What is wrong with me? (long - sorry!)

[blondiep14]

Ever since DS was about 5 months old I have felt like killing my DP!!
Not all the time obviously but I seem to have this rage towards him that I can barely supress. I know I'm horrible to him and fly off the handle at him way too much but I can't seem to stop myself.
I thought it might get better with me being back at work PT but it's not, it's probably worse.
It's small things that get me but no matter how many times we talk, things don't change and I don't know what else to do.
He works really hard and I do appreciate that but I work hard too, and often I would prefer to see more of him than have less money (we don't have loads anyway!. I feel like we co-exist and I've turned into a nagging witch who's making him miserable, and me miserable.
How do I stop?
Sorry this is so long!

Have you seen your gp incase it's PND?

Maybe make an effort to spend quality time with your dp? Go for walks together if you have no money for nights out/ babysitter?

You say you want more time with him but he's not likely to want to do that if he only gets moaned at is he?

You're dead right, of course he won't but then I just get more hurt/resentful, it all seems a bit of a vicious circle at the minute. I need to break it.

oohh, I still get moments of this. But..at around 5 months and on was when I had PND and the seething resentment was a big part of it, counselling helped me to acknowledge it and also to explore some of the reasons around it - maybe you could look into that? Don't just try to pretend you don't feel it anyway. Can you talk about it with him in a non-threatening/non-angry way?

For me, some of the things that went into my rage were

• feeling like my expertise was undermined when he didn't ask for advice re: baby
• feeling like I'd given up an enormous amount whereas he'd only gained
• feeling like I was the one still taking on all the responsibility, risk, and being overwhelmed by it all.
• feeling angry that didn't think I could rely on him to do the things he said he'd do, which played into being overwhelmed.
• feeling annoyed & humiliated that he didn't seem to mind that our sex life was non-existent (he though he was being good and not pressuring, I felt he obviously didn't want to have sex with me seeing he wasn't complaining )

etc etc.

There was so much it was quite difficult to unravel it, which is how the counselling helped, I talk it through with someone else, do the crying and get some emotional release, and then repeat some of the conversation to DP. It was an easy way to start the conversation as well: "We talked about this at the counselling appt today, it was interesting, I've been feeling like this toward you ..." with the heat taken out and a 'isn't this interesting (that I've been wanting to thump my fists against your chest and scream') ...' tone of voice.

Do you think that might help you?

That does sound awfully familiar LadyBee. I guess I have been hoping that it would go away and I would feel better and also that it was definitely not PND as I am SO happy being a mummy. Hmm. Food for thought.
Should I maybe then go to the Doctors and talk to him/her?

Yeah, I was really happy being a mum (still am, shouldn't put that in past tense ), I guess PND was the diagnosis put on me, it got me a referral to counsellor and that's what was important though.
Anger is often a part of depression, I've found out, but really it doesn't need to be medical problem, it could just be that you need to think/talk through some of bigger emotions that you're feeling with someone - whether that's your DP first up, or with someone else first and THEN your DP.

There's absolutely no harm in talking to GP, it's such a common problem and really better to have an initial assessment and take it from there.