Right, first time post so here we go - I have no idea what to do next so I would love some help. Bit long!
About 7 months ago I found out my dp of 10 years had been having an emotional affair with his PA from the job he'd just left to set up his own business (what a cliche, I know). He explained it as having always thought she was kind and attractive, she'd dropped a hint about him by touching his leg at a party 6 months before, then he had a bit of a crisis over leaving, keeping in touch with her too much after and then it kicked off. They met once and had sex in her long lunch-hour, but the guilt was too much and when he came home he announced he wanted to leave me (in hindsight he said he didn't know what he wanted to do - he just wanted to run away as what he'd done hit home). I needed our solicitor's number and found her texts in his phone when I was looking for it. Cue five weeks of him living at his friend's house saying he thought he was in love with her but missed me but us periodically having very good sex including a week after when we just sat up all night and talked about our shared memories / lovely family in between (I know, it's very odd...).
When it came out it all made sense as in the weeks before he'd been distant and cruel and avoided me physically. Then he admitted she'd contacted him, they emailed for about 10 days and then it finally finished when I put pressure on him to choose as it was damaging our dcs as I was so upset and her dd was also really suffering according to her H (wetting the bed etc - she's 9) because of the atmosphere at their home - I had left her a polite message telling her to never call my house as I knew about their relationship in pretty much those words when I discovered it, but her H picked it up.
So, we talked about it a bit, but mostly only what I had found via text and email. He was very cagey about who had started it - I found her first message to him but he kept saying 'don't blame her it was both of us'. Anyway, one day 2 months after her H called to check it was over still as she was behaving weirdly, we spoke and he said my H had told her he found her attractive on his last day when he took her for a thankyou lunch. I had also been curious about how they ended up at her home during her lunch hour to have sex. Her H sent me copies of their mails to each other from when she resumed contact that confirmed (in a conversation between them) it was unplanned, they'd waked past and she said she had to drop in for something and that was it, though she did say that by meeting for lunch them ending up in bed had been pretty inevitable. Also, though he had started out just clearing up business and some other stuff (and ignoring the love declarations she was sending), after 10 days he crumbled and told her he had loved her and still did - I was sent this after we reconciled so it was another massive shock as he'd denied saying it then.
Anyway, fast forward to the problem now. I can't seem to let it go. He has been very hard to speak to about it, it is like getting blood from a stone, yet I know I have to have all the details to make sense of it - such as did he feel guilty during it, why didn't he make a move last Christmas (this would help me as I keep viewing all the time they worked together as him being secretly obsessed with her), how did he justify telling her he liked her at first and so forth. I forgot - he also said they had kissed before he went into her house, but it took till a month ago to get that out of him, before he said the whole thing was 'spur of the moment' even though they'd spent the previous hour discussing how they were soul mates.
All I want is for him to let me get reassurance on a few things i don't understand, especially as he hid a lot of detail at first but he says he's been over it all before and won't speak about it again. Other than that he has been great - lots of presents, hugs, he says he's sorry every few weeks and that he loves me. But... we went for a weekend away last week and had a massive row the first night which ruined the evening (our anniversary). The setting was great, he said I looked lovely and apologised for all the mess, but then said something else about it that caused me to feel I could ask one of the nagging questions I have, and that was it - row, tears etc.
So the next night he suddenly demanded halfway through dinner that I make 'interesting conversation'. When I froze he told me it was because I wasn't an interesting person. Then he threw his knife on the floor and demanded I pick it up. Since we came back things have been horrible and he won't look at me, especially since he found out I'm reading 'not just friends' - the Shirley Glass book. I have to because I really want to save our family, but he said 'as long as it's for you to do something and I don't have to do anything.' I think he feels he's tried and tried and is getting nowhere so this was some sort of breakdown. On the other hand, I think he should be totally open so I can trust him or it's pointless.
Reading this through I can see we both have issues and I don't know what to do next. Neither of us want to do Relate by the way, it's just not 'us'. Really, really need help (if he ever decides to talk again, though), when it gets to a crisis like this I know I want to make it work but I keep pushing him away...