Problems with DP's ex and access arrangements need some sensible advice. Got really long sorry

[IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern]

Wasn't really sure which topic to post this under.
I live with my dp and my 2 children. He has an 8 year old son from a previous relationship who we have here every evening (usually) Monday to Friday as is mum is at work. THis is all great all the kids get on well, I drive him home when his mum gets in.

The problem really is that on a few seperate occasions now she has changed these plans at the last minute. The first time it was a Tuesday and she said to DP I don't need you from Thursday until next Tuesday i'm away DS will be at grannys. Ok bit annoyed we do stry to plan things for these evenings for the children as this is the time he sees his dad so try not to be stuck in all the time. DP did say ok but a bit more notice in future would be helpful. The 2nd time was simila but it was a text on the Saturday don't need you Monday etc. Then on the Monday morning "oh actually do need you after all my plans have changed again.

There has been 1 other occurance along these lines the other was a sports event DP takes his DS to every year and she has now decided after the tickets have arrived (event in 10 days) that he will be going with a friends mother now not DP. DP upset about this but she is making out he is doing him a huge favour because he won't have to go to hte bother of picking him up taking him home etc. Which in a way is fair enough but she never told DP until he asked why he never had enough tickets.

This last time is about easter weekend. SHe told us yuesterday that DSS will be here only 3 days this week then not again until tuesday because she is going away going to granny's etc. Usually she has almost demanded that we arrange with her mother to collect dss and take him even when she is away but this time she is insisting no way on earth are we getting him even for a few hours.

She has said that she is extremely reasonable to allow DP to see his son every day as most fathers don't but I feel that it is only because it is convenient for her as she is at work and she is treating DP like her babysitter rather than her sons father.
We are at a complete stalemate she will not allow us anymore time with him JUST the hours that she is at work and if she is away then DP is TOLD that this is what is happening etc.

Please the collective wisdom of mumsnet how do we tackle this or are we totally in the wrong???

go to mediation or court to formalise contact?

I have said that if this keeps happening he will need to go for a formalised agreement but really that is a last resort there is NO WAY she would go to mediation she chooses herself which days she is even remotely civil on.

Does she feel that she is putting your DP out by asking him to have his ds every day and she thinks she is doing you a favour?

Has your DP explained that you would rather have ds than not?

Its reasonable for her to go away with her ds for a long weekend and its reasonable for you to take him for a long weekend also. Its also reasonable for him to spend time with his gran.

I think the problem is that your dp is not being consulted on any of the decisions and as you say is just being told what is happening.

If he has good communication with his ex, he should really have a talk with her about this (without it being an arguement).

Failing that, as hectate says family mediation or formalising arrangments.

How does DS feel about seeing his Dad? If he loves coming to you and is disappointed when Mum cancels it, then you could go from that angle to make her see sense.

No she doesn't feel it is putting him out at all. She is more than aware that he would like to see his DS and NOT just because she is at work etc.
It is resonable for her to go away nobody has an issue with that we have done it (rarely) in the past with asking if it is possible for him to go to his grans on a Friday.

He goes to his Grans every Saturday night and has done since very small. The thing is he could stay here any of these times she is away as well he has his own room in our house. Term time is a BIT harder as I cannot be at his school and DD's school at the same time in the morning but it is doable I can drive him to school it just means one or other playing in the playgroung for 10 minutes before school rather than going for bang on 9.

She DOESN'T take him away with her though so there is no reason he could not be here or his grans.

It is more as you say the being told. She is treating DP like a babysitter, "don't need you these days ...oh but do need you these ones"

As I said communication is only good if she LETS it be sometimes she is easy to talk to others she opens the door lets DSS out and then shuts it without ever having seen her.

Minxie they are SO SO close. He loves spending time with his dad and enjoys coming to our house he has his own room and space and as an only child has loved having my DC's about.

Something along the oh but DS is disappointed route ended up with her saying "don't you dare say i'm a bad mother etc"

That seems very unreasonable - can she be reasoned with at all?

Would there be any route for explaining again how inconvenient it is cancelling at the last minute and asking for a more solid arragement?

If not, on either score, perhaps the only route is formalising things.

DP has tried to broach it with her again and for some reason she is just not budging on this one.
Have said to him that he tells her that ok she is not going to back down over seeing him at any point after his usual time here this evening until next Tuesday night but that this is not the end of discussion.

Have suggested that he goes up there early one evening when he picks up and tries to talk to her again or even email her os something to say what he wants to say.

This is just so frustrating though because next week she might be nice as pie and bending over backwards to be nice etc. She is making out she is doing him a huge favour by him seeing every day but really that only happens because she is at work and it is convenient for her as although her mother helps out would not be keen to do the bus journeys (2 buses)back and forth 5 nights a week.

I think formalising it or at least telling her that is the next step is going to be the only option we have. Me and My ex although there has been HEAPS of animosity at times between us have always tried to be as flexible and accomodating to each other as we possibly can be when it comes to the children, I always thought he would be the one to cause problems not her.