Long rant before I explode

[Quantumofsleeplessness]

I have to go out for most of the day so I'm not ignoring responses, I just wanted to get this all out before I explode into a big snotty mess - actually I've already done that this morning, but hey ho.

Background, last year DH and lost our business and had to move in with PILs, LO is 7 months old.

DH now working but in a job he doesn't really enjoy, I am SAHM.

I dont know how to communicate with DH. Whatever I try doesn't seem to work. When we do argue/discuss things I try do all the correct things - not get personal, not bring up past dissatisfactions, try to stay calm etc etc as two angy people isn't going to get us anywhere. Dh has not read same relationship bumf so just lets rip.

At the moment the LO is not sleeping well. She takes up to 2 hours to soothe to sleep, despite falling asleep in our arms she wakes on contact with the mattress and after the second or third attempt will be too wakeful to go back to sleep without endless nursing.
Same goes for the night wakings - although she only wakes twice in the night if we don't get the put down just right she will stay awake for an hour or two.

After a long discussiong and some ultimatums from me DH has started to accept that he needs to help in the night. However last night was awful for me.

LO woke at half past midnight, I fed her and on the first put down she woke up. I then lay down with her on the sofa in her room to try to nurse her back to sleep - this often works. She just wriggled and kicked and wriggled. I then put her in her cot with me lying down next to the cot. She just grumbled and cried - it had been an hour and a half by now.
DH stuck his head round the door "what are you doing" "trying to get the baby to sleep" "well its not working"
AFter that I took the baby into our bed as this is the only way she or I can get sleep. But she kept kicking and took to biting my breast. I finally lost patience and went downstairs.
DH then managed to settle her to sleep in abotu 15 minutes - which I greatly appreciate.

At the 4.30 wake up I stumbled into LO and brought her into our bed.

This morning DH is all "what happened last night? why can't you put the baby to sleep properly etc etc"
I don't feel that he is interested in why - ie I am exhausted and frustrated and fed up. Not only is the baby hard to settle but I hear DH's rebukes in my head if I don't manage it. Plus being kicked, punched, pinched and bitten by LO - which I know isn't on purpose she is just being a wriggly baby.

I told DH that criticism wasn't helpful, got a terse reply and so I told him that I didn't feel he was really interested in why I was upset blah blah blah. He went off to work.

Dh has in the past said he doesn't know what to do or say when I am upset. I have told him I just need a cuddle and some comfort.
I know our sitiuation is stressful for him, but he has always been a bit like this - ie not able to just give me a hug if things are bad.

He is also suspicious of women who cry, he thinks it is manipulative and it makes him feel bad. I have told him that sometimes people cry because they are fed up, sad or tired. He is getting better at appreciating this but it does affect how I feel about myself when I am upset (if that makes sense)

Soooooo that's it really, DH can be insensitive, I am oversensitive at the mo through tiredness.

Do I just grin and bear it? There is so much in our marriage that is worthwhile and we are moving into our own apartment soon so lots to look forward to. In general in the daytime I am happy with the LO and she is a happy little thing, so I am doing something right.

It is just the nights and the ensuing discussions that are taking their toll. It just feels like a battleground.

So thanks for letting me ramble on. Hope you have a nice day.

is it the same argument that you have most times? i can see how it could get out of hand like this, i always have the same stupid rows with dh when we are both tired from the baby keeping us awake!

if it were me i'd explain to him that you are doing your best but as baby's mum and being the one with the milk that baby can smell/sense it takes longer to settle her at night. its a well known thing and is probably why it takes up to 2 hours for her to settle when with you.
tell him that if you feed the baby and then dh settles her and it only takes him 15 mins then that makes baby happier as getting more sleep, it makes you happier as getting more sleep and it will make him happier as no more arguments!
perhaps agree that on certain nights you will settle baby and on other nights he will help you, so that you all get to have some sleep and he is not too tired for work but it could be a good compromise?

Oh god! how awful. We've had rows like this too.

I read (on here!) that putting a hot-water bottle in the cot during a feed then removing it before LO goes back in is a good way to settle them - then the cold mattress isn't such a shock. Try that tonight.

You and DH must both be feeling like shit right now.

Thanks.

IheartNY - he acknowledges that he can often settle her more quickly, but then forgets why and thinks I should be able to settle her quickly too.

I could cope with the sleepless nights if he showed a bit more concern for me. When you are sat on the bed crying and leave in the middle of a feed saying "I've had enough" you would think he would understand that all is not right.

The thing is I feel as if he is a bit take it or leave it with the baby. We will have a disucssion about some aspect of parenting or other, agree a plan of action on the understanding of why it is beneficial to all invovled and he will be great the first few days or even a week but after that he kind of loses motivation and leaves it all to me.

I really am having a good moan today.

And I can't seem to communicate effectively with him about how I am feeling. How can you tell someone that you are feeling so low that your thoughts are thoroughly dark and include self-harming (not that I would, I know that there is no solution there) Or that you are so frustrated that you want to run screaming from your child.

How can he understand that when he can't even give me a hug when I am sat crying in bed?

I don't mean to sell him short as he can be a complete doll, but it really got to me last night and this morning.

And don't get me started on the "you can't be tired, what do you do all day", or the "well it isn't really work for you because you are a mother"

Daft so and so.

Right thanks for letting me rant. I am instigating early bed-time tonight, another area of disagreement, despite it working every time and him admitting as much every time. Sigh.

I really do try to be optimistic, but as you can see I don't always succeed.

Don't get ME started on "you can't be tired, what do you do all day", or the "well it isn't really work for you because you are a mother"

Tell your DH that he should travel back to the 1950s where that line might actually be comprehended with any seriousness. (sorry for being facetious but I almost leaped though the computer screen when I read that). I work full-time at a very intensive job. Last year, I was on maternity leave with my daughter. For me, maternity leave was much harder. I love my daughter beyond words but it was a huge culture shock for me to have to throw my own needs out the window and to be at constant beck and call to someone else (as lovely as she is). Also, the lack of sleep made me question my own sanity for a long time.

At the very least, your husband should not say those things to you, or even think in those terms. It is a huge misconception that the person who stays at home "has it easy" or even that the person who "gets to go to work" "has it easy". Do you think that perhaps the two of you are being in someway competitive about who is doing more in the relationship? You might need to both examine areas where you can be a little more generous to each other on that front (I'm trying to be inclusive hear but I really mean your DH )

The truth is, my DH and I each have thoughts of "I'm always the one who does xxxx" but the truth is, we are both doing things equally. Some things I do more of, but there are some things my DH does more of. The point is, you are both on the same team, in theory. Maybe you could have a chat about expectations and plans for the future. It sounds as though you are both under stress with the baby and the job situation and it is very common for couples to take that stress out on each other.

Your DH sounds like a typical bloke to me, probably 'cos I've got one like that at home!

Have you thought of trying the Health Visitor about LO's sleeping? I gather some HVs are not up to much, but mine was (and still is!) an absolute gem.

LOL greyclay - I do actually call him 1950s man at times.

Cheapskate, we don't live in the UK and so no chance of a HV.

This evening we did manage to talk about the sleeping thing - and we seem to be back on track.

I know there are still other things to deal with - his grumpiness and my own worries, but all is not lost yet.

I read somewhere that ignore the bad and praise the good works with husbands as well as children so I am might give that a try.

feel for you quantum, I've had those nights of despair. Second child doesn't sleep as well as our first did and once up would stay that way for up to two hours at that age as well as being difficult to settle. Have to say she grew out of it and now sleeps through. Is bottle fed though so may make a difference. However I know some mums who have bf babes who they have got off waking for milk in the night around 8/9 months.

I think the sleepness nights have a lot to contribute to what is happening. As a working mum I feel the no sleep- wont be able to survive at work cycle and when I was on maternity leave I often felt guilty that baby was disturbing dh when she wouldn't settle then I'd be grumy and he wouldn't be able to do anything right.

Even though you know dh has to go to work sometimes you just need that support. Seems to take a while to sink into their heads that if they help you out wife becomes nicer person to live with. So make a point of telling him you appreciated it when he helped in the night, bathed lo or whatever.
He might just do it more often. He probably feels a bit useless given everything that's happened. I have a dh who goes through this for various reasons and I now ignore it in the kindest possible, supportive sort of way. There's nothing you can do to fix it other than be there for him and makes sure he knows you need him too. It might be bad for a while but I'm sure it will get better. Habing your own place has got to help.

Listen.
You need to do as my GP ordered me and DH to do. Basically this is what he was saying:

The reason why you cant get the baby back to sleep is because he can smell milk, and it is diverting his attention from sleeping till feeding, even if he really doesnt want any feed. Feed the child, then let your DH put him to sleep. Every night. Soon the baby will start feeding less in the night, and get more sleep, and you will have restored your sanity as sleep deprivation is not doing anybody any good.

He gave me this advice when dh and I both went to the gp because I was totally frayed in my nerves, and really needed a good nights sleep.

Our son was 1 at the time, so he told me to wean him off the night time feeds. Within 1 week of my dh putting him to sleep, we had bliss.

So, next time your dh asks why YOU cant put him properly to sleep, tell him it is because the smells the milk from your breasts, and that is why it should be HIS responsibility to get the baby back to sleep after night time feeds. You need to get him onboard on this.

No reason why you shall struggle for hours, if he can do it in minutes.