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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Coping with a dp who does not help

11 replies

doormat2 · 05/04/2009 18:54

I have been with dp 3 years, lived together for 2. I have 2 dds from a previous relationship, dd2 has severe SN.

Dp is self-employed and works away from home a lot, but when he is home, he also works a great deal (often all weekend). I work 25 hours a week, and then work 7-10 hours unpaid helping dp out with his business, so I am near as dammit full time too. Dp contributes half of all household costs (the house was mine before we got together).

My ex-h was violent etc and currently is not allowed to have access to dd2 unsupervised (long history not really relevant here) so I get v little support there.

I currently do 100% of the household chores and about 99% of the childcare!! I have asked dp to help me out countless times and he might do the occasional task for a couple of days and then slip back into his old ways. In the 2 years we have lived together, he has maybe put the rubbish out 2-3 times, unloaded the dishwasher maybe 10 times and hoovered maybe 1-2 times!!! The only thing he does do regularly is iron his own shirts!

His argument is that he is not interested in housework, doesn't see the need to do it as regularly as me and will never change his ways. Surely there are tasks that cannot be avoided daily - eg washing up, cooking, tidying up and dealing with rubbish???!

I am becoming increasingly resentful and bitter, and dp has told me I am becoming a nightmare! Is there any way I can successfully get him to pull his weight?

OP posts:

LadyOfScoffleTheEasterEggs · 05/04/2009 19:05

I found making little job lists helps. If you are happy with it, let him pick a few to do daily/weekly then he can fit them in. Generally DH and I share the housework, but when he is very busy at work he at least deals with the rubbish, puts clothes away (I hate that!) and cleans the highchair and does the dishwasher if it's still to be done. Once you write out all the jobs he will see how much really needs doing a day.

ShyTalk · 05/04/2009 19:24

doormat2 - the poor lamb is not interested in housework? Oh dear, I'm sure it doesn't really light your candle either?
This cheeky devil lazy sod realises that there is housework to be done - ie, he irons his shirts - just his shirts (because he wants them ironed), nothing else. You work just about as many hours as he does and you do all the housework/childcare stuff. And he has the nerve to say you are becoming a nightmare? This relationship should involve you and him being partners. It doesn't sound like that is the case. Write down all domestic tasks with the estimated time involved. Share them out equally with regard to prefences and have a damned good go at making sure he does his share.

HolyGuacamole · 05/04/2009 19:25

Lazy git! Yeah I bet he laps up the fact that you do it though! You know what, my DH is just as good at washing dishes as me. I am not better at hoovering than him. Housework ability has nothing to do with being female!! On the same note, I'm pretty good at digging the garden or washing the car. Sharing is what it is all about.

I'd go on strike if I were you, honestly. Leave the house like a bombsite and only do as much as you need to do to get yourself and kids sorted. Then you'll soon see if he really minds or not.

His attitude IMO is sexist and completely inflexible. "I won't tidy up but you will anyway so I don't need to and no, I am not about to change thank you very much". He can probably put up with you moaning every once in a while knowing that at the end of the day he still doesn't have to lift a finger.

It is utter laziness. I couldn't live with a man who won't pull his weight in the house, no way Jose.

clam · 05/04/2009 20:50

"Doesn't see the need to do it regularly?" So, what happens when he runs out of shirts to iron becuse you haven't washed them? Or there are no plates to eat the food you've cooked him?
He's having a laugh! You are not his mother, but his partner in life. You need To Talk.

MuppetsMuggle · 05/04/2009 20:54

DP is like this sometimes, and I've told him how annoying it is when i've ironed something and put it away, he's got out to wear for no more than 5 mins then screws up on the floor instead of putting it away.

the times i've felt like just leaving his dirty washing there, just doing DD and mine. Leaving his things screwed up and not doing the housework, he would notice how hard i work. which i did, he's starting to realise, but still leaving jumpers screwed up tho

Just leave his stuff, let him cook his own dinner, he'll soon realise.

BecauseImWoeufit · 05/04/2009 20:57

Well for a start you should stop working unpaid for your dp. And if he complains, tell him that you're not interested in his business.

And stop being a doormat. The house, presumably, is still yours - you can ask him to leave. Ask him to find his own home and then you can do your own housework and he can live in a pit.

Ivykaty44 · 05/04/2009 20:59

get a housekeeper in for 7-10 hours per week to cover the time you work unpaid and take the housekeeping from his business - he can claim it for whatever he wants to the tax man

BEAUTlFUL · 05/04/2009 21:01

I agree with Because... It's not fair that you help him (unpaid) with his business, but he refuses to help out at home. Twunt.

iloveshoesandbags · 05/04/2009 21:18

I don't know if this will be appreciated or not but I had the same thing. I worked full time, have 2 DDs and did everything, cleaning, shopping, childcare, his books (he was self-employed), studied for 8 years in addition to working full time.
I woke up 6 months ago and have just filed for divorce. For many years I made excuses for him while he spent his spare time on his hobbies.
The leopard I lived with didn't change his spots.
Even after two c sections he didn't do the shopping. I had to do it on-line or rely on my family.
Good luck if you can change him.
Incidentally I take the DDs there and pick them up. The house is a state, dirty, smells and he obviously has the dog in because there are hairs all over. yuk.

Original poster

doormat2 · 05/04/2009 22:40

Thanks for your replies - I have been doing his books this evening but did succeed in getting him to do the dishwasher! I am a shareholder in the company so will eventually benefit financially, so I don't feel too aggrieved about that...

As for talking, believe me, I have tried that! I have tried getting his friends to shame him and even talked to his Mum about it - all to no avail - apparently he is just like his father!

He has told me that he will do stuff if I pester him enough. It just gets so aggravating having to ask for things to be done. If only he would just do it!!! He just seems to have no conscience about it at all.

The list approach may work, but I'm not hopeful due to lack of conscience. The only hope is just persistent reminders and requests. Jeez.

He is a very laid back character in all respects which can be quite nice, never judgmental or demanding about anything - would never complain about no food in the house or floor not cleaned etc - but his standards are just too low for me!!

OP posts:

Shylily · 07/04/2009 21:32

A friend of mine approached this by getting very technical! They sat down together and listed every household task and gave it a value from 1 to 5 based on time taking, number of times per week, difficulty etc then divided them in to lists which added up to an equal value. Her husband sticks to it completely.

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