I'm new here and was wondering if I have done the right thing??

[singlemumtobe87]

I am 17weeks pregnant and left my partner a week ago. Am I just being silly or am I justified in leaving...

Before I left we didnt speak for 24 hours because my partner couldn't find something and that was obviously my fault. When we did finally speak it turned into a screaming match that I am sure the entire street must have heard, he said some very hurtful things which he has since said were just because he was angry but there must be some truth in them or they wouldnt have entered his mind?He also didnt ask me to stay so he must have wanted me to leave? Right?

Also I read another thread on here that said about emotional abuse and I'm not sure that was what he was doing but elements of it do sound very familiar. I suffer from depression and hit a low recently and everytime I tried to pick myself up or go near him he put me straight back down with hurtful comments. He said I was stupid for crying for no real reason. I too felt as though I was treading on eggshells as he flew off the handle at the smallest thing. I have lost a lot of friends because he didnt want me to spend time with them and one of my friends is to blame for us breaking up in his opinion, also I am not allowed to be friends with this person and be in a relationship with ex-partner. My family don't understand why I have left him because he is always so nice infront of them and the only concrete thing I have been able to tell them is how he lied to them all and has made me lie to authorities, but they still hope we will work it out.

The wierd thing is he changed when I got pregnant, suddenly he felt he should have some control. He was fine before, he used to bring me flowers every week not had any since pregnant, is that an unfair comment??

Am I just being hormonal? Should I go back and try and work things out or would I be better off going it alone with baby when he/she arrives? I do have alot of support from family so not alone iykwim.

Things do change when people are expecting a baby. Some men do suddenly decide that they need to be in control. I think this may be because they have so little control once they've impregnated a woman. Unfortunately, some men will go too far with it and it does sound to me as if your dp(!) has done that.

Did he stop you seeing your friend(s) before you were pregnant? If he was already trying to control you before you became pregnant, then I would suspect that this is in his nature and he will continue in this vein if you stay with him, or rather, return to him.

If it is all part of the change since pregnancy, then it may be a symptom of his fear/worry etc that is fairly natural when facing the responsibility of parenthood. In that case I would say that there is hope, but you would both have to work at it - serious, long term talking or couple counselling.

Don't go back to him, until you are 100% certain that it is the right thing to do, and that he will not try to control you.

It's hard to tell if you've done the right thing because there aren't many specifics in your original post.

But reading between the lines, you did want out. It's just your family who think things should work out. Is that right? Because if that's the case, they're not the ones who have to live with him.

If he's dictating who you do and don't have as friends, that's a very bad sign.

What lie did he make you tell the authorities?

Pregnancy is a very difficult time emotionally for everyone, particularly the mother. I had depression during my first pregnancy and the added hormones nearly sent me into psychological meltdown. I kept saying things to close family that sounded perfectly reasonable to me but I afterwards found out were extremely hurtful and offensive- I just thought everyone was being vile, when in fact it was me.

I am not saying the same is happening to you. He may be a controlling emotional abuser but I think you should visit your GP to discuss your depression and pregnancy before you make any decisions about your relationship.

Being on your own with a new baby will be very very very hard and you should only make the choice to do this if you are absolutely sure that your relationship is not worth working at.

I think this does sound like the beginnings of emotional abuse.

If he is making you lie against your better judgement and you don't feel comfortable with it but feel forced to, yes that is emotional abuse.

Flying of the handle for no reason, not speaking to you for 24 hours because he couldn't find something, that is emotional abuse.

Trying to control who you spend time with, preventing you from spending time with family or friends, that is emotional abuse.

What sort of hurtful things did he say, if it was name calling or vicious, untrue attacks on your character in order to win the row or hurt you that is emotional abuse.

How you are feeling is the most important thing. If you are having doubts and feeling uncomfortable about him then you need to listen to them. So many women (me being one of them) don't pick up on the signs at the beginning or ignore them hoping it will get better and it rarely does. Many abusers who never were before become abusive when their partner becomes pregnant. Perhaps you should check out this website and see if it rings any bells for you here.

Thank you all for comments, was thinking I was going mad!!

JuxaLOT: Before we moved in together he didn't stop me seeing my friends as he knew he couldn't we still had fairly seperate lives but he didn't approve and made this clear everytime I went out. When we moved in together it was kind of gradual, he would make digs about ppl, the amount of time I spent online talking with friends (when he wasn't around as I wanted to spend time with him when he was home) One night I even remember he threw a tantrum because a friend dared to text me later than usual and so didn't talk to me till next day When we found out I was pregnant it got worse. I havent seen anyone unless in the street.

Longtalljosie: Yes it is family that think things will get better, I'm confident they wont. I can understand with my dad because he grew up without a father and so has lots of justified reasons to want us to sort it out but has also reassured me that I need to do what is right for me and he hates the fact that I am not happy. He has offered full support no matter what but can see from his point of view also. ex made me lie about our situation so he could claim benefits, I didn't realise what he had said until we both had to attend a meeting regarding the benefits and I saw that he had blatantly lied, I was made to keep this pretense up of course and had to sign to say it was all true to best of knowledge. I have cancelled the claim on my part.

junk: I totally appreciate what your saying as I have suffered on and off for some time (before pregnancy) and I have pushed people away and they haven't known if they are oming or going with me but I am extremely close to my family (parents etc) since becoming pregnant and I have had no prblems with them, I am even living with my parents and siblings at the moment and we really used to fall out before I left home!! Also I have spoken to midwife and dr about the depression and we are starting up counselling rather than the medication route.

spring: I was told while I was with ex by a friend one night when I was in a really bad state that he thought I was being emotionally abused. Infact he saw it from very very beginning and I shrugged it off and told him not to be silly but here I am. If only I learnt to listen!! The most recent things he has thrown at me are about my being a danger to child, how can i love a child if I can't love him when I never said I didn't love him. I've ruined his life, thats getting to be a classic heard it many times over last week. He told me before I was lazy when he did nothing around the house, he even managed to die his clothes different colours because he doesnt know how to work washing machine. How dare I leave and not give him instructions.

I don't think I am being hormonal despite suggestion from family, I think I'm right to have left but now he doesnt even want to b civil to me. He doesnt want anymore contact until next scan. I dont want this child to be punished by his games.

"The most recent things he has thrown at me are about my being a danger to child, how can i love a child if I can't love him when I never said I didn't love him. I've ruined his life, thats getting to be a classic heard it many times over last week. He told me before I was lazy when he did nothing around the house, he even managed to die his clothes different colours because he doesnt know how to work washing machine. How dare I leave and not give him instructions."

This is emotional and verbal abuse. Nearly all abusers attack their partner by calling them a bad mother, my ex did it often enough. All I can say is thank goodness he did all this before the baby arrived and more importantly you that you have the strength and awareness to put a stop to it. You sound amazing.

Tbh he sounds very similar to my ex, he constantly attacked my parenting, called me lazy etc. Would fly into rages if I spoke to family members or friends and my x is a cast iron, first degree controlling and abusive a*sehole.

You could try this book here. This book saved my sanity in that it finally made me able to put my finger on and verablise what was happening to me. Know loads of others on here have found it helpful as well.

Thank you Springfleurs. Unfortunately I have not had a good time of it with men so far and I am very vulnerable in some situations etc. It is only because of my past that I am so aware of it all and I have a lot of barriers that enable me to see bigger pic. Luckily I have a lot of my dads side of the family in me and where loyalty may be one of my many traits I wont be taken for a mug for too long. It just became really hard when trying to explain to my family why I was leaving and them thinking I was being hormonal, really made me doubt myself so glad I came on here though, now I know I am doing the right thing. Thank you again

Well, he sounds like a thoroughly insecure individual. He clearly wants to keep you under his thumb in order to ensure you never get the chance to see that what he's doing and how he is is not normal.

My advice is, stick to your guns, don't listen to your family. You were right to leave him and I think you should stay as separate as possible.

He may improve, but I doubt it. The danger is that he will give you the impression that he has changed and make you think it is safe to get together again. It will not be. Do not return to him, please.

were you married?

DO NOT put his name on the birth certificate - if he wants PR (rights, basically to dictate what you can and cannot do with the child - because it won't be a 2 way conversation, that's for sure) he'll have to go to court and put effort in to get them.

Don't make it easy for him - tell him the date of the scan IF you want him there. You don't owe him anything - you don't HAVE to have him there.

Well done for getting out and staying out - it'll be the best thing ever

Thank you, thank you, thank you. No we were not married thank goodness. Would have been so much more difficult if we were. I am torn though, I don't want him trying to control anything or thinking he can get back in with me if like you say he "changes" but I don't want to punish the child by having no father figure. Don't get me wrong plenty of male influence around with family but is it the same? Would I be better off cutting him out completely? I have already told him he is not seeing child unsupervised but do I let him in at all? Thank you again for reassurring comments