Is it always my fault?

[elsmummy]

I have been with my partner for 15 years and we have 3 children together ( not married).
The relashionship is over, but that's another thread topic.
What I need to know is, Is his violence ever my fault, as this is always his reason.
He says I drive him to it.
Violence is not a daily occurence it happens sometimes, always when we are arguing, It first happend pretty early on in the relashionship, I think he pushed me over.
It was so long ago I can;t really remember.
Once when I was 8 months pregnant we were in the car arguing and I was shouting at him, He slapped me in the face causing my nose to bleed, Of course he said it was my fault as I was shouting at him, and I think I just accepted that.I have never been put in hospital, never had broken bones or black eyes, usually its a slap across the face, on a couple of occasions he has spat at me, pushed me to the ground, or against the wall, slapped toast in my face. To be honest its happend so much over 15 years its hard to remember all of it.
I do feel some responsibility as I can be a moody cow, and wind him up when we argue, but is any level of violence Ever justifiable, and is it ever my fault!

No.

It is never your fault.

It is entirely his responsibility.

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. He is a grown man and capable of walking away/ignoring. I do not know a couple who don't have the odd row , but they don't go round slapping and spitting on eachother. What the hell was he hoping to achieve?

He is a very weak man doing that to you. It is never your fault and don't let him make you think otherwise. You are better off out of it.

The only way that it could ever be your fault is if he was acting in self defence (eg you had gone at him with a knife).

Shouting is definitely not justification - he spat at you? That is just vile.

NEVER your fault. The fact that he says so is just another element of the abuse - to make you feel as though you deserve it so you won't fight back/complain/leave.

However much you provoke him, in the end it is his CHOICE how he reacts to you - and his CHOICE is to hit you. That is HIS fault.

Please do something about it.

No
it is not your fault
violence is never justified
he has a problem
you are the victim in an abusive relationship

No. Never.

Not in the least. It's his choice to hit you. He likes hitting you. Abusing you feeds his ego and takes out his frustrations; he thinks you are his property and can be battered into total obedience.
Have you got rid of him yet?

Thanks for the replies, guess it's what I though already.
No haven't got rid of him yet, simple fact is he won't leave.
We are not married but have 3 young children together, just before xmas last year I sought legal advise and a letter was sent to him, that was burned on the stove.
his view is that if I want the relashionship over I should go as everything belongs to him. he took the house keys, car keys, would't let me watch the TV's, took computer, phone, and on one occasion when I was going out with girl friends he turned off the water and electric so I could't shower and get ready.
It was hell and in the end I stopped the legal prodeedings.
I could and should go to my mums but that's 25 miles away and can't see how I would get the kids to school from there, I really don;t have any easy solutions.
I have mamaged to get myself a small job which pays for my car so at least now I have some independance, but he once mamaged to disable it (as I left it un-locked) again I was going out with girl friends, which resulted in me calling the police and he promptly got it working again.
It's so hard as I know I do not love im anymore and I don;t think I ever will, I want to leave but there is no chance of an amicable seperation, which I now know!.
Just don't know if I have the strengh to leave with the kids and go to my mums, or start the legal proceedings again and go through absolute hell for what could potetially be months if not years.

God, poor you.
There are ways, you need to talk to Shelter or someone like that who can help you work out how to get away safely. In the end, if you have to move the DC to different schools it won't be the end of the world - but you will probably be able to get some help to move elsewhere within the same catchment area.

Are you afraid he will come after you and hurt you?

I think you are seeing the light aren't you, you know however much of a nag or a pain you might have been at times you didn't deserve the treatment you have received. That shows what kind of man he is, not what kind of woman you are.

You seem to be slowly gathering courgae and hopefully the strength to do what you know you need to do. You have your own job and car, that is fantastic.

make sure you store documents like birth certificates with your mum or a freind, start to stash other stuff like clothes and importnat things like photos etc. If you can open a bank account using your mums address and get your wages paid into that as soon as you can, or if you already have your own account get the address changed now. Same with any other things like your car insurance and breakdown cover, change address on anything like that that is movable.

Make sure your mum is aware of the fact you may decend on her at a moments notice. I would also get details of womans aid or a shelter etc in case there is a problem getting to your mums.

Keep going you will get there and it will all be worth while especially for your kids.

He can be made to leave, you know, even if the house is in his name. Abusive men lose the right to live in the family home. He's beaten you up and damaged your property and it's all on record: the next time he kicks off, dial 999 and the police will come and remove him from the house. Then you can get a court order to keep him away. It's his own fault. He's a violent domestic abuser, so he loses the right to live in the house: he has no right to abuse you.