So I decided to stop making an effort with my mother I haven't spoken to her since Christmas

[sweetkitty]

Very very long history between my Mother and I, in a nutshell she is quite toxic, a nasty two faced person. She would never say anything nice to me try to bring me down and make me feel crap about myself at every opportunity whilst to the outside world making out she was so proud of me and that she is a great mother.

I have suffered from low self esteem, anxiety and depression in part because of my childhood, during counselling sessions this came to a head and basically the counsellor said that some mothers are jealous of their daughters and that she felt the need to belittle me whenever she could.

Anyway things have gotten really bad between us over the past few years, we live about an hour apart and the only time she would visit is if she gets driven there and back, she doesn't work (is very lazy) and cannot be bothered to get on the train to come and see her GC. The only thing she has ever done is be a mother and thinks she knows everything having had 2 DC, now I have 3 I think she feels I am a better mother than her now and in some ways I think she is jealous of me having 3 DC. When I had a mc a year ago she told me it was for the best and that I was stupid to have 3 DC no one has a big family these days.

So usually I would have phoned her maybe once or twice a month but the calls left me drained and angry. For instance it's always about her, how poor she is, how ill she is, last year she told everyone she had a cancer scare self diagnosed on google. So I phoned her after Christmas and had the usual rubbish phonecall so thought sod it, she's not making an effort neither shall I, so we haven't spoken since.

I don't miss her but I miss having a Mum if that makes sense, I know she did nothing for me except make me sad and upset but I lok at other people with Mums supporting them and it makes me sad that the DDS will never have a typical Gran relationship.

Don't know why I am typing this probably just to get it off my chest, no one will read it anyway.

I read it, mainly as I also have not spoken to my Mum since Christmas (well just after Christmas).

It makes perfect sense when you say you don't miss her but miss having a Mum. That's pretty much where I am too. My Mum hasn't said the nasty things yours has, but we are very low down on her list of priorities. I know that hurts sometimes

It is sad that your DDs won't have a typical relationship with her, but I think no relationship is better than having a toxic realtionship. Do they have other Grandparents on your partner's side?

No, someone has read it. I'm very sorry you're having such a tough time. Well done for deciding to break off contact, it does sound as if you've given her all you could give her.
Your DC will be better off for knowing that their Mum isn't stressed out and upset by toxic family tensions.
It's tough -some families don't tick those supprting, giving boxes. But you can make a change with your own LOs, it looks as if you are already on the way to doing that.
HTH.

You could be talking about my mother. I stopped talking to her for 3 years. Recently got back in touch due to a weak, guilt filled moment over xmas as I now have a son and thought she'd like to meet him.

Wish I hadn't bothered. The phonecalls leave me as they leave you. She made me cry when I called her to wish her happy mothers day. I haven't spoken to her since then and am enjoying the break. I do think she is toxic, manipulative, jealous and nasty.

You are doing the right thing, I would carry on if I were you.

My best friend had a similar problem and like you she couldn't face any more contact - every phone call left her feeling bad.

My friend didn't want to completely sever all contact however, and now she writes to her mother once every 2 months. She sends her factual info (dd1 has been to the school fete, ds is now eating solids etc) and she sometimes includes a photo.

By doing this she feels that she has not closed the door completely on a future relationship between her mother and her dcs, but it is all on her terms. She also feels that by writing to her she is protecting herself against the "guilt-trip" that her mother would unleash about being prevented from knowing what was happening in her grandchildren's lives iykwim.

Incidentally, in 9 months, she has never had a reply - which suits her fine.

my mil is like this and dh hasnt had any contact with her in years. Sometimes he will text her now and then to see shes ok but would rather not invite her back into our lives. She too is jealous, insecure, controlling and manipulative. My queston is why do you think they are like this-surely they must be aware of what they are doing? Dh had a great relationship with his mum until he became a teenager and started having gf's. He has always been her favourite over his siblings but the disadvange of this has been she always expects and demands more form him then the others and yet its never good enough. She wanted to be number in his life above me and our children.

sweetkitty - i could have written your op. my mother is exactly the same. she has NEVER visted the Gcs, we have to drive them over there. she and my father both drive and they are well off ( so money is not an issues)

she has never come to school shows etc even though we have bought her tickets and arranged to collect her

her only interest in seeing the children was to have photos taken together and show them off to her visitors, who were always there when we arrived. if we turned up unannounced she would disappear into the kitchen and 20 mins later they woudl start to arrive

she only visited her gs once when he was dying in hospital because we/the hospital would not allow her free access for visiting. BIL and SIL insisted that she visit just befroe he died as they know how bad Dh woudl feel later if she didnt

she didnt come to her gc funeral because we PERSONALLY did not come to collect her. Another family member was going to do it because surprisingly we were rather busy that day, with a service at the crematorium then one at the church. Oh and did I mention we had a 4yo a baby and I was pg?

when that baby was born she would not coem and visit and insisted that Dh drive the 2 day old baby across to hers for a photo oppertunity with her specially invited visitors . she was annoyed that the other children were there as she expected me to watch the 18 montd old and a 4yoy

she was annoyed that Dh & baby had to rush back so Lo coudl get his next bf. And no, i selfishly didn't go on the two hour round trip 48 hours post section.

after that i basically gave up on them, as it was causing too much distress to me and Dh and i coudlnt see how it benefitted the children.

so they have not contcated us in the last three years. no gifts or card at birthday and christmas for the children

i used to send cards/gifts/flowers etc but now i have given up

the children are too young to care and once we got over teh grief and teh guilt, we just feel relieved

its very sad. i dont tell many people in Rl as its teh last taboo. apparently you can leave your Dp/Dh whenever you feel like it but you must NEVER, even as an adult, say " no " to your mother

Another one who has read it...and I am there too.

Have not spoken to my mother for almost 2 years now. Previous to that I was torn between enjoying time together when she was being nice, and resentment and wishing I
could break all contact, when she was being a cow.

i honestly do not miss 'her' but wish i could have a nice mother, like my friends mum who is always there, uncritical and totally supporting and positive and will do anything for her.

It does get easier. And as the kids get older the need for gran becomes less - mine have my ex's mum in their life and she is nice.

Do yours have another grandparent?

Me too. I haven't seen either of my parents in nearly 3 years. I don't miss them, but i do miss having a parent figure in my life.

My mother was always very distant, we were never close. She always seemed to prefer my 2 sisters to me, I always felt left out, never like a real member of the family.

I am definately better off this way, but it is hard and very lonely at times.

KristinaM, I totally understand what you say about being able to leave your DH for eg. but to say no to your mother is apparently the biggest sin.

I am sure my mother used to play on this and make huge demands of me which were unreasonable. But i couldn't say no, for years and years. I hated myself inside for not doing what i really wanted and giving in to my mother all the time. Eventually, somehow i finally managed to say no to her over something. I was quite polite and refused her demands in a nice way, but she was so thick skinned my saying no almost didn't seem to register with her. I remember she asked me over and over again and i kept saying no and eventually my dad had to step in and explain to her that i was not willing to allow her to do what she wanted. (Too long a story to go into what it is she wanted from me).

Anyway, 3 years on with no contact, i feel so much better. I don't feel constantly pulled in a direction i just don't want to go. And in all this time my mother hasn't contacted me once, so i have the proof, not that i needed it, that she doesn't give two hoots about me at all. She is a selfish, self centred, self pitying person. I cannot even call her a mother, she does not deserve the respect that that term usually commands.

i'm sorry oneplusone,its a sad situiation. but my Dh always says that if my mother wanted it to be different she woudl change the way she acts. so she obviously prefers it this way. i think she gets more out of being a martyr and telling everyone how awful i am

at least i assume that's what she's doing. i dont knwo for sure as she has banned everyone else in the family from having anything to do with us. we have only heard from two who have defied her

Katrina, it is sad. Your DH is right, if our mother's wanted to behave differently they would.

My mother loves her martyr status, she loves being a 'victim' and getting loads of attention and sympathy whilst I look like the 'baddie'.

The worst thing is that if you met her you'd think she was absolutely lovely, a kind, caring, loving, giving, strong, assertive, mother when nothing could be further from the truth. But she only shows her true colours behind closed doors, in the outside world she puts on a complete act. So nobody would believe me if i told them what she was really like.

I have seen the reactions of some family members who i have talked to; they were shocked at what i had to say about my mother, and whilst i know they believed me, i could tell they were having great difficulty in reconciling their perception of my mother with what i had told them.

that must make it harder. at least most family members have seen what a manipulatve witch my mother is. but she has such a hold on us all - with some its guilt and others its money.

she has told my siblings that if they dont contact me ever again they can have my share of the inheritance. that would be aftre they have sold their house and spent all their saving to pay for a nursing home of course

the best of it is that under the law here you can't actually disinherit one of your children so it wont make any difference LOL

Thanks for all the replies so sad to hear am not the only one what I don't get is now that I am a mother I would do anything for my DC and wonder how mothers can beahve like that towards their own children. Some of these stories are heart breaking.

My mother is like a lot on here, if you met her you would think she is a lovely woman very proud of her children, "oh SK went to university" "SK has 3 lovely children and copes really well" "SK has a big house with 3 bathrooms" WTF? all things she has said to other people. I used to come home to visit her every 6 months or so when I lived away and the first thing she would say was "oh you've put on weight, look at the size of your bum"

Last time I did speak to her she was going on about how she had got ahold of a picture of the 3 DDs from my brother and was taking it to be blown up larger so she could put it up on her wall and one for her purse, I had a photo for her but she said she wanted a big one and she wanted it today, apparently everyone she meets has seen this picture. That's it trophy grandchildren, she could show you a picture but not tell you which school DD1 was going to or when DD2 starts nursery or how many teeth DD3 has.

When I was pregnant with DD3 (stupidly of course) she didn't see us at all and told people it was because I didn't want her to see me in pain (I had bad SPD) so that's why she didn't visit. The day DD3 was born I phoned her and she couldn't be bothered to get out her bed to answer the phone (9.30am) instead a friend called her later on and congratulated her on being a Gran again, how bad is that?

Anyway in answer to some questions, DH only has his Mum alive, she is a lot better than my Mum but not very touchy feely type and definitely not hands out, she comes up and visits once a month and we see her about once a month but she wouldn't change a nappy or offer to babysit.

Yes I agree it's very hard when you hear what friends Mums do for them and their families when all yours has ever done is try and put you down.

Holyguacamole - your post made me cry it was lovely and so true, I have started to build a life just me, DP and the DDs and to be the mum to them that I never had. I have tried to confront her about it, had a right got at her, got all emotional and either she she doesn't care or is just too stupid to get it, either way her loss. I would hate one of my DDs to think of me the way I think of her.

I think it's made me not hard as such but I probably come across as a bit standoffish, I cannot accept help readily as I am so used to not having it IYSWIM.

You are also so right when you say if I did phone she would start the big "guilt" thing. She's always trying to make me feel sorry for her like she is the victim of everything, everytime I speak to her there's something wrong with her, she's so poor, either that or she's talking about someone else. I really don't miss her phonecalls at all but as you say I miss having a Mum around.

Aw, didn't mean to upset you

I guess I just like to highlight that no matter what, you can go on and make changes in your life that allow you to have your own happiness

Hope everything works out well for you and remember this is a great place to vent when you need it so don't be shy!!

Oh no it was cry in a good way, when you are surrounded by people whose Mums do loads for them, go on holiday with them, it often feels like you are the freak, in some ways it's comforting to know you are not alone.

You are right though, you just have to get on with your life the best you can with your own family, at the end of the day it's her loss I have 3 beautiful girls at fantastic ages and she is missing out. I am also a great believer in karma, their will come a day out mothers will need us when they are older and will we be breaking our necks to help them out?

Look I don't want to be unempathetic but didn't your mother care for and provide for you in childhood?
I don't know how old you are but I presume you are an adult~you are supposed to give something back,take care of her,love her anyway or tolerate her good humouredly at the very least.
She's older,not earning and has no transport;you are supposed to look after her now,she's done her bit.
Its called growing up.
Childhood seems to extend into middle age these days.
sorry but you shouldn't expect so much

morningsum many mothers do not care and nurture their children

they do the bare minimum

often more harm than good

SK not read thread yet but I ( as always) empathise with you on this one

I have not had contact with the toxic witch that called herself my mother - for many years and it has been greaat

holyguacamole

wow

fabulous post and very true. If people do take the time to find out why people cut off family members they have ime been shocked and stunned

we dont do it lightly sk

you dont want to be without a mother....but sometimes it is the only healthy way to move forward with life

Depends on your definition of care really, is care putting a child down all the time, never hugging them or praising them, favouring their sibling over them, threatening suicide a lot, then "attempting" it when they know it will be you that finds them and not your sibling, threatening to get your cat pur down 2 weeks before your final exams, making your life such a misery you had to leave home.

Would you tolerate someone who abuses you emotionally?

She is not earning as she is lazy and has never had a job in her lifem she does not get out of bed before 11am and that included when I was younger and at school, she doesn't cook dinners so it was chip shop or cook your own. As for transport can she not get on a train or a bus, no because it would mean getting up early.

I just expect to have a mother to care for me, I'm not asking for her to babysit every week or give me money or anything just care for me as I feel a mother should.

She favours boys so much, if my girls were boys she would probably see them more, she told me if my brother had been born first then she would have had no more children, that DH will leave me as I cannot give him a boy and all men want boys, that a woman is only a real woman if she can have a son and that even if DH was beating me up I should stay with him as he is a good Dad and gives me money. Oh and when I really needed someone when I was on my hands and knees crippled with agony and bleeding all over the place losing a baby she said it was for the best that I lost it.

Sorry you want me to care for someone like that..........

well abuse is one thing but complaining about not doing enough for dgcs and not going on holidays is just selfish

we all have our personalities,hers might not be great but thats no excuse for deserting her

Morning Sun - The OP stated that she has received counselling because of her childhood, therefore your comments are way off the mark.