Help me get perspective with my SIL before I say something I'll regret

[elfsmum]

Background:

DH has no dad, and his mum died when he was 16, and he has a sister 10 years older. We were always close with her and her DH and I couldn't have wished for better IL's

my mum and dad are both dead too.

SIL's DH left her for another woman 3 years ago, she was devastated. We were there for her just as we should have been. After 18 months she picked herself up and is doing well.

Over the last 18 months as things have gotten better for SIL, new man, friends, single life, contact has dwindled between us to when SIL gets in touch and wants DH to do jobs around her house, other than that we don't hear from her. We call to her house but more often than not she's out so we see her son and daughter.

SIL would babysit on the odd occassion for us, once every couple of months. But mainly it's my niece who babysits. we don't have any grandparents, extended family or friends we can call on, so we do appreciate any help we get. We both work full time, so a once a month date night is important to us.

Since her DH left she has refused to babysit, but expects DH to drop everything and call when she wants something doing.

This makes me grumble a bit, but she is his sister, so although I think it's a one way relationship and it's him doing all the giving and her doing all the taking, I haven't said anything until the other day to DH.

It was my youngest sons birthday last week, when we said x will be coming and x, and x he asked and what about Aunty (SIL) we said oh we don't know.

DH rang SIL and left a message on the answerphone to remind her, we didn't hear anything. On the day of his birthday he asked again so we said she was working.

DH finally got in touch with her last night and she was upset he didn't remind her, said she didn't get the answerphone message.

My DS is 7, her DC's are 17 and 24 and we never forget their birthdays.

Now I know I'm angry because DS was hurt (he was upset she didn't come) and I need some perspective.

I understand she's busy, I understand she's living a single life now, but I feel like saying:

stop using my DH as your free handy person, or if you do - be fair - give us some of that time back together by babysitting for us once in a while

you're a grown woman - remember birthdays FGS and don't disappoint a 7 year old !!

I would suggest that your DH cuts back on some of the time he gives her. It's understandable that with a new life she is busy, but you are running the risk of the relationship being all one-sided.

It sounds like she has become a bit thoughtless and needs to learn to stop taking you all for granted.

If your DH cools off a bit, and she genuinely wants more contact, for more than just handy favours, she will come back and give you her time.

I too come from a family where there isnt many of us left ....I think as fmilies alter with time so do relationships and this is a point where you have to step back and move forward without her -thats not to say you avoid her but you must plan your life without her.

I wouldnt go for saying anything to her she wont thank you and it will possibly cause a rift.

If you are close to her wait until you are together and tell her that you miss not seeing her so often that you dh and the children love her
Tell her that forgetting your ds's bd was really hurtful because you all care for her so much and are a small family.

That's what I'd do...sorry for your ds