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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Admitting for the first time that I have feelings for women

12 replies

HonestyisBliss · 04/04/2009 18:34

This is the first time I have admitted to myself that I may have feelings for women.

Ever since I was about 13 I have developed crushes on females. The first one was an older girl at my school, the second time it was my best friend at the age of around 15.

A couple of years ago I developed an obsession with a girl from a band to the point were I waited outside a venue at 2am in the morning just to meet her. I wasn't the only one doing that however, there were other women waiting to meet her too but I heard a few of them talking in a way that suggested they were gay.

I now find myself having feelings for a woman I work with.

One time a friend of mine admitted that she was bi and asked if I'd ever been with a woman. I couldn't get away quick enough and made my excuses to leave. Later however I found myself making excuses to go and see her, hoping she'd bring it up again.

In the past I have toyed with the idea of signing up to dating sites in order to meet women but this would merely be a test of my sexuality and I don't want to use people like that.

I have stronger feelings for women then I do for men.

Can anyone help me? share experiences? advise me? I have nobody to talk to about this. I wouldn't dare tell my friends and my family are anti-gay, old fashioned. I feel like I'm always going to have these feelings but be forced to bury them

OP posts:

Littlepurpleprincess · 04/04/2009 18:41

Don't bury them! I'm not gay and have no idea what your going through, but I will say, be true to yourself, be brave. We live in a society now where more and more people are being open about sexuality. You are certaintly not alone. The most important thing in life is to be honest to yourself. Could you tell one friend? If not, you don't have to tell anyone yet, if you don't want too, as long as you know what you feel, and are ok with it.

Original poster

HonestyisBliss · 04/04/2009 18:48

Thanks princess

I don't have anyone at all I could tell. If I told one friend, it would be all over within a week. To be honest, i have no friends close enough that I would trust with it.

I was out a couple of weeks ago in a nice pub and there were two women sat in a corner. Obviously partners and I just couldn't stop looking across and wishing I could have that. I think that's when I started to question myself seriously.

OP posts:

KerryMumbles · 04/04/2009 18:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

HonestyisBliss · 04/04/2009 18:52

No I'm single.

OP posts:

CherryChoc · 04/04/2009 18:57

Are you still in touch with your friend who is bi? Could you send her an email or something, perhaps touching on how you can't forget what she said and how you've been having feelings recently you are finding difficult to talk about and ask whether she would be willing to chat to you?

I know there is a website for gay men called gaydar.com which I think is for meeting up with other men for casual sex. I know there is a site called gaydar girls which appears to be the same sort of thing if you did want something casual.

Alternatively you could look for a gay/lesbian forum online somewhere where you can chat to others in the same situation. All the ones I have found just now have been mainly full of teenagers though - the only one I can think of with adults is www.ivillage.co.uk (but don't know what their lesbian board is like, their parenting one is very sparkly and ticker-ful . The relationships one used to be quite good.)

I identify as bi, though I mainly prefer men and have never had a relationship with a woman, so I think I have avoided the family/friends problem.

Good luck! Be proud of who you are

Littlepurpleprincess · 04/04/2009 19:03

You can have that one day! Maybe it would help to just get out and socalise as much as possible. Make friends first and let relationships develop naturally. The same as you would in a straight relationship, your not an alien after all. Build up your confidence, I know you will find the right person for you, I'm an optimist (sp?)

oldraver · 04/04/2009 19:03

I take it you dont want to hide these feelings and want to follow it through ie see where it leads you ?? All I can suggest is go with the flow. Its up to you whether you want to actively seek out other women and there are sites out there to help

CherryChoc · 04/04/2009 19:08

OK just looked at the ivillage lesbian forum and it looks very inactive. Then I remembered there is a lesbian magazine called Diva, so I googled that... this is their website and this is their forum "the blue rooms", which looks very active. Just buying the magazine might help as well.

mrsboogie · 04/04/2009 20:39

Are you in touch with your bi mate? If your current friends can't accept you then it might be time to find some new friends. Sorry that's not very helpful but if they have a problem with homosexuality that's their problem - you should not have to hide who you are.

jellyjelly · 04/04/2009 20:50

Hey, i am gay,I came out just over a yr ago. I had several relationships with men and had my son with my last serious one. I had always liked guys but went off them and fancied women more, alot more.

I met my first girlfriend on gaydar girls. She is my best friend now. Its not just casual things, its like any other dating sites. Some go for casual but some are lookuing for life partners.

Diva is a good magazine and can be found in whsmiths but not seen it many other places ie no major or small supermarket. It is sometimes on the top shelf.

I thought my family would be outraged as they are anti gay but have been welcoming about it as much as they can. My friends are happier because i am happy and my life has improved no end since coming out to myself and others. If you want to talk you can pm me or give me your email address. Its the best thing i have done. I am totally true to myself now.

jellyjelly · 04/04/2009 20:51

ps some of my friends had trouble with it but not many. Have lots of new friends now which is great.

JuK · 05/04/2009 17:04

Gingerbeer is a fantastic site - the lesbian equivalent of Mumsnet really. Really intelligent, lovely members of all backgrounds and ages, and there's even a 'rainbow families' section. If I were you, I'd post on there. Somebody is bound to have been through the same thing. They also have heaps of meet-ups and activities (mainly in the London area) which are great for meeting people.

Good luck with everything and well done on admitting this to yourself, it's a big step. Being a lesbian isn't as scary as you'd imagine, and you can always go back to men if it doesn't work out for you!

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