What would you do if your lovely DP was a pauper?

[mrsminiver]

I've always been careful about money and am finally in the fortunate position of being mortgage-free - I'm far from loaded but I don't really have to worry. I currently earn considerably less than the average wage but because I saved in the past when I was better paid, I'm OK now.

I was married to a man who thought it beneath him to work, so he stayed at home and looked after the DC while I worked. We were divorced two years ago and I've been seeing my new DP for the last year. He's a lovely man and good for me in many ways but is terrible with money and despite the fact that he's on a decent salary is always overdrawn. He's hopeless at budgetting, spends unwisely and still spoils his kids of 18 and 21, both of whom are students with part-time jobs. He recently bought a lap-top for £700 when he could have got one for £300 and is paying off loans for stuff that he should never have bought and there doesn't seem to be any light at the end of the tunnel.

I like going out sometimes but feel uncomfortable about meals or occassional stays at a hotel (it's nice to do that sometimes because we live a long way apart at the moment and it's nice to meet in the middle) because I know he just hasn't got the money. I wanted to go to an inexpensive hotel this weekend but knowing how overdrawn he is would spoil it. I'm no gold-digger and have always paid my way and money has never been a turn on for me, but I would like to be with someone who knows how to handle money and isn't living hand to mouth.

I really love him and want a future with him and don't want to end up resenting him because of this but the fact that he's earned very good money in the past and is still OK now and has nothing to show for it, grates on me. Is there anything constructive I can do? I had thought of sitting down with him and going through his finances - the nice thing about him is that he hides nothing from me and would probably appreciate it. Or do I just accept that if I want us to do anything nice, I just have to cough up?

ooh you sound almost like me! I'm in a relationship with a spendthrift and it drives me mad! I do get resentful at times because it seems I always end up paying for stuff and if he's a bit short I don't get housekeeping because he knows I'm a good manager and will manage or he gives it to me and then ends up 'borrowing' it back

I have no answers but wanted to empathise

The National Lottery. You have to be in it to win it.

"I would like to be with someone who knows how to handle money and isn't living hand to mouth"

It sounds like your relationship is working atm because you live a long way apart. If you were with him full time he would drive you bonkers.

If you regard this as a kind of temporary-fun-while-it-lasts thing then coughing up will not upset you. If you want more, then you will resent it and him, no matter how much you love him now.

I would step back a bit and take it as a fun interlude, myself.

It would be a dealbreaker for me I'm afraid. I couldn't live my life like that.

Akhems, thanks for empathy! Thing is my DP isn't ungenerous, you should have seen what he bought me for Xmas and he offers to pay for my groceries etc. but it's money he hasn't got. Swedes, winning the lottery would solve everything and the scary thing is, he thinks he's going to!

Seriously though, I'm so proud of what I've achieved for me and DD and I'm not tight in any way but I just hate the thought of going somewhere nice and feeling uncomfortable when they bring the bill. I'm just too old for all of that.

Mmm. When you say 'you can't stand the thought of being uncomfortable' with what you've achieved, this sounds to me like some unspoken discomfort with him.

You say he's lovely, but paying for him makes you profoundly uncomfortable.

Say, 10 years hence, you were married, deeply committed and he was made redundant. Would you, or most wives, pay his way then? I'd hedge a yes, if they loved him.

So ask yourself, if you're not prepared to now, what is likely to change? Money discussions in relationships are often a proxy for 'do I really like/love this person?'. And in your case, perhaps the money debate is telling you something is not quite right.

Cut your losses early? And look for someone for whom money doesn't matter to you?

Or if this makes you uncomfortable and you decide feck it, you do love him too much. Then you've gotta commit and stop thinking he costs you too much. You won't change his ways (certainly) so can you accept them?

It is unlikely he will change. He is a spendthrift, they usually take little coaxing into spending money generously on other people.

I have this with my dh, I have had to take over all his personal finances, set up budget plans and paying off plans on his credit cards, I have gone as far as taken them off him, and only let him have a debit card. He let me have all his salary, so I can pay all the domestic bills, and he has only an "allowance" which he spends within moments, on toys for the kids, gifts for me, the odd grocery shop etc...

It works between us because he lets me have full control over his money. Many men wouldnt allow this.

That is so interesting Qunitessentially because I think mine would allow this and possibly even encourage it. How did you get into this situation? Your description of your dh sounds exactly like my dp, when he has money it just goes.

I think I will suggest that we have a look at what his money goes on and try and control his expenditure. I know he spends too much on his kids but don't feel I can say too much because I'm just the gf, not their mum.

Wilfsell, yes, if he were made redundant I'd have no problem supporting him. It's the fact that he earns good money and can't even afford a decent haircut that gets to me.

From what you say, he doesn't expect you to pay for him so tbh, I think it is up to him how he deals with his money. If he chooses to spoil his children, that is his business. If he chooses to spend more on a laptop than you think he should, well, that is his business too. Why should it grate on you that he has nothing to show for what he has earned in the past? You are not married, or even living together. He does not have to answer to you for how he chooses to spend his money. If you were living together, it would be different because he would have to contribute to the costs of running a home together. But until then, as far as I can see, it really is his business.

On the other hand, I don't think it is your responsibility to pay out for everything'nice' all the time. Maybe you need to decide together on something nice to do, and then agree to save for it together. Outside of that though, I really think you should stay out of his finances until he invites you to get involved, or you run the risk of beng seen as very controlling!

I simply had to, because he credit card bills were enormous, and we were running ourselves into debt, with him spending money we did not have. He doesnt even open his bank statements any more, I do. I file them. He is totally oblivious, and he does discuss any impending purchase with me now. He KNOWS he overspends, and we cant afford it.

The difference is, we are married, we have a home and two young children together. I dont think you can expect the same control in your particular circumstances. You have to butt out a little, for now. You cant complain that he overspends on a laptop, "just because" it means he can spend less on eating out with you etc.

He might welcome the idea, but find you a little controlling if and when you actually DO take control over his finances.

Good advice, thanks. It's just when he moans and moans about not having any money and how hard it is for him and hurts his male pride and that he's working his butt off for no reason. If he kept stumm, it wouldn't be a major issue for me. It's almost like he's asking for my help (my advice, not my money).

We are in fact planning on living together quite soon and he's asked me to marry him. And that's why I'd rather not have any nasty surprises. mrsjammi, you said it all "i didnt mind that he had nothing, i minded him wanting to carry on living the lifestyle that had put him there".

Well don't get a joint bank account.

And might get a pre-nup too!

You really do need to sort this out before you live with him or even marry him, or it will be the elephant in the room.

He reminds me of DH (1). I was v young when we married but he always knew that I would have the better jobs etc. He told my dad that "every day's a holiday for me" . He was always buying/doing stuff that didn't make sense with his total lack of income and total lack of urge to earn any money.

Do not move in with or consider marrying a man when there is such a glaring incompatibility as this.

This is not about him having less money, this is about two people with fundamentally different value systems when it comes to finances and that is poison in a domestic situation.

You need to have a good, long chat about money, spending priorities, strategies for saving, contingency plans for if either of you find yourselves without a wage. If you can't agree or he doesn't take it seriously then don't risk the security you have built up for you and your daughter.

Right now his carelessness with money is his problem. If you set up home with him without sorting it you make it yours (and your dd's). You have every reason to be proud of what you have achieved. Don't put it at risk for a spendthrift.

Ps spending money you don't have is not generous. Sharing your last fiver with someone who needs it as much as you do is generous.

Thanks Dee, all you say is true and I know I can't brush this under the carpet if we're going to live together/get married. Also your definition of generous is spot on.