alcoholic mother - have run out of ways to cope - what do I do (long)

[vonsudenfed]

She phoned up last week, drunk again, because her heating had broken down and it was either a broken hose or it was a new boiler and three thousand pounds.

There's no point talking to her when she's drunk; she just repeats herself and then doesn't remember the conversation anyway. So I told her that I wasn't going to talk to her, and she could ring back when she was sober.

She's not phoned back, I haven't phoned her, because I've run out of ways to deal with her. She lives in a house which is a complete health hazard, and will probably fall apart or catch fire in the next ten years because she isn't maintaining it at all. I haven't been there for three years ago (won't let dd go as she smokes 40 a day) and she probably wouldn't let me in.

I've tried everything to help her - found her counselling, tried to sort out her house (it just makes her feel worse, less competent). Told her how crap it makes me feel. But nothing changes.

And it's an entirely one way relationship. She didn't look after me at all. I was in the care of my father ever since they divorced when I was 7, and she probably didn't look after me that much as a baby (PND, very dysfunctional childhood herself) - I'm only starting to realise this since having dd - she has no connection with her at all. She wasn't abusive, just rubbish.

I also (thanks to some very complicated reasons that there's no point explaining) support her financially as well - a few thousand pounds a year.

And yet I still feel guilty when we have a phone call like this. I know she's an adult, I know I can't fix her. But what do I do now - where do I go from here? Leave her to moulder in her own home- or what? I have no idea.

oh von I'm sorry

I think you have to just leave her. I know it sounds awful but there is nothing more you can do. Everything you do doesn't work and just ends up making you feel a lot worse.

You're not her keeper. You've done a bloody good job so far but it will end up taking over your life if you have to keep on supporting her like this.

Oh
She will drag you down with her, if you let her... Please come back to the STately HOmes thread to vent if you can...She is going down anyway, one way or another and if you don't start putting all this energy into your own life (especially the financial help- sorry, but I'm sure you need the money yourself) you may find her grinding you down even further...Your own family need you more than her.

I have a friend who is an alcoholic, I am very fond of him but he has been slowly drinking himself to death for years. His health is now so bad I don't think he will ever get better and I have resigned myself to the fact that he will die. I too have tried giving help but now realise that there is no help I can give as he needs to help himself and he won't - a cliche but very true.

It is probably easier for me to come to that conclusion as it is a friend not a parent. But for your own sake you may need to find a way of distancing yourself - I kept saying 'there is nothing I can do' which strangely helped.

The sad thing about alcoholics is that their main relationship is with booze and finally everything else falls away. I am the only person who now bothers with my friend and that is sporadic - mainly just a phone call now and again to check he is still alive, at a time of day when he may not be quite so drunk.

Have you tried Al-Anon? It might give you support in finding a way through it all.

Hi there - I'd recommend Al-Anon too, just to get some support for yourself and help you deal with it. My Mum's an alcoholic too and I can relate to everything you say. She's had a problem all of my life, went into rehab when I was 17, stayed sober for 13 years, had a relapse and has been getting steadily worse for the last 4 years or so.

It's an old cliche but true non the less that you cannot help an alcoholic, they have to want to help themselves. I finally made it to Al-Anon (desparate and completely at the end of my tether with it all) about 2 years ago and although it's not a quick fix it does help you get some perspective on it all. As has been said it's so hard in a different way to if it was your partner/friend when the addict is your parent/child.

Al-Anon gives you the tools to handle it in a realistic way - not the "just let them get on with it" type of advice. Hope you find some support soon. Unless you're in it noone can appreciate quite what a destructive disease this is to all involved. Big hug.

Thanks for all the advice -it's really good to hear this from other people, because if I think 'there's nothing I can do' on my own, I just feel selfish, mean and un-daughterly.

I do understand what you mean about their main relationship being with the drink, but in my mother's case, I think there is more to it than just the alcohol. She had a pretty vile upbringing, and I think the drink is a way of dealing with the depression and misery. She tried counselling, but basically decided that she was too old to deal with the worst of her past and stopped. But that's just another thing I can't solve.

Are there any books anyone could recommend? I'd love to go to Al-Anon, but the nearest one is miles away, and it's hard enough finding any time for anything with a job and a toddler.

I cut myself off from my mother, she had no intention of stopping drinking despite several stays in hospital and private (paid for by me) rehab units.

Her house was rat infested and what furniture was left was sodden with uring and faeces.

I was fed up of being called out of meetings (or in later years having to dump #DD with a neighbour) to go and sort out the latest crisis.

She died 8 yrs ago of cirrohsis (sp?) and alcoholic poisoning, she lay for at least 24 hours before she was found - by the 'home help' that I had organised to go in every day (they had missed one day due to staff issues).

I did not feel guilty or particularly grief stricken, my 'mother' had been gone a long time iyswim.

I was neglected and emotionally abused, I now make it her legacy to be a better parent than ever she was.

You are not to blame, you need to let her live her life by her rules, she is an adult a sentinent being who is able to make choices no matter how tough her childhood was.

I'd recommend My Mamas Waltz - it's American but is all about daughters of alcoholic mothers. I read it and felt like someone had crept into my brain and written it on my behalf!

Most treatment centres run family programmes too for relatives (and your mum wouldn't have had to be treated at it). I made the gut wrenching decision to go on one when my DD was 8.5 months old for 3 days. It was horrible being away from her but I thought would do us all more good in the long run. Just a thought if Al-Anon's not an option.

Having had an alcoholic mother, who died 4 yrs ago last friday, I can totally relate to your issue.
I never knew my mum as a sober person and have no real memories of her that didn't include a gallon of cider...
Alcoholism is a selfish condition and one that is not easily dealt with. I too found my mum all the help she needed, a flat away from the wasters she became friends with and still she chose to go back to that way of life.
I moved away 6 mths before she died, not to get away from her may I add, it was for other reasons.
The feelings of guilt have still not subsided but when I think long and hard, she would still have died if I still lived near by. It's a shitty situation...you have to do whateverfeels best for you. But just remember, you can't fix her. She has to do that herself.

I have an alcoholic father and my parents are still married and live together. he is a manipulative man and has caused a lot of pain and upset although he is still my dad and I love him very much. I needed him really badly about 4 years ago when I hit rock bottom and he just got drunk and played his games so I decided not to see him any more at that point because I did not want my children to become involved in his games. It sounds really hard and I feel very guilty but to shut myself off is the only way I can cope. He is an adult, he is my father and he has made his choices. He has had some of the best rehab choices but nothing has worked.

You might decide that you need to make a similar choice with your mother - it has not been easy at all but at least my children and I are not being hurt. As everyone else has said you can't help her all she will be doing is looking for the next drink and tying you up with guilt and making pathetic excuses.

You have a right to be happy don't let a destructive relationship ruin your life. Don't be hard on yourself either good luck xx

Your dc is your family now. Its sad, and maybe a bit of counselling/therapy might help you deal with it, but you can't change her, and you need to get on with your own life. Concentrate on parenting your child, not your parent.

x

Thank you everyone, it's such a relief not to be the only person in the world struggling with it.

In a way, my problem is that she doesn't play games or spoil things or even really hurt me as some of your parents have, so it seems impossible to cut her off forever. I just have to accept that I can't change her, and keep the relationship on my terms.

And MarmadukeScarlet, whenever I feel particularly hard done by, I'm going to remember what you said, that her legacy is that I will be a better parent than she ever was. That's brilliantly true, and a reason for hope rather than despair, thankyou.

You are welcome x

vonsudenfred just to add my voice as a fellow child of an alcoholic mother
she steadily declined over 25 yrs until a crisis forced some medical treatment~short lived of course.She developed toxic brain damage and korsakoffs syndrome[memory loss] and would ring us,neighbours,999,20 times a day,would be taken to a and e then go back home again.She gave money away,wouldn't let anyone in[including social worker]let strangers into the house,the list is endless.
And everyone seemed to be powerless to do anything about it!Like you,i got in touch with local alcohol support[she didn't go],had lengthy calls with social workers[she didn't answer the door],tried to get her gp to call and do something[didn't answer]...meanwhile every day i had up to 20 messages on my answer machine from her and neighbours etc etc

Long long story but in the end a different social worker arrived and they got in and she was put under mental health section~she wasn't mentally ill,it couldn't be done on the basis of alcoholism it was done on cognitive impairment.It had taken a year before the section was done during which time she was completely vulnerable~i found the whole thing quite shocking.

What i am remembering is how responsible i felt becos she was at risk~and no one seemed to be able to help.All I can advise is as others have said,you cannot fix it, you can try to make her safe but its difficult,the main thing is try not to let it make you a nervous wreck or take over your life but try to be assertive and access any necessary help should you feel its needed[ like ringing her gp and asking them to call or even just telling them of the problem]

Too much to write would be a very long post but if you want to talk more about it ,just askxx

vonsudenfed, I've got an alcoholic father whom I haven't seen for a number of years now, as well as an alcoholic ex who is still regularly the source of much chaos and drama.

Al-Anon was very helpful for me when dealing with my ex, particularly for realising that I was not the only one trying to deal with these kinds of issues. The Al-Anon mantra of "You didn't cause their alcoholism, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it" is one that I still regularly remind myself of.

Nevertheless, I found one-on-one counselling (organised via my GP) much more beneficial for me. Horses for courses. Among many other benefits, counselling really did help me to set reasonable boundaries for what I would and would not accept, and how to make "escape plans" to get me out of situations where my boundaries were being transgressed. It made a significant difference to my life and my happiness.

I recommend a book called Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. The whole "codependent" concept is one that I'm not sure I entirely buy into, but it is unmistakable that there are patterns of behaviour described in that book that match my own behaviours with my ex, and my dad, and with much the same negative results. Similarly, many of the ideas, thoughts and different ways of approaching these issues as described in that book have been immensely helpful for me.

As to where you go from here... It boils down to "do what is best for you and your life". Give her the space and dignity to make her own decisions and choices for her life. They may not be the choices you would make but she's an adult doing something she chooses to do. Where those choices impinge on your life is where you can erect boundaries for what is acceptable to you.

Having an alcoholic parent downright sucks, it really does. But there are ways to ensure that regardless of their problems, you can still live your life for you.