...point you in the right direction.

IME you also want to ensure you go to a firm where you actually get a lawyer, rather than (I think - forgive me if I'm besmurching anyone) a legal executive. I had to change law firms part way through proceedings, luckily fairly early on, because it quickly became clear that th person representing me wasn't heavyweight enough to successfully take on ExH's solicitor! And we were fairly amicable! But his kept advising him to go for this and that and mine just blanched in the face of one of the most respected divorce lawyers in the area! We both used our lawyers quite extensively, but on the whole we made the decisions - with legal advice which we took or declined as appropriate at the time - and told the solicitors what the decisions were, rather than them expensively arguing on our behalf! But on the odd occasion that things got sticky it was nice to have someone to hide behind and the bill was not huge and was worth it.

Talk to a solicitor (first 1/2 hour appointment is normally free) or to CAB about any concerns you have.

Consider using Relate, you may not want to continue trying but they can help you both to end it without much damage

I found a lot of wise advice and support from a charity that specialises in making life of separate families easier. They were great in helping me sort my thoughts in the early days: www.separatedfamilies.info/
There is a book published by them called "putting children first" that could be useful to read before you start discussions on how to arrange DS times and provides helpful advice on how to let him know.

Thanks all for the practical advice I've already looked up some of the links and it's helping me keep positive - if that's possible! Can anyone share their exp/offer advice on telling family/friends - some close frineds will have seen it coming and as we have few or no mutual fiends I am not worried about losing friends but think family could be upset or disappointed - have always kept our probs from them. Yet I feel once I've told people it will make it more real

i would say be prepared for some people - both friends and family - to take your DH's 'side.' if no-one does you'll just be relieved!

what i would say though is that you may find some people are disappointingly upset with you, possibly even quite hurtful, but given time they may well get over it and your friendships might recover.

i'd prob consider sitting down and explaining to DD together.

good luck

I think I phoned my parents to tell them in the U.S., but I honestly cannot remember what their reaction was. I'd told my mom some of our troubles and she wasn't long divorced herself so was sympathetic. Basically she thought I'd essentially married someone like my dad so she could understand my problems with my XH!

We called XH's parents together. They were quite shocked and kept asking if we were sure, and trying to figure out what the problem was. They said we'd always seemed so happy. We gave them a pretty edited version and put it down to XH not being ready for children while I was. Left out the part about our non-existent sex life, my affair, XH's retaliation with the prostitute and several other things parents just don't need to know. We did tell them about all our time spent in counseling (which they didn't know about), and that finally convinced them we hadn't decided this on the spur of the moment.

I would suggest not getting into the reasons with family when you tell them. Just say that you have given it a lot of time and thought and come to this very painful decision, and you would appreciate it if they could respect that and not force you to go over every little detail.

Family probably WILL be upset and disappointed, but they will get over it. You are upset and disappointed too, no one ever gets married imagining they'll be getting divorced. Say to them, 'I understand you are disappointed. So am I, and I am not taking this lightly. I hope you can understand that this is ultimately the best thing for me, him, and the children, even if it doesn't seem like it now.'

Thanks Yanky - all good advice ans things to think about (OMG your situation sounds a bit like mine!) - the inlaws are a worry - apparently they remarked recently what a good relationship we have (if only they knew!) -0 mind you wn't be in-laws much longer. More worried about my parents - know they'll be supportive though so it's just the initial broaching of the subject!

Jennifer - Just remember you will probably end up with some contact with the ex-in-laws due to the children. We didn't have kids, but my XMIL still calls me. She misses me and I miss her XH isn't too happy about it, but I think he's figured out his mum is stubborn and won't be told she can't talk to me!

I don't have any contact with my ex-in-laws. we didn't much like each other (under the surface only) and obviously are all happy that way! I have occasional contact (Christmas - to ask what DCs would like, mostly) with exBIL & exSIL, and send outgrown clothes/toys to them via ExH.
Beyond that, I dare say we'll have to meet again at weddings a couple of decades down the line!