How can I get over my extreme hatred of my brother in law?

[SerendipitousHarlot]

Quick-ish back story..

Me and my sister used to be really close. She has a 15 yr old ds from her first marriage, and a few years ago she married the only one of her boyfriends that I didn't like.

Over the last few years, it's got worse and worse.

She has just given birth to her second child with him, so now she has 3 dc.

They separated when she was pregnant with the latest, but he has always believed that her reasons for kicking him out were hormonal, because she was pregnant, and that once the baby was born, she'd 'get over it'. She has tried to incorporate him into the family, so that the children don't miss out on their dad, and he's at the house every day.

He's just an idiot. He's lazy, selfish, mean, miserable... gah, I could go on all night

The problem is, I live 200 miles away from my sister, so very rarely get the chance to see her, and am travelling down to see her next weekend to meet the new baby.

But I know he'll be there. And I don't know how I can contain myself.

He'll sit there, not speaking, keeping watch, not letting us talk...

I want to tell him. I mean, REALLY tell him what I think of him. But I can't, can I? I'll just have to waste another visit being watched, and seeing my lovely, funny, lively sister carry on becoming a shadow of her former self.....

so sorry, serendip. You sound really sad.

Does she confide in you? Does she love him? Why did she kick him out?

No, you can't. The only thing it will do is make you feel better.

If the weather's nice, take the baby and the other DCs out to the park as often as you can, and talk to your sister away from psycho BIL. Tell her you're worried about her, and that she'll always have your support, but I think that's as far as you can go.

oh I see, he's not living with her?

Well that sounds like she's coming to her senses?

That sounds really hard. Especially if he's hovering around and you don't get the chance to talk to sis. I know it might be difficult, but why not just be totally direct confrontational and actually say, 'I'd really like to have a little time with my sister now, seeing as I live so far away. Would you mind taking the kids out for a little while?' Smile sweetly, give him a tenner to buy a coffee, and then open the door.

I'm just at a loss as to what to do with/for her, mumonthenet

She does love him. But she doesn't know why. She spends her whole life slagging him off and being upset, but she's so concerned with giving her children what she considers to be a 'normal' family life, that she seems to be prepared to sacrifice her own happiness completely.

She kicked him out for lots and lots of reasons. One being that he was so useless when the 2 yr old was born. I don't know what possessed her to have another baby with him...

A sticking plaster for a broken leg, I suspect.

Can you invite her and the kids up to yours for a 'holiday'??

oregonianabroad that's a really good idea. I may well do that. I know he'll be there, because he won't like the idea of her being alone with me.

I have, HecAte, loads of times. But it's never the right time. She was pregnant, then the baby was too young, then she was pregnant again....

She has visited for the odd day, and it's been great, like old times.

It's only when I speak to her on the phone that she sounds so defeated.

As awful as it seems, she probably doesn't want you to do anything for her, except listen (and possibly do the washing up for her).

She has to make choices herself.

can you print out the emotional abuse thread and show it to her? Do you think her H ticks any of those boxes?

He sounds very controlling at the very least.

I have made my feelings quite clear without that, mumonthenet. She knows how I feel about him. And so does he, I suspect He knows I've got the measure of him, and always have had.

He's one of those men that you would never think was controlling. He's extremely subtle, very quiet and unassuming, bordering on rude when other people are around.

I wish I could explain him better to you.

He has anger issues. My sister left once and went to a hotel for a couple of nights, and he threatened to cut her family into pieces if she didn't come home.

He doesn't help around the house, or with the children. When he takes the 2yr old out, he 'forgets' to feed or change him, so that she's reluctant to ask him, because he can't be trusted properly. Allegedly.

He came to mine once, and I put a plate of dinner in his hand and asked him to take it through to my mum. He looked around and said....um...I'm confused...

serendip, you don't need to explain more, lots of us here know exactly what you mean.

The problem for many victims of emotional abuse is that they feel they could never get anyone else to understand, - and they wonder if they themselves are over-reacting. They think: each little incident on its own is maybe just normal married ups and downs...

...and slowly, slowly, their confidence is eroded.

Did your sister go back to him because he threatened to "cut her family to little pieces"? She can report him to the police for threats like that.

I am very aware that I should not diagnose your BIL but I would advise you to check out all the other threads on this subject and print out what you think would help your sister.

And of course, be there, always, for her.

It's incredibly hard, but you have to zip it, I'm afraid!

If she knows how you feel then you have nothing further to add to the topic. Nothing at all will be gained by any sort of scene. He will not have a "come to Jesus" moment if you tell him how you feel.
You will just play into his hands and allow him to marginalise you more.

The best death for him is death by kindness. Grin fuck him to death. He'll be wrong footed, unable to deal with it and give you and your sister some much deserved time together.

Once alone with her don't mention how you feel or what you are doing. She sounds like she has enough on her plate.

This works btw, but I'm not as evil as I seem