I am trying to get some perspective, please help.

[ByThePowerOfGreyskull]

So DB & SiL have no children.
When they come here they have fun with the boys but sometimes the whole 2 noisey boys thing gets too much (understandably).

Then SiL becomes an Aunty (her sister has a baby) She has fallen in love with the baby and has really bonded- in a way that she hasn;t bonded with our boys. I don't mind that at all - in fact I understand it totally.

However sometimes it can get a bit much hearing all the fabulous things that this little one does and then for her to be irritated by my boys. (she puts her fingers in her ears at the dinner table if they are a bit too noisey)
So I made a comment about 4 months ago about it.

I don't have a close relationship with my DB we love each other but are only in contact 3-4 times a year. So I hadn't noticed that we hadn't been in touch.

Last night DB called wanting to get this problem sorted. I have upset SiL and as far as they are concerned the not speaking for the last 4 months has been due to my comment.

So Guidance please. I don't think it is up to me to guide her about being tactful - I also think that it is now to late to over analyse a comment that was made 4 months ago.

What should I do? Do I leave it that she needs to get over it?

How was your comment to SIL worded?

She was very rude to sit at the table with her fingers in her ears and show obvious irritation at your children, btw.

She sounds touchy and silly. I would leave it. She was rude about your kids, you made a comment about it. All done and dusted. I can't stand family nonsense like this.

Why did he leave it 4mths to get it sorted?
Did you explain why you'd made the comment and how hurt you were by her actions?
Yes, what was the comment?

Maybe you could apologise for upsetting her/hurting her and set the ball rolling that way.
Say that you were hurt by her obvious irritation with your children and obviously reacted in a way that upset her too and that you are very sorry for upsetting her.
Hopefully then she will also apologise for her part and perhaps be more tactful in future.

I said it was funny how she waxed lyrical about her nephews bodily functions but one sneeze from my boys and she is horrified.

Absolutely NOTHING wrong with that imho. She was rude towards your dc.

Is she normally rather touchy?

Oh fgs - It was hardly a hurtful comment!

She sounds a bit precious tbh.

Not that bad, tbh.
I think you need to clear the air, did you explain to your DB why you'd said that?
Did he understand?
That comment was really not enough to get in a tizz over for 4 months tbh!

so have written this in an email (with some other opening waffle)

"I have no concerns that SiL has fallen in love with Nephew - I think it is a wonderful natural thing. She has fallen for him the way we have fallen for our boys.
It shouldn't ever be something she is bashful about.
Life is about tact, and there is a balance to be struck between sharing your joy and the fabulousness of a baby whilst on the other hand being a bit sniffy
about the children who are also supposed to be part of your family - albeit your husbands blood relatives.

I don't want to discuss this further, it is not for me to guide you as to how to balance that all encompassing love with tact."

what do you think?

I would say you felt hurt by her comments about her nephew, whilst seemingly annoyed by your DC. I would also say that you would like to get over it and you said it draw her attention to how she was being around your Dc (which is completely unacceptable imo) and then I would leave it at that and see if she apologises. She sounds like a complete pita.

Actually, thats what I think you should do, I, however, would end up apologising against my better judgement and wimp out, but thats a different story

Hmm, I am not sure that that will appease things tbh.
Would you speak with her instead? An email seems a bit impersonal and she could take umbrage with that email.

Exactly what MIA said.

I wouldn't apologise though, no way, she sounds like a total doughnut.

Hmm so I shouldn't press send then?

Oooo....that's a pretty cold email!

Why not get on the phone, apologise, say you have missed her, don't bring up the 'other' nephew at all, and say you're sorry she was upset?

An email like that will stir the pot, and unless that's what you want, it will just look like point scoring.

OK - so no email.

can't phone and say I have missed her as it isn't true - we don't speak often enough for that.

I will think some more.

I bloody would send it. I wouldn't feel much like appeasing.

Sometimes people need TELLING that they are out of order.

I recently told my parents they were being shit grandparents and exactly why in great detail.

It needed saying. They had 2 choices at that point.

They chose to start making an effort and things have been great since.

But right then, I was so angry, that either choice would have been fine with me.

you see what I'm saying? If it's unacceptable to you and it hurts you, say it and stand your ground and put the ball in their court. don't go down the "I'm sorry for saying anything, please let's brush it under the carpet and I'll be good and quiet from now on and pretend you're not hurting me" road, cos that helps no-one.

send her a box of chocolates. with a personal letter which reads

"I am sorry if i have hurt your feelings, it was a knee jerk reaction to your comment about my boys which hurt my feelings too.

I hope you accept these choccies with love. Lets not let such a small thing spoil the lovely relationship we have"

I like custardo's advice - yes, your SIL made hurtful comments but she didn't thump your kids or call you a shit mother, sometimes it's worth letting the little things go rather than escalating a trivial remark into a lifelong feud.

I disagree with pandering to the unreasonable behaviour of others. But I do thinks sending a cold email will only make things worse.

Send an email along the lines of

" Dear SIL

I don't understand how this has gone so far. I was hurt by your behaviour towards my children and made a comment which was not intended to hurt you, but to possibly bring you up on your behaviour.

I'm sorry things have got strained between us. Will you give me a call so we can sort things out"

That way the ball is in her court.

I thought Custardo's suggestion was great.

In fact I now want to say something bad about Custardo's children, get a sharp rebuke, and then feel hurt. Just so I can get her lovely response and make friends again (and to get the choccies!)

OK so it was a bit rude her putting her fingers in her ears when your kids were noisy.

However, I think you are being unreasonable to expect her to bond with your boys in the same way as her sister's baby. Not only is the baby her sister's but she sees him/her a lot more often than four times a year. Don't you need more contact than that to really bond?

I think anniemacs email suggestion is a better one as it does most tactfully put it all in her court.
Hope you can stop this from dragging on. Sometimes things do need to be said though and she needs to get over it.

Thanks all for your comments,
Brettgirl - I haven't at anytime suggested that she should bond with my children the way she has bonded with her nephew, I just think she should be more tactful.

I haven't festered about this at all, infact until last night I didn't know there was a problem.

I have made my point to DB in an email, we are here as normal, the comment was made out of frustration and not meant to hurt. If they want to see us that would be lovely there are No hard feelings at this end.

I am going to leave it at that and see what happens.