What to do when xp will not take any responsibility?

[frustratedwimp]

Have namechanged, sorry.
I was with my xp for 4 years prior to getting pregnant. It was unplanned and he was not keen to go ahead and we broke up when I was pg. I gave birth last summer and he was there for the birth. Since then he has shown no interest in his son. It has been hard but I think I am ok with it. My problem now comes in the shape of his family. I have been asked by his mum to come to a big family Easter dinner tomorrow so thyey can all meet ds. He is 9 months and haven't met him yet, which to me says they are not that bothered. Xp's mum is the only one who has made an effort she lives about an hour away and comes to see us every few weeks. She told me yesterday that xp will not be coming to the dinner, and I know it's because I will be there, as I know from a mutual friend that he is not working tomorrow. I rang her to make sure I was really welcome and she said of course, not to worry about xp as 'he can be funny, but he always has been'. I just feel they are making light of his frankly twattish behaviour, and letting him get away with it. I know he is a grown man and its not up to his family to tell him off but honestly now I know his family are brushing it off it makes me so frustrated. I don't know what I expect them to do. So, in my situation would you go to the dinner anyway? I will only know his mum there and there will be a lot of his family there, including his brothers, who I have met before, but I am unsure what he would have told them iyswim. I don't want to burn bridges I suppose, because they are ds's family. But at what point is no interest better than too little interest? 9 months is an awfully long time to not see a new baby, especially as the rest of his family only live 20 minutes away. And if asked, how truthful should I be about the situation? I get the impression that they think he sees ds regularly

regardless of his behaviour, his mum is clearly making an effort to maintain contact with your son. I would go along with that, for his sake, as one day he will want to know abot his family on his dad's side. To keep the line of communication open at this stage can only make it easier in the future.

At the dinner, just be polite and friendly to everyone. Don't get drawn into any discussion about your ex. Let them draw their own conclusions - they may already know that he is twattish. His mum has acknowledged it and they've all known him a lot longer than you, after all.

Thanks clam. I know you're right and I'm glad that his mum is trying. I guess I'm just nervous to be around so many people I don't know when I don't know what they think of me iyswim.

Well, view it as an opportunity to prove them wrong! If you're pleasant and friendly, then they can only wonder whether your ex has been slagging you off unnecessarily. If anyone asks about ex's relationship with DS, just quietly point out that he doesn't see him these days, unfortunately. Then change the subject. Less is more. You won't be doing yourself any favours to complain about him to his family - specially not at such a gathering. Would be rude to his mum for a start, to spoil an occasion she's worked hard to set up.

Clam is spot on. You couldn't get better advice. You don't really know that his family is making light of the situation - they may have been nagging and arguing with him for the past year! Most families would in that situation. Telling you about any arguments would serve no purpose would it? But the fact that she has chosen you and your boy over him for this Easter meal speaks volumes doesn't it?

I don't blame you for being nervous of the situation - I would be in your shoes. But you should repay the effort his mum is making. She is doing the right thing and your little boy deserves to know his family. Who knows, it may even have a knock-on effect on your XP and make him see what he should be doing. Don't worry what they think about you - you haven't done anything to make them think badly of you - just remember that you are the mother of a precious boy who is part of their family - so they'd better be nice to you!.

Maybe you should mention on the phone to his mum that you are feeling nervous and she can warn them to be nice to you! She probably knows anyway.

On a purely practical note by the way - as a single mum you now you need all the help you can get - you never know what support you may need or get from this family in future...

I know clam. I won't cause a scene and I do feel that she has been lovely to invite us. Hopefully the fact that we are there and he is not will say enough about the situation to stop any awkward questions. I guess it's just because it's his family that I feel a bit strange. I just have to convince myself that just because they're his family it's not their fault that he is hte way he is, and they don't necessarily agree with his behaiour. That will be my mantra for today

Good luck and enjoy it!