Is DP being controlling/pedantic about my communication, or AIBU?

[troubleandsqueak]

We were due to be at my mum's this evening to eat at 6pm. DP knew this. He got in the shower at 5.20pm and was still in there at 5.50pm. It takes 10 minutes to get to my mum's.

At about 5.45pm, I poked my head into the bathroom and stated, crossly, that he'd been in there 25 minutes and we needed to leave in five minutes. When he was still in there five minutes later, I let rip a bit about his timing and he calmly said something to the effect that I should speak to him politely and respectfully if I have a problem with how he behaves. My point is that, sometimes, if we're irresponsible and mess up other people's plans, we can realistically expect them to get angry at us about it.

At DP's suggestion that I calm down and talk to him calmly and politely, I felt even more angry; I felt controlled - as though he expects me to gently tread around him being nicey nicey even when he's just done something that has wound me up.

This is a recurring sticking point for us. It's how I say things, apparently. If I could only ask nicely/politely/calmly, DP would be happier to comply or engage with me. The trouble is, I feel emotionally straight-jacketed. Sometimes, I think it's normal and natural to let rip at someone close if they've done something out of order, but DP - apparently aspiring to improve our communication, which I know is a good idea - wants it calm and polite and respectful all the time, and I just don't think that's realistic.

So AIBU and need to contain myself and, if I have a problem with his timing, just walk out the door on time myself and leave him behind if he's not ready (dishing out natural consequences to DP would feel like I'm parenting him though ), or is he being unreasonable and controlling and needs to just be responsible, and on time, or deal with my wrath?

Is he just like this about things he doesn't consider important? eg Does he think "Oh it's only going to her mother's - they can all wait till I deign to get round to getting ready"?

I wouldn't respond well to my dp letting rip at me - I expect to be spoken to calmly and nicely too!

In this situation I would have let my dp know (politely) at 5.45 that we needed to leave in 5 minutes, and at 5.50 would have told him I was going and I'd meet him there.

It is a little bit passive aggressive and I do think you have reason to be annoyed HOWEVER I too expect to be spoken too in a certain way and I dont agree that "letting rip" is really ok - I think that you can be firm and still be respectful. TBH it sounds like you could both do with some thought over your communications. That said it is bloody rude to be running that late and it is completely reasonable of you to expect him not too - is he always that late or just when you need to be on time.

Sorry but I think your dp is right on this one because the first time you spoke to him was 'crossly'.

I think it's fair enough to be annoyed at him making you late but if you'd been friendly in the first place - 'Hey dp, had you realised what the time was? We'd better get a move on.' perhaps he wouldn't have been so obstructive.

Does he always speak to you in a clam friendly tone?

I think he is being a bit controlling and passive aggressive. When he is being a twonk, of course you get irritated and you are entitled to show that irritation - you are not an effing machine.

If it was my dh, I'd tell him I'd talk to him like a grown up when he starts behaving like one.

(And it's entirely natural for you to be cross when he's been hogging the shower for 25 minutes and is STILL in there despite knowing you need to leave now to get to your Mum's.)

Thanks for replies.

Katisha - he's late quite a lot, TBH.

willowthewispa - do you expect to be spoken to calmly and nicely too even when you're being unreasonable and messing up others' plans? Sound advice, though, about me leaving on time anyway, and letting him know that I will be - nicely, of course.

MarlaSinger - yes, I thought it was a bit passive aggressive too; to mess up agreed timings through dawdling, and then make me and my getting cross the problem. Going without him seems a good plan; I just shouldn't have engaged in a discussion/argument. Actions speak louder than words and all.

prettyfly1 - but doesn't everyone let rip sometimes, when they're being messed about? Isn't that human? Like edam said, we are not machines and, while I'd admit that my temper needs reigning in a bit at times, the expectation that I never let rip at all seems wholly unrealistic - surely? I'd agree we both need to work on our communication. We both spent our teens in homes full of unresolved argument, guilt trips and the like, and can default to this at times.

Slambang - I see your point, but I felt it was OK to be a bit pissed off straight up since DP knew the plan and the timings; it wasn't a surprise. But again, I can see that there's a better way to handle this kind of thing: all the ranting in the world rarely achieves much.

edam - that was my initial thought: people can do things which can bring about angry reactions in others. That's life. Deal with it. (Which is pretty much what I said to DP.) But I have to calm down a bit too, I think - behave like a grown-up myself rather than a stroppy teenager.

Future plan: when DP is late again (which he often is), one polite warning then go without him.

Thanks for posts. I think it was a bit of both of us.

Erm, it might've been both of you but who created the situation?

It would be polite not to stress you out by having shitola timing and being so eleventh hour about things that are important to you really I think, if you are tslking politeness here.

I'm afraid I agree with your DP. If you let rip and the other person responds it can just escalate into name-calling and I don't see how that helps anyone.

I know that some people feel they need to clear the air and have a good argy-bargy every so often, but I'm not one of those people! I guess your DP isn't either.

Unless your partner does something utterly horrible then I don't see why it can't be dealt with politely.

I certainly think letting rip for taking too long in the shower is OTT. I would have said something like "Are you going to be long because I really don't want to be late for my mum" or something to that effect.

How does he talk to you? Does he ever let rip at you or is he always calm regardless?

My husband doesn't 'do' shouting or arguments, and does not respond to shouting either. I have learned over the years that an emotional response will never get me the result I want and I have learned to speak calmly (most of the time, but I know that if I shout it is just to let off steam and it will not accomplish anything ) He finds shouting etc to be manipulative and controlling, and won't 'engage', iyswim. He never shouts or gets visibly angry and doesn't accept it being done to him....In normal circumstances, there have been a couple of times when he's been diferent, but these co-incide with periods of extreme stress or depression, but his normal state is calm and rational. Yelling brings a, well, a wall down in him, iyswim.

If any of this sounds familiar, perhaps your husband is like this? If so, ime, it's better to learn to communicate in a way that they'll listen to, cos at the end of the day, it gets you the result you want.

If you have to leave your house at 5.50pm, and you get in the shower at 5.20pm, why would you decide to take 25 minutes anyway? Surely that is stupid, take a 5 or 10 minute shower.

TBH, it sounds like he was deliberately winding you up. Why would he take so long? And of course you are going to get annoyed.

I do think that when you went in and said that you had to leave in 5 minutes, regardless of the way you said it, he should have got out the shower, not stayed in it for another 5 minutes.

Its like he is trying to piss you off.