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Original poster

DS copying his dad (offensive, sorry)

18 replies

KnifeNFork · 03/04/2009 17:44

I'll try and make it as brief as pos.

When ex and his brother were teens, they became obsessed with 'LA Gangsta" type movies and music. As a result of this, they started calling each other "nigga" all the time. This nickname that they have for each other has continued and they still do it today but it's ALL THE TIME. They will say it many times in just one sentance for instance. It's so natural to them now that they don't even think about it, laugh or acknowledge it at all.

Problem is both ex and his brother have resently experienced relationship breakdowns and moved back home with their mum round about the same time. So now when DS visits his dad, he is around his brother too and routinely hears the nicknames.

He has started copying.. I have told him off but he hears it that often it's becoming part of his normal speech too and I HATE it. For instance he slips out with "Can i have a drink please nigga?" etc (only at his dads, not with me) but I have heard him say it at home too.

Today at school however, I was called into school as during football, DS shouted "pass us the ball then, nigga".

I can't stop him from going to see his dad and his dad laughed it off when I told him about DS copying. What more can I do? I am really worried we are going to seriously offend someone or get into a lot of trouble. DS says he is trying to stop saying it but I don't know if he is trying or not.

How do I make his dad realise that it just isn't funny for a kid to be going around saying this??

OP posts:

BitOfFunnyBunny · 03/04/2009 17:47

Tell him your boy could end up permanently excluded?

BitOfFunnyBunny · 03/04/2009 17:49

So he must have had this delightful habit when you met and fell in love then? You're not fussy!

StewieGriffinsMom · 03/04/2009 17:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

NaughtyAboutNestle · 03/04/2009 18:00

Everything always has to end up with posters having a go at the OP when they are just asking for advice

GypsyMoth · 03/04/2009 18:01

Too right!! He's going to get in serious trouble if that carries on. I'd stop his contact pronto!

racmac · 03/04/2009 18:02

Tell your charming ex to go to meet the school head and let her explain that he will be expelled and the consequences.

Let him deal with it

Blu · 03/04/2009 18:07

KNifeNFork - how old is your DS?

Here are some suggestions:
Make your ex go to the meeting with the school, and deal with the consequences of his stupidity - or at least see that it's serious, rather than leaving you to clear up the mess.

Is your ex white? Take him to somewhere where he could well get himself beaten up if he talks like that - and challnge him to start talking like it? Then point out that he is teaching your DS something that could make him very vulnerable indeed. OR adopt this tactic with your DS , depending on his age?

Has DS realised, now that school have called you in, that it is serious that he stops this?

PinkTulips · 03/04/2009 18:08

this might be one of those very few instances when it's the right thing to tell your ds that your dp is wrong.

tell him 'daddy is wrong, what daddy is doing is bad and could get you in alot of trouble. daddy shouldn't use that word and you should tell him every time he does that its naughty'

depending on ds's age i'd tell him exactly why that word is so hideous too..... 8 or over is old enough to learn some social history imo, even if it upsets him... all the better if it does as that way he might be frightened into stopping.

crokky · 03/04/2009 18:10

You need to try and tell your ex that even if he does not consider himself to be racist and does not think he is using this in a racist manner, it is a totally unacceptable word to use.

Tell him it causes more offence than the word c*nt, for example. Tell him also that your son will be in very serious trouble for using the word - he may get sent home from school etc.

I'm not sure how old your DS is, but perhaps seeing as your ex has no idea even when you explain things, you could try to explain to your DS that the word is unacceptable?

Can you ask your exMIL to speak to her sons? Perhaps she could understand and then pick them up on it when they use the word in her house?

immortalbeloved · 03/04/2009 18:23

I agree with talking with the ex, but presuming you'll be banging your head against a brick wall....

I would also suggest talking to your son, and asking him not to use that word, maybe explain a bit too

Then if he still uses it punish him appropriately, it's not his fault he's picked it up and is useing it, but it WILL be his fault if he disobeys you.

If he's at school he's old enough to know that there are rules and that breaking them result in punishment.

And I personally would come down on my lot like a ton of bricks if they used this word after being asked not to, they need to learn it will not be tolerated

Blu · 03/04/2009 18:25

immortal is right...

sayithowitis · 03/04/2009 19:45

Did the school explain to you that every 'racist' incident has to be reported? They have a duty to report it, not sure where the report goes, but all racist name calling etc is included, even if it is not intended to be racist. There was an incident at our school where a child inadvertantly used a word without realising the significance and it still had to be reported. Maybe you need to tell your ex that this is not a aughing matter and that as he is the one who has encouraged/allowed it to happen, you will refer any further contact from the school to him.

Lawks · 03/04/2009 19:51

Would ds use the word when he was visiting his granny? Or talking to his teacher? No? So then he is perfectly capable of controlling whether or not he says it. Tell him not to use it again. Ever. Tell him the consequences if he ever says it again. Follow it up.

There is no such thing as "trying to stop saying it". Just don't say it.

MsSpentEaster · 03/04/2009 19:52

My XP used to (and probably still does) do all the gangsta crap with his dad and brother, and they also used to call each other the same. (He never did in the start of our relationship because i rarely saw his dad) I hated it and told him to stop many times and he still did it.

Hopefully i wont have this problem because DS doesn't see the arsehole his dad

You have my sympathies though, I would also be restricting contact until he can restrict his language, what he says out of your DSs ear shot is, however vulgar, his own business (hopefully someone will teach him a lesson one day) but you have a duty to make sure your child isn't subjected to listening to (and then using) that disgusting languange

EffiePerine · 03/04/2009 19:59

How old is your DS? Why not have a wider chat about the effect the words you use can have on people (I'm assuming he would never consider swearing at a teacher even though he might the odd expletive from you).

solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 05/04/2009 10:21

It is, actually, sometimes harder than you think to stop using a word that you have got into the habit of using a lot. I think it's worth explaining to your DS that daddy is being silly, and why the word is so offensive and unsuitable for general conversation, but, especially if he's quite young, (ie not really old enough to have understood how offensive it is) then don't be too harsh on him.

nomoreamover · 05/04/2009 15:13

solidgold - you are right it is very hard - I still find it hard to stop swearing in front of my kids when talking on the phone......

BUT your ex needs to realise times have changed and it is no longer acceptable to use the term nigga in everyday speech - especially in an institution like a school. I can just imagine that your ex laughed - if he is happy to step about pretending to be a "gangsta" then seriously he has slipped into some rather childish ways......

My advice would be the same as others on here - restrict access to your DC - make it happen at your house if needs be. or in a contact centre until your ex can realise he is a father and as such has responsibilty to behave "well" in front of his child.....

solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 05/04/2009 22:22

Oh I know it's unacceptable and I understand that schools have to report 'racist' incidents, but I do think that some care should be taken with young-ish DC who don't really understand why some words are inappropriate and don't actually mean to be insulting, let alone racially abusive, when they repeat a word they have heard.

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