After knowing someone 20 yrs what should I do?

[bibblebobble]

I have known a friend for almost 20 yrs and I have felt a bit hurt lately that she has shown no interest at all in asking about my pregnancy.

I live a long way from her and she came to visit last November and it seemed to be fine - except I heard her complain to partner on telephone that we hadn't visited somewhere - 80m away and she had a long weekend there last year. I feel I badgered her a bit to come and since I have had one email when I gave her some advice about moving and thaht was it. I emailed her a couple of weeks ago and she has not responded. She never answers her landline at home and it is expensive to call her mobile and I feel she does it to decide whether she wants to speak to someone.

The friendship has never been close - she has had an affair with a married man for the last 12 yrs or so and spent many years covering it up even though it was quite common knowledge - if you asked her something innocent like "what are you doing this weekend?" she would say "what's it got to do with you?" I feel the affair has changed her and not for the better though when she came to see me we had a long chat about it and she seemed to indicate that she never really spoke to anyone else about it.

It is very hard to maintain long distance friendships and I don't want to lose this - should I send her a text message in a couple of weeks - I don't want to keep badgering her if she is not bothered.

I wouldn't bother, to be honest. I think you are perhaps being a little over-sensitive by being hurt that she hasn't asked you about the pregnancy. Before I got pregnant, I had no idea how difficult pregnancy could be. Now that I have experienced pregnancy, I am far more likely to ask after a pregnant friend with sincere sympathy!

I have lots of long distance friends and find that different methods of communication work best for different people. There are several that I type speak with everyday via facebook, but just brief comments as we go our day to day lives. Others I may not speak to for weeks, but have nice long cosy chats on the phone and leave it at that. There are one or two who I feel I am losing touch with, including one friendship of 20 years. I have decided not to pursue contact, because I believe that she is busy with other things and a true friendship will endure a break of some time.

I suspect her affair with a married man means that she finds it difficult to be friends with someone in a traditional relationship. Perhaps she feels guilt, shame or maybe jealousy? Does she want what you have?

May I add that at other times she says she is my best friend but I am not sure if that is said because I don't have many close friends (and she doesn't like my true best friend)

sorry - i sound like a teenager and I am nearly 40!

It seems like you've gone to more than enough effort to keep her in your life. Time to let her take some responsibility for your 'friendship', if she wants to that is. If not - it doesn't sound like you'll be losing an awful lot, as sad as that sounds after 20 years of knowing someone.

llareggub - sounds like good advice - I guess i just question myself so much - I sent her a chatty email saying what was going on (mentioned DD's birthday - maybe I was trying to hint that she had forgotten) and you never know with her whether you have got her back up - she can be quite volatile.

Yes she does want to be settled - she has this is (IMHO) fantasy that this man will leave his wife of 30 yrs and 3 children (this is his 2nd longstanding affair during the marriage) she is getting to the age where children need to happen quite soon and she does now want validity of a very longstanding relationship.

I don't see why you want to pursue this friendship unless it's to rub her nose in the fact that you have a husband and DC and she doesn't.
You don't sound like you actually like her, more that you disapprove of her and want to keep reminding her of the fact, so it's not very surprising that she isn't bothered about keeping in touch with you.

that is not fair and not true - i have responded to something someone asked me and yes she has said to me that she wants to settle down - and i feel she is going to be disappointed by this man and i wish things were different for her.

I have said she can be volatile which is true - I should also add that she has also shown great kindness towards me and is loving to my DD when she sees her.

I have never liked her thinking she was big and clever having an affair with this man - which is how she used to be when we were much younger.

Unless i write a novel it is hard to sum up a 20 yr friendship in 100 words so I am trying to pull out salient points

I dont see how her having an affair for that amount of time is massively anything to do with the friendship aside from the fact that a. You very obviously dont think much of it which may be what she is picking up on.
b. She changed as a result of it and it may be time for you to accept that like marriages, the dynamics of a friendship can change over the years and sometimes what made it good in the first place is lost.

I dont mean to be a bit harsh - you are pregnant - but to honest you dont come across as tho you like her behaviour much, although I dont agree that you are only friends with ehr to rub her nose in it. You cant force her to go back to the way things were so it may be best to leave things be. If she misses the friendship she will come back. If not then you havent lost anything.

I appreciate that it's hard to sum up 20 years in 100 words, but you do disapprove of her relationship, you obviously show it, and there was little in your OP to suggest that you liked or respected her, so it seems strange that you are so keen to hold on to the friendship when she appears to be keen to let it go.

What don't people get? How can you have a proper friendship with someone who hides a massive part of their life for so long??? I so respect her enormously for her work and her energy and her abilities.

But maybe you are right - she does want to let it go and I should do the same.