Controling ex wife...

[Shalotta]

I don't know if anyone was/is in a similar situation... I am in a very happy relationship but have to deal with the controling ex-wife of my partner, who rejoyces in making my life miserable... she is controlling and manipulative, and since she has a little boy with my partner we cannot just tell her to bugger off ( oh, how I wish!)... since I met her she is constantly crossing our boundaries (bombarding my partner with phone calls, contstant attention seeking using the child as a pretext, etc.) and we have to keep her in check all the time yet trying to remain calm and diplomatic... she also tries to make me jealous and angry with provocative behaviour.

I hate the guts of this woman and the way she tries to get advantage through her child... besides she has tried a couple of times behind my back to get my partner back, as for some reason she thinks he belongs to her, although their relationship is over since a long time... (and nothing to do with me). Needless to say that she has recently started to manipulate the little one against me, who really likes me but is now very confused if he is "allowed" to be friends with me or if he should stay loyal to his mother. I cannot understand how people like her are allowed to have children and it outrages me...

How can I get my peace and hapiness back?? ;(

Shalotta I am going through exactly the same thing - my dss is the one manipulating the situation though as he misses his mum and dad being together. I just try to keep in my head that it isnt about me. It is hard but there is nothing we can do-keep the boundaries up and be there for him and jus try and not let it get to you. Easier said then done I know.

I do think they will tell their mums what they want to hear. So if the mum hates us they will want to tell her that they do too in some way. Of course the mum then takes great delight in relaying that back.

And yes, it is a kick in the teeth and you wonder what the hell is going on when, as far as you were concerned, everything with the child was ok.

What I used to do was remind myself that of course she wants her mum's approval, of course she wants her mum to feel better - all children feel like that.

And I used to remind myself of all the times when I knew dsd loved me and showed it. The teddy she bought me, the rose she made me, etc etc. And the times when other people remarked on how good our relationship was, including the people we met on holidays who were surprised that she wasn't my daughter because of how she was with me. If I was getting it so wrong none of those things would have happened.

And Marie, no you aren't my dsd's mum and I'm not your x's girlfriend. But you're right, I know that dsd's mum really struggled with all sorts of emotions for all sorts of reasons, and I was always the first to acknowledge that she was finding the whole situation really difficult hence her behaviour. And fair play to her, since she has started talking to me she has told me that it was never about me, it was all her stuff.

What website is this step parenting forum on? Maybe I should just google.

I agree with Surfermum - if a child is intuitive and until the age 6 most of them are, and my dss really has a 6th sense - they pick up what the people in their close environment feel and even think. He even surprises me sometimes with statements that could have come out of my own mouth, something like "oh, I like beautiful things" (I like art) or the other day "such and such" is my favourite at school (the son of a mother I really like)... so I know for a fact that he tells his mother what she wants to hear... and - oh yes - did she delight in hearing it! What I took really badly is that -after all the efforts of getting on together - she did not have the slightest reflex to tell her child that there was absolutely no reason for him to hate his stepmom, as his stepmom was a nice person... (yep, I am and she knows that). This is what I would have done at her place. Instead she just enforced everything by making a drama out of it.

Totally agree with stepparenting being a lot harder than parenting in the sense you can mistreat your own children, they will always "love" you, as they have to -nature forces them to. I really wish all of these "troubled" ex-wifes to become stepmothers themselves (not for the poor prospective stepkids, but...) In my case I am pretty sure she would not be up to it in the slightest!!

BTW, would be easier for all of us if the X could admit she "struggles with all sorts of emotions for all sorts of reasons"... that would make me less angry and more understanding. Alas, she is one of the "super moms" who master everything, know everything... claim her rights, etc... it's a facade, yes, we all -except her- know...but still

go out of 'relationships' (which is in 'body and soul'), back to topics. select the drop down menu in 'being a parent' and you'll find 'step-parenting' in there

i totally understand u are oviously a really nice person i dont know what advice to give u, i sure u will find answers what to do on here. u being so nice must be hard on the ex me on the other hand my exs gf is a bitch and spread nasty vicous lies about me. all the best hun xx

I think you need to look inwards for the answers.

Obviously you can't tell her to get lost!! She is your partner's child's mother, and she was in his life first.

You have to find an outlet for your anger and hatred. Jogging helped me stay sane when my x was trying to make me go crazy.

sufersmum i would like to make it clear i didnot do or say anything about my exs gf or spread vicous nasty lies it was her doin that to me yes i do hate her but i NEVER done that.

shalotta seriously hit the stepmums bit - I have my own thread on there at the mo and you will find a lot of help for your issues. It sounds like you really like you dss which is lovely but you will never change his mum and he will continue to do what he is - I think you could really do with some support from people who understand so head over and take a look through the threads over. You are not the only one believe me and I think it might help.

"She is your partner's child's mother, and she was in his life first."

I honestly don't mean to be antagonistic when i ask the following question...I just find all the 1st wives are evil...all 2nd wives are evil stuff on MN a bit odd ...

i really don't get what "she was in his life first" has to do with anything?

In fact, more strongly than that, if that comment is to do with 'rights' in some way over the DP, surely it is the person someone CHOOSES to be with that has those rights, rather than someone they CHOOSE NOT to be with?

And before anyone goes off on one at me, I'm a first wife and a second wife. And I don't feel that i have any claim at all over my ExH...he has a DP who holds that position.
Likewise my DH is MY DH. His ExW might like to think that she has some sort of hold over him - which she does in the form of my DSCS - but if they hadn't had children they would no longer even have contact with each other, like the majority of ex couples, including myself and ExH. On that basis I still don't see what who was where first has to do with the price of eggs??

I realise that this doesn't have much to do with this thread - which I hope the OP will start in step-parenting because she ought to get some good feedback from others in the same position - but this comes up so much and I just don't get this stance. I'm happy to be enlightened though

Fourkids, I totally agree... what does it mean "she was there first"??? NOTHING. In my case he had a fling with her and - oh, what a bad surprise - she fell pregnant within a few months, before he even had a chance to really know her. Not blaming her for falling pregnant, but I'm just saying... without the kid she would have never survived the first year mark of the relationship with him... and without boasting I might say that my dp and I have a REAL and DEEP relationship and that I most likely am the woman of his life (and he the man of mine).

Sob/c she was there before me, does that mean she has rights, privileges, had a better relationship, I have to put up with her irrational behaviour??? N O, absolutely not. Besides, dp was married before her with wife number 1 (when he was very young)... and he is still good friend with this woman and I get on with her very well. And why? Because she is respectful and considerate - and she just moved on with her life. She realised that him and her were not ment to be and that he might find his soulmate somewhere else. So what on earth has this to do with time and who came first....

OK, Ladies, thank you all, I will now switch to step parents. xx

"i really don't get what "she was in his life first" has to do with anything?"

because 2nd wives know that their new partner already has a child. The amount of posts I read on here slagging off and trashing and bitching the 1st wife/mother of partner's children beggars belief.

A lot of nasty 2nd wives out there. NOT ALL. I am referring to the ones who see things entirely from their own perspective, work themselves up in to a frenzy of righteous indignation, show no compassion for the 1st wife, and rant and rave about it all on a public board.. That is atrocious behaviour imo.

ItsMargotBeauregarde, it sounds you are a first wife? Don't get me wrong, I have no intention to slag off a first wife just for the fact that she has been a first wife... it's not about that. There are without doubt hundred thousands of wonderful first wifes out there in the world... and surely there is an infinite number of second or third wifes out there who are total bitches, jealous about wife number one or two, unease about the children that come from a previous marriage, etc... it is not about a number and a timing, it is about CHARACTER.

Yes, second wifes know that there has been a wife before, but what they most of the time do not know when they fall in love with someone - and this was my case - is that this woman might or might not make their lifes hell. It is not the second wife's fault that the relationship with wife number one did not work out. So you fall in love with someone (who is free), you have a really deep and loving connection with this person but... there is his ex-wife who really makes you feel miserable. What do you do? Leave your partner b/c of his past?? This would be absurd.

If your reasoning were correct - "you knew that your partner had a wife before so put up with her (hassle)", then all second or third wifes could reason back like this to the previous wife " You knew that - if you end this relationship with your partner- one day he will have another woman in his life, so let this woman be in peace".

No Shalotta, you're wrong, I'm the objective one here.

My x hasn't found anybody new, I wish he would. It might make him less bitter. He's another one who blames everybody around him. Everything is all, always, everybody else's fault. everything is seen entirely from his own perspective. I recognise that same trait in a lot (not all) of second wives.

I just find it astonishing that so many women honestly expect another woman to disappear for their convenience.

I don't think anyone (well most people anyway!) want the 1st wife to disappear...but many second wives (and often their DH) would prefer it if the 1st wife could figure out that they are the DC's parent, and only the DC's parent...nothing whatsoever to do with the DH any more. That their role as mother is valued, but that they have no other place in the relationship.

Some first wives do realise this and behave accordingly, and often then all in the extended family get along very well and very positively.

Someone (I wish I could remember who) once said on MN something along the lines of "how come so many ex wives still expect the ExH to mend the washer/offer a shoulder to cry on/change the light bulbs/drop everything to hang a shelf, yet you never hear of ExHs ringing to ask if the ex wouldn't mond ironing him a shirt or two or whipping up a quick curry for his tea? That men seems to know that an ex is exactly what is says on the tin, where many women don't!"

Can I put the other side to this. I have my shortly to be ex's GF who was having an affair with my H before I threw him out constantly buying presents and trying to cosy up to my kids to get them to like her. I havent told the kids how I feel about her - I have told her to back off them whilst she is living with her H, to no avail but I am sorely tempted to tell the kids that it is ok for them to like her but that I dont. I just dont know what is the best thing to do? Apparently, they both think I am the nasty one because I told her how much hurt she had caused and what I thought of her

fourkids - thanks for pointing this out! You speak to my heart.

elastamum -

I can understand how painful it is for a real parent if his/her kids are exposed to the latest toyboy/-girl of the ex... you just want to keep your children away from that but alas you can't.

The good news is - new GFs who were closely involved in the breakup of a relationship rarely hang around for too long...these relationships are usually rather shortlived as they serve a "purpose" (to break up a previous rlshp). Just sit back and enjoy the day you'll get the news she's gone...

I also think the children "sense" if the new relationship of a parent is something serious or just a temporary arrangement. In latter case they won't bond anyway with the new GF/BF.

I think what second wives never have to face though, is sending their precious, beloved children off to the home of a man they don't get on with/or worse who betrayed them/possibly for the new wife

I am not in this position, as my x hasn't met anybody new. I wouldn't care if he did, but I wouldn't feel comfortable letting my children go off to stay with people whom I disliked intensely. THis is quite human.

Second wives don't have to face that. Their children live with them and don't have to go and visit people they don't like.

So it's not an equal playing field, in terms of how hard it is for the mother who has to let go of her children and let them spend time with people she's not on good terms with.

It would be very hard.

I do sort of agree with the above...except the majority of second wives I know are also first wives!

As far as I am concerned I am a first wife and a second wife and because I don't feel that I have any hold over my ExH and I don't want him back, expect him to support me financially (the children yes), expect him to fix things when my DH is not here, make his life difficult, have issues with his second wife blah blah we all have a good working relationship.

DH's first wife however suffers from all the above issues (the wanting him back one only arose after he met me, which was several years after they split up, when she left for another man who she is still with) and if we allowed it to happen it could cause massive problems within our marriage. It is the single biggest challenge we have faced and continue to face. this may seem unlikely to those who haven't been in similar situations - it's easy to say "ignore it" or "just be happy and secure in his love" etc, but it isn't always that simple for many many reasons. it's horrible when someone who you have to have on the outskirts of your life forever is deliberately undermining your relationship, disrespecting, you treating the person you love like sh*t, forcing the her DCs to play piggy in the middle and playing with their emotions. It isn't as easy to shrug off as people who haven't experienced it would think...you know, if it were one of his work colleagues or a friend you'd be able to intervene if necessary, but in these instances you are forced to live with it when you never would if things were different.

Importantly, I don't generalize about first or second wives, but I do recognise that there can be tensions both ways. and I think it can be hard to get the necessary support, which is where places like MN and people with similar experiences can be a godsend if you start to feel like you are going mad or simply don't know which way to turn!

I should add in DH's ExW's defence that she never slags me off to DSCs and I would never dream of doing so either. So DSCs (and DCs)genuinely have no knowledge of what goes on. but she does say things like "it makes me sad that dad is married to fourkids" and " i wish dad was taking me to that dance rather than fourkids" etc which ought to cause terrible mixed loyalties, but so far doesn't seem to. luckily.

DH deals with all the bad stuff, and I advise when things need sorting! on the surface we get on fine. But this has made me quite ill in the past so I have sympathy with those who have to deal with manipulative exes!

In my case I feel such a strong bond with my DSS that I found it very difficult to let him stay with his mother's new BF... in my eyes this guy was a no good and luckily he is no longer.

I felt very strongly about it, I guess it is a kind of maternal instinct you develop no matter if you are the biologial or the step-mum (not all SM do, I know, but so don't all bio moms). What I have to tell myself in such a situation is to stay calm, as in the end it is not MY child and it is none of my business what the bio mother does. Funnily enough my DP was a lot more relaxed ("what do I care about this new bugger in my ex's life"...)

For a real mother it must be even more upsetting, but at the end of the day you have to see your ex partner and your children as individuals who are free to like who they want. Which is ok as long as there isn't any form of negligence or abuse involved.

fourkids - your case is very similar to mine. The ex was fine calling it quits, had several other rlshps in the meantime, my dp spent most of his time working and raising his kid, several years later I appear on the scene and what happens? She sees me and she thinks it is time for her and DP to get together again! She was actually suggesting this to him texto and he said no... but his no was not enough to her.... as she didn't take no for an answer (believe it).

As an intelligent person I can see that this woman never mourned her "failed" marriage to my DP and all the sh** came up when she saw me and she instantly realised that this was the end of her lingering - admitted or not admitted - fantasies of reunion. Nevertheless to me, who came "innocently" into this situation, it feels like being attacked without reason - as let's face it there is A LOT of agressivity involved in all that from the other side - and this needless agressivity - direct or indirect - can drive you insane or ill. If one is agressed one should have the right to counter-attack, but in such cases where a child is involved, you can't (if you are a responsible person).

So there is someone who has it constantly in for you and you cannot directly challenge this person for it. I meditate a lot, but all the meditation in the world cannot help me feeling sick sometimes. Not to mention that there were many moments I thought I would rather run off and leave the man I love behind b/c I couldn't stand it any longer. Luckily I am a very stubborn person and I would never allow this other person to defeat me. So at the moment I hang on waiting until she has realised that it is of no avail for her to cause further frictions. Surely one day even she will realise that her energies are better invested somewhere else.

that's really difficult, but tbh I think your DP had exactly the right idea there, and your final paragraph says it all. No-one really has the right to interfere with their Ex's parenting unless they have VERY good reason. Although I do sometimes say (beg) " please please can you wash them when you have them for several days?" but beyond that no-one has the right to stick their oar in i don't think...it strikes me that, funnily enough, parents who are together often struggle with that concept, and it's actually easier when you are apart and HAVE to accept you have little control over what goes on at the other parent's house!

these threads have rather lost the point of your original question Shalotta "How can I get my peace and hapiness back??" haven't they? I think the answer is probably to stick at it, do what you are doing, be comforted in the knowledge that so many others have similar problems because your issues are not unusual, and things will probably get better. Also, try not to hate her because she is your DSS's mother and it will be healthier for you (all of you?) if you can put that behind you and learn to tolerate her - accepting that the hatred might still pop up on occasion! Hatred is destructive and will affect your relationship with DP which might play right into her arms? (is that the right expression? It's been a long day!)

good luck

lots of people pop back here to blow off steam when they can't do it in rl...if you need to do that, you'll find people who remember you and your situation and pick up the thread of your problems quickly, offering support and help