Fat, single and lonely

[BornAgainVirgin]

Test - just want to make sure I have name changed properly. Dont want real life friends to read this.

I have been single for over five years. I have put on a bit of weight and gone from a size 14 to a size 20 (ok so it's more then a bit). I work long hours so have no social life really. I have not had anyone touch me (kiss let alone sex) in five years and im only 29. In my early 20's I was confident, skinny and literally had any guy I wanted (ok so I was a bit slutty too). I don't know what has happened. I have no self confidence. I dress like my mum now, I feel that any guy I approach will reject me and don't want to end up alone forever. I am intelligent, sporty, am not so fat that I cant fit through a door and friendly. I don't know how to get out of the rut. I am starting to get quite depressed about it now. I just don't know what to do about it.

Thank god your not ugly as well.......

Listen up lady.....all you need is a good kick up the ss and a hefty dose of self confidence

Ok you think your overweight size 20 to some is huge to others its ok - look at your diet can you control it yourself or do u wanna join a class? your dr can refer you to a diet club- start by making healthy choices drinking water and addressing the bad stuff.

You dress like your mum- is that bad? can you funk it up a bit ?

have you cash to buy a few bits to brighten you up?

find a celebrity whose style you like and get a similar casual outfit.

love yourself fake tan yourself,moisturise yourself look after yourself you dont need a bloke to be loved.

Get out and about smile at people chat to people trust me people dont look at you and think 'shes a size 20 i wont bother with her ...' people like to be with cheerful confident people.

Baby steps and soon you will be right back on top!!!

Exercise. Takes care of everything. You exercise, it release endorphins which elevate your mood. Your mood is elevated so you don't want to ruin it by overeating and it becomes a cycle. Exercise, exercise, exercise.

Get your favourite cd on your ipod and go for a walk for as long as it takes to play it. Build from there. I am telling you it is so easy to do and it really will pick you up.

I used to be the most miserable, depressed person you can imagine (still have my moments) but I started walking, then built up to running and it really sorted my head out.

Hello BAV, sorry to hear you're feeling this way, from what you say in your 'test' email, you mention you have friends - how often do you catch up with them? If it's been a while because of your long work hours, could you arrange a lunch on a day off to see them - you could get a new outfit - something you feel re-invigorated in and not at all like your mum would wear!

Small changes can make a big difference and help get confidence back.

My weight has gone up and down and up and down over the years so I hear where you're coming from - please don't be hard on yourself, you know that you're intellingent, sporty and friendly - there's loads out there that aren't so you've already got that advantage!

What sort of qualities do you look for in a partner?

Hi Nick & fleur - I do look after myself. I go to the gym, ride my bike, walk/run/swim so am fit (but fat). I don't look like a size 20 but feel it. I don't know how to get the confidence back. Once I am on a roll I am ok but am nervous. Does this sound silly? It doesn't in my head but seems it on paper (or screen as it may be). I am not unhappy with myself on any level apart from my looks. I tihnk that the lack of social life does not help either.
As for the ugliness - red hair and glasses..oh what a combination
And oh crap im late for the school run!

On top of from what nickschick and Fleur have said - get your confidence back by putting yourself in situations that push the boundaries that you have built up. Joining a class, going on nights out, meeting new people etc. And when I say meeting new people, I don't necessarily mean men (forget romance for the moment, get your self esteem back together first! plus the way you are feeling just now would attract possibly the wrong type of man), I mean women so that you can build some friendships and make your social circle bigger and have a laugh. Each time you do something like that, you will gain the confidence back naturally and will feel great doing things that you thought were beyond you. You need to start somewhere though, sitting in worrying about it will get you nowhere.

Size should have nothing to do with how other people relate to you and I say that because anyone who sees your size before they see you as a person, really isn't worth your time, so forget everyone else and think about you. The important thing is you being happy in your own skin. Get yourself out and about and enjoy the world or the park or whatever, especially as the weather is starting to get better, you've no excuse!

Weight is just a state of mind. Lots of men find curvier women uber sexy. You just need some more confidence in yourself - can you join some classes, what do you like doing - how about meeting new people without concentrating on the relationship thing and taking it from there?

red hair and curvy - this is you:

joan holloway

Is there a song or a type of music that makes you feel bubbly? Try psyching yourself up to being outgoing with music, walk somewhere with headphones on (as someone suggested) and then strike up a conversation when you get there in a good mood from the spring sunshine and whatever songs make you feel bright and cheeky. set yourself challenges!

Hi BAG I know exactly how you feel i know i have a partner and kids but thats it my life is/was them until my dr reffered me to a laughter class sounds silly i know but i had no confidence at all would sit in corner of pub and only talk to friend . i am a big girl fat above size 20 .

The laughter workshops r great fun and really help build my confidence also i have started walking every night with friends and every wed night i have started goin out with them to pub and talk to who ever is there its only a wee village pub they say that 2 min laughing is equal to 5 mins on a treadmill

i have always been told in order to be confident u must feel it and i didnt for ages years infact . but with help im getting there slowly

sorry that meant to be B.A.V sorry x

sheena - its ok I will answer to BAG too
I will try what you have all suggested. I mean it can't get any worse? Have no desire to go back on the ad's.

sorry to jump in here, but what about a new haircut...I find that a new hairstyle can boost your confidence and make you feel really attractive. Or a new outfit as someone else suggested! Good luck!