Feel relationships I have are superficial - how to change them or adapt my thinking (long).

[bibblebobble]

I moved to a new place just under a year ago and I am struggling with the superficiality of the relationships I have both here and generally. Since I met my DH we have moved 5 times in the last 10 yrs or so. Before that I lived for 13 yrs in the same place having left home. Some of the issue cannot be the moving as I have never had lots of close friends in any of those places - however there was work and the camraderie of being with the same people every day and I have made friends with some people from my various places of work and still keep in touch with them.

Because of all of the moving (due to our work) I don't have a group of friends in one place so rely on email/telephone to keep in touch with people. We are currently in europe and hence people don't really phone us (or manage bday or xmas cards too much). So I feel that not only are my relationships here quite superificial (mums coffee mornings and meeting mums at playgroups) but I don't have a good support back in the UK - inevitably people have their own lives to get on with and if you email every few months and rarely see people then you can't expect to be uppermost in their mind.

None of this is helped by me no longer having any contact with my family so only have DH's family to have that stability with and that like most families is a bit mixed.

I have a 1yr old and have another on the way so time for socialising and getting out is limited anyway and I find myself with a lot of mental dead time - not enough to occupy me intellectually and no meaningful relationships around me. I hope for the people around me to be bothered about me and that is silly as they are only acquaintances and you cannot build up an instant rapport with people.

How do I become more resilent in myself and stop feeling this need for other people to make me feel better and accept that lots of relationships we have with people are time limited and that's ok?

Part of this seems to be about relationships with people but part of it seems to be sheer boredom! What do you do for mental stimulation? Do you work? Is it challenging/interesting? If not, have you considered some kind of studying to set you some challenges? If it is possible to take a course at a local college or university, that would help with meeting people as well, people who, with similar interests to you, might give you more common ground for conversation than the usual coffee mornings/school runs.

Otherwise something along the lines of Open University would at least give you something to stimulate you mentally. I teach part time and am also an examiner so even during the dreary commuting/washing up/ironing/cleaning, I have something to think about and plan in my head. As a result, although I love my friends, I find that I don't need them to make me feel better in the way you describe.

bibblebobble It's hard when your DCs are small, because inevitably the conversations you have with people are a bit snatched, and all about the DCs. I found my friendships have deepened with time.

Don't assume that other people aren't feeing like you. When my friends and I talk about this time of our lives, lots of us admitted to feeling a bit lost. If you find someone to talk to at a baby group (do you go to any activities with your baby?), make the next move and invite them out for a cup of coffee afterwards, or at your house. Do you find it harder being in a group? Then try and get someone you like on their own!

I agree with slayerette that you may be bored, but also your DC is very young, you are pregnant and therefore probably very tired.

Sorry, meant to say, don't be too critical of yourself. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate.

If you are really feeing down, do you think you might go and see a doctor? It's possible you are depressed
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Thank you - I do agree with both of you - I do need intellectual stimulation but it is not going to happen now. I think I am a bit down and tired etc from pregnancy. The further trouble is that we will only live here probably for another year or so and then move on due to my DH work so the people I see now won;t be long term friendships and hence the feeling of it all being superficial.

You are not alone!

Please don't be so hard on yourself, keep going; you are thinking about it, which is the main thing, and it will come.

I tried to remember that some people come into ones life for a 'reason'; some for a 'season' and a rare, special few come for a lifetime.....

runforyourlife that is a fantastic saying. I want to have more faith in myself - I feel as if I am needy when I am interacting with people and want them to care about me which is a daft thing to think and if someone were overly friendly straight away I would feel funny about it anyway.

The coffee morning scene has a real clique and hence it is easy to feel out of it when you are not part of the gang - but then I am struck by the fact that one woman left at Xmas and they were big friends with her and yet no one has mentioned her once since she went.

I want to meet up with people on equal terms as it were - see them, have a chat and not get stressed about it.
I need to be more resilient and not let my mood and feelings be affected by what I think other people are thinking. This applies to family, friends and acquaintances.

You don't sound daft at all - I could have written the same a few years ago. My DS is now nearly 9 and we are about to move for the 6th time! You are still establishing who you are as a relatively new Mum which has implications in all your personal relationships - probably why you are feeling differently towards family and friends as well...it's also really difficult interacting with total strangers, if you found it ease it would be more worrying!! You are clearly someone who wants relationships with a bit of depth and you care - that's a good thing. I know it's difficult but just keep going and try and find some personal (non-child) interests - even just reading a book when I could helped me as it also gave me something to talk about too....Good Luck!

bibblebobble Have you always felt like this about yourself (having negative thoughts about what other people are thinking about you)?

Do you know, that, objectively, almost everyone else is so worried about themselves they aren't judging you?

You do sound like it might be helpful for you to see a counsellor of something because you sound very down on yourself. Cognitive behavioural therapy might be helpful. It can be very effective for people with depression, anxiety and social anxiety (it's available here on the NHS, not sure about where you are).

By the way, I know exactly how you feel, and have felt exactly the same, too. I find groups of people much harder because I feel I can't make such a connection with people.

Runfor your life is right.

Does your DH know how you feel, and is he sympathetic?

Hi bibblebobble - is your DH in the Army by any chance?

I agree with CBT and wish I had the time and was in a position to undertake it - unfortunately in my current circumstances I cannot but I have started reading books to help me. The problems are longstanding due to a less than satisfactory childhood (father regularly promised to knock us into the middle of next week if we said the wrong thing and spoke to us like dirt). I have fought my feelings about all of that my whole life and feel a tremendous responsibility now I have one child and soon another - I do not want them to end up with the negative personality that I have - I want them to be positive about people and life.

DH is sympathetic - he has had DD at home all day just on sunday and acknowledges it is hard and that we are a bit isolated. Like lots of people we have little time for ourselves, no family or friends nearby.

No - DH not in the army but we have moved abroad for his work and we do hope that we will have a few years abroad - I feel it would be a great experience for all of us - I want to make it work and want to be the sort of person who takes things on - I have come along way from a crummy home life and I want however many years we have abroad to be good but I need to tackle these feelings of impermanence.

Can I also add that I recognise we have chosen this life and we could go back and settle maybe near to DH's parents but I want to make a go of this and it is not so much where I am - I have always felt like this.