4 months on after leaving abusive relationship.. is anyone else here with me? or has been!?

[newnamenow]

I left an abusive relationship in dec, went into refuge for 2 months, have now been out of the refuge and in a little flat with my daughter for about 7 weeks..

I am feeling worse now than i have ever since i left, im still having councilling and attending support groups etc.. so have people to talkto.. but really feeling a sudden surge of 'depression' and i thought i was past that stage? im really happy i'm out of it, but my life feels strangely empty (in a nice way) without the stress and control of my ex p. It a very odd feeling, and im just wondering if this delayed reaction is a normal one when reaching the calm after the storm.. its been a real rollercoaster! dont get me wrong, i'm overjoyed i have got as far as i have, but im feeling a little guilty for sinking into depression some days..

help!

Yeah,I'm four years on, seem to remmber feeling the same. Once all the decorating had been done....... It was like ,'now what?'. Try and find something new to focus on maybe?

i'm really busy.. and always keeping myself physically occupied.. i just seem to almost 'miss' the stress.. he was a whole way of life and this freedom is taking some getting used to!

how do you feel now!? do you still see or bump into your ex p? i havent yet and i petrified about it. we shared a whole life together and it was very intense, now ihavent seen him for 4 months.. i'm not sure how it will be and im really afraid he will still have the same hold over me and undo all of my hard wrk so far.. i'm sure that wont be the case, as i feel pretty strong but he had this button he could push which made me do anything.. i wont know until i see him?!

Exactly as Tiffany says I felt that "now what" feeling.

Do you keep busy, socialise, make an effort to get out?

Have you set yourself any goals to give yourself something to work towards, just small things like I will finish decorating the living room by the end of the month, I will look at college courses/work options before the new term starts?

Sorry - x-posted!

Nobody can really predict how they will react when they see their ex.

If its any help mine turned up outside my work after staying away for 9 months. I wasn't scared just told him I wasn't interested in anything he had to say and there was no point in him turning up again. I did feel a bit flustered but just jumped in a cab so he wouldn't notice and let him think I was fine.

yeah i have kept myself pretty busy, my social life has come on leaps! almost back to normal really? whatever that is!... my moods are just very up and down and i often feel tearful, and have started thinking about ex more.. which i hate myself for because he was a real monster so cant really tell anyone how im feeling, as unless you have been here im sure its not easy to understand.. its a very odd place to be at the moment.. i wouldnt go back for the world though.. so not sure how to get on from this.. ihave lots to look forward to, im not sitting around dwelling.. i really dont know how to feel!

I haven't experienced what you are describing but it sounds perfectly normal to me. When you were with him you were on "high alert" so to speak - there was always the potential for danger or violence or abuse. Then you had all the drama of leaving, living in a strange place with strangers, then getting sorted in a new flat. You could't afford the "luxury" of being sad or depressed until the danger has passed. It's like when you hear about people being in disasters - they survive only to get depressed later.

Also for a long time your life has been dramatic (even if it was a bad kind of drama) and your mind is probably adjusting to this new calm life. You have come so far and done so brilliantly - I'm sure you will find your way through this grey patch very soon.

You shouldn't feel guilty - you wouldn't be human if you hadn't been affected by what you have been through. Just tell yourself how you have done the best possible thing for your little girl - removing her from a bad situation and giving her the opportunity to be safe and happy.

The best advice I can give really is just to take it one day at a time. These feelings will eventually recede.

I do think I know what you mean. Living on eggshells where everything seemed to be fraught with tension when suddenly everythings normal it feels a bit flat - not a very good word but the only one I can think of.

thank you very much mrsboogie, that almost made me cry!

yes i think its the lack of drama im finding it hard to adjust too, our life was very fast paced with a drama a day for a couple of years.. and as you said i was constantly walking on eggshells and had to always think fast to try to avoid certain situations with my ex.. all of which i learnt were unavoidable of course.

I feel like i have learnt so much from the whole experience, but i also feel so confused by it all.. i guess now im starting to beat myself up a bit for getting into such a situation in the first place.. ijust feel awful and cant place why

i think flat is a good word, that describes this quite well...thank you!

I'm really sorry but my lo has just woken so I'll have to go.

I really identify with what you're feeling and can only reiterate that it will pass eventually.

Fwiw I was always of the opinion that if a man ever raised his hand to me he'd feel it where it hurts - it just isn't always that easy.

Will catch up with this thread in the morning if you want to keep posting.

Take care.

Thankyou, I will be back on tomorrow afternoon so that would be great!

yes i felt the same about 'if a guy rasied a hand to me'... i was a really toughy before i met him, its very strange how different things are when you are in that situation yourself..

I hope lo gets back to sleep ok, Thank you x

I understand your anger at getting yourself into the situation and for putting up with it and not walking away the first time something bad happened. But you can't change the past - only learn from it. As you say, you have learned so much - you know that you are strong and won't accept mistreatment, you know that you will never allow a man to treat you badly again, having had the worst kind of partner you will appreciate a good guy when you find one.

You are free now and have all of your life ahead of you to live the way you want to and not according to some bullying control freak's rules. The guy had his chance and blew it. You can find excitement and drama of a good kind in your new life.

Really sorry I didn't get back here sooner.

Just wanted to check in and say I hope today has been better for you.

dittany has put it so right I can't add anymore to it.

I left my x with my 2 kids (or rather 'our') if you need anyone to talk to/message or anything on a personal 1-2-1 basis feel free to message me. he was extremely violent/controlling.

Take care of yourself, its a huge change.

Just wanted to add my words of support as I really want to tell my abusive ex to get out of my life once and for all but can't seem to make that final break. Have wondered if I am a drama addict and though he is pretty much on the periphery of my life he is only a text message away and there is always the potential to create drama.

Thanks for the comments re "high alert" I think part of me is always there.

OP I cannot praise you (and every other person in this situation) enough for your sheer guts and courage. God knows leaving takes everything we have and more.