Arrogant father - what to do?

[KayHarker]

Right, small bit of background - my SN brother is in a secure unit for reasons which I won't go into. This week, he ran away, but came back after a few hours.

Knowing him, as I do, I know this is his grief response because of the time of year - it's the time our mother died. I've tried to explain this to the carers involved, as I think it's relevant.

My father (who wasn't married to my mum when she died, and is a total cock) is insisting that my mum died in October, and keeps telling the carers that, to the point they don't know who is telling the truth.

Now trust me, I know when my mother died, I was in the same feckin' room. There's nothing wrong with my dad mentally, except he's the only significant person in his life, therefore he is always right.

Would it be wrong to lock him in a trunk?

Ok, yes, I know it would. How the hell do I get through to him so his arrogance doesn't make life even more difficult for all his kids? Or is that just a lost cause, which I suspect.

Get a copy of her death certificate. that way, they'd know who is the most reliable in future?

Yes, that seems like an easy answer. Ffs, I so don't need this right now.

cheers

why would he lie about it?

Kay that sounds shite. Hope you are holding up ok

sorry, that sounds like I believe him and not you [blush}

I mean why the fuck would he lie about it? Does he like to wind you up?

Like the death certificate idea. It may make you look a little intense, though?

If your father is anything like certain narcissistic family members of mine, you will never get through to him. All you can do is set boundaries about the most unacceptable forms of behaviour and try to let the rest wash over you.

Or try the trunk.

Anyfucker, I don't think he's lying - I think he really believes that because he's convinced it was October, then it must be right.

He likes me at his beck and call, so I doubt he's deliberately trying to rile me. I rather doubt he actually thinks about me enough to want to wind me up.

jeminthecity, I'm alright, just a bit fragile this time of year myself. It would be really, really nice to have a parent around to lean on, but dad isn't capable of that.

In fact, now I've written it out, I'm wondering if this is his way of saying 'Look at me, look at me!' because he knows his kids are needing support.

pp,

my boundaries have to be 'I'm not answering the phone today', nothing else works.

I want my mum

kay. It sounds tough. Best wishes to your brother and you.

(My dad is like that. Genuinely blind to the possibility of other people being right when they disagree with him. Really. Your lock-in-trunk suggestionis spot on.)

Really sad for you. Bad enough having lost your mum without having such a wanker for a father.

I have a father like that although his twattery doesn't have the serious implications your father's does.

I agree there is no point trying to point out his wrongs - he will never accept them. I would try and have a conversation with your brother's carers and make sure that they know your father is a problem. I think the death certificate is a good idea and that they will understand why you need to do this.

I think you might be right about him wanting the attention on him rather than you and your brother. If he is a narcissist he needs the attention on him and cannot imagine that anybody else has needs.

However, analysing him doesn't make any difference does it, so I think you are entirely justified in locking him in a trunk.