Is it possible to help a friend who can't/won't move on after divorce?

[itchyandscratchy]

A really lovely friend of mine and dh is still very sad after her divorce. They split 3 years ago and her ex-dh was a real bastard and left for another woman whom he is still with. They finally got divorced 6 months ago.

We were mates with both of them and dh still is in touch with the ex but I can't bring myself to spend time with him (and her) when he's around. He lives abroad so we don't see him that often anyway.

Our friend was desperate to make the marriage work and has lots of regrets about what happened. She's also had to accept now she will never be a mother due to some really traumatic m/cs during the marriage including one ectopic and her age is also against her now. She's very sad, understandably.

However, she has met a really lovely new chap who adores her and has weathered a long wait for her to allow him into her life. He's everything her ex wasn't (modest, honest, affable, loving) but she freely admits she can't 'let him in'. They're getting a house but she won't let him buy it with her - she says he can be her 'lodger with perks'! which they joke about but we can see it hurts him.

She just can't let go of the idea that she had invested all of her emotions, time and energy into the life she wanted and had been promised by her ex-dh, and that has been taken away from her. She's had counselling during the past 3 years from different sources but she seems to give it up when she doesn't hear what she wants. When we all meet up, she's quite happy to still talk about what a bastard her ex is and what a cow his gf was (which is true, but they're still together, so it must have been love).

Has anyone been where she is? Was it just time that helped or did anything anyone said or did help in your recovery?

Is there any way at all to help her move on from all this?

Kind of in the past but wasn't married. After a couple of really hellish long term relationships which ended very badly with loads of upheaval. I decided that I was going to stay single, date anyone I wanted, never get married, never have kids and that I was never going to 'let anyone in' again.

Then bang! I met my DH. We went thru a few difficult phases where I wanted to end it because I just couldn't let myself go properly, it was too risky I felt. He persevered with me though (trooper that he is) and eventually I had to decide. Was I going to stay with him and risk my feelings possibly being hurt in future or was I going to give it up to save myself from that possibility? Haha, now we're married and we are very happy!! I made the best decision and I am glad he hung around long enough for me to get my head around it all

Well you know what, sometimes you just have to take a chance. There are no guarantees in life, nobody can say what will or won't happen tomorrow but surely you need to take each day as it comes and be open to changing your ways.

Also, your friend doesn't need to have half a mortgage or be married or whatever to be committed. Commitment is whatever two people want it to be, living apart, living together, kids, no kids, whatever. However if one partner wants a bit more, there lies the problem. Sometimes you have to give a little and you don't know if you don't try. Your friend could lose out on a very nice guy if she can't give a little more and TBH, if she can't give more and he isn't happy, there will come a point in the future where they are both better finding someone who can be happy with the type of commitment that they both expect or want, sad though it is.

If this guy is really fantastic, has her best interests at heart and is good for her, then I hope she can change her views a little as it would be just such a shame to let him go.

Been there. Still there, actually.

Hi Ninah

I'm there too!!

Split from exh 2006. Then let exbf 'in' for abt 20 months. But that has just caused more hurt. So anyone I met now would have a very hard time getting in emotionally however 'nice' they were.

Don't get me wrong but well meaning friends who try to hurry me along or worry abt the feelings of any man I might hook up with would just jar a bit.

Because they can't really know how long it might take me to get over whatever is preventing letting someone in however frustrating that might be.

oh lordy its us merry band of 3 divorcees off the 'men hunt'thread
itchy it's very hard tbh as without wishing to speak out of turn here you can't really know how it is unless you've been there
i am very happy to be divorced but it has left its' mark on me
it does sound as tho your friend has still some distance to go before she reaches a place where she feels comfortable with herself and fully accepting of moving on
all you can do is what you're doing now be there for her and listen

Some people think that counselling might be helpful. Alot of couples counsellors will do couselling for individuals and they can help you to see things differently.

My h and I went to see one briefly last year but I am considering going on my own to sort out the mess in my head.

Maybe you could suggest that?

I certainly don't want to rush her along - it's not my place to... but she does ask my advice and we do talk. I know how hard it must be to move on esp after losing the chance to be a mum which I can't even contemplate. But tbh, her ex-dh (altho still a friend of my dh's) is/was an arrogant so and so, very full of his own self-importance, and was very scathing of her throughout their marriage because she was overweight/not feisty enough/not ambitious enough, blah blah blah...

and her new man is soooo the opposite of all this but she's admitted to us that she's really fond of him but she's not in love with him because that priviledge still remains with her ex

actually, writing it down, 3 years isn't really that long so maybe time will be the healer in the end? I still think she dwells too much on the past (harsh of me probably) and isn't prepared to live to today or tomorrow enough.