Parents thinking about leaving their siblings and friends and moving 500 miles to be near me and my brother - what do you think?

[fridayschild]

My brother and his family went to stay with my parents last weekend. We are going up for Easter. Brother says our parents are thinking about moving from the very rural place they were both born and brought up and retired to, to come to London where they would know only my brother, me and our respective spouses and children. Mum has not mentioned this on the phone - I expect she is waiting for a face to face conversation.

I somehow feel a move like this is not a good idea, although I know it will be a nightmare looking after them as they get frail if they stay 500 miles away. At the moment they are both very active but my dad is over 70 now. What if we left London? Or moved to another bit of it for schools etc?

We have a sister who lives in continental Europe. The move to London wouldn't make them any less accessible to her.

Has anyone got any experience of this sort of thing, or suggestions about what I should be thinking about?

I was in a similar situation. My parents mentioned moving closer to a place that DP and I were only talking of moving to. In the end they decided against it - they thought it through and had taken into consideration that we might decide to move again and I guess they didn't want to lay any guilt trips on us. Plus, it would leave them feeling the move was pointless if they didnt settle into the area.
I was surprised that they had wanted to move away from friends but they said at their age they felt it was easy to move on and that there was no hold for them in the town any more. But I actually think they also wanted a change for themselves too and the next move since retiring.
I am assuming they would talk about it to you before finally deciding? If so then I would lay it down - 'What if we decided to move to get DC into different school?'
I guess you need to hear it from them what their reasons for moving are and if they are likely to depend on you a lot. (bit of a tricksy one to ask). Will watch this thread as it could be on the cards again!!

Thanks Hump. Yes, I hope they would talk to us. My mum has a track record of getting itchy feet and then finding it hard to settle into the new place, which is another reason for my worries. I think I will mention the risk that we might move again - and also suggest if they do move to London, they rent for a year first, to see how they like it.

Are they moving so that you can keep an eye on them in their old age? My concern would be that it will tie you down.

My parents live over 400 miles away and I don't see them that often. We get on well but I would be worried if they said they were moving here because that would make me feel tied down and unable to move away if we wanted to.

My parents also thought about moving and decided against it. They didn't want us to feel we couldn't subsequently move, and they couldn't face the hassle of moving (understandable).

Now they are in their 80s and the house they have always lived in is barely suitable for their needs, and it will limit their ability to remain independent. We are working with them to make as many alterations and adjustments as possible (hand rails, downstairs toilet), but it is difficult and disruptive - my parents now wish they had moved to a more suitable house when they were younger.

Issues with the house itself are compounded by the location. They were both unwell recently and they can not get to the shops or doctors without a car.

Fortunately I live only an hour away, and so I could take them to appointments and help them with shopping (I run my own business so I could be flexible there too). Even living relatively close it takes me half a day away from work to drive them to a 30 minute hospital appointment. In the last month I have got an impression of how the next few years of my life might be.

Within the space of a couple of years my parents have gone from extremely healthy, active people, to rather frail, elderly people who need support in a practical sense, and who need my help to make decisions.

By contrast, my sister lives about 7 hours away and she finds it very frustrating to be able to offer so little in terms of practical support. She has felt the need to come and visit a couple of times in the last month and that has been expensive and tiring for her and disruptive for her family.

Fortunately we all get on well, and can work through things with humour, and mutual respect.

No easy answers to these issues - but certainly worth thinking about all the aspects and possible scenarios.

Yes, these are all good points. My parents can't stay in their current house forever as it really is too too rural for words, and have been speaking about moving somewhere more suitable but I had assumed they meant in the nearest town to them at the moment. We had about 6 years with DH's dad who was 100 miles away, getting increasingly frail, and no child of his less than 2 hours' drive. This was appalling stressful for us.

Hi fridayschild.
I would try and come up with some alternatives / suggestions before you visit at Easter.
Speak with your brother some more and present a united offer that you and he (and your respective families) can assist with.
Perhaps devote some time to looking at alternative options in the area when you visit. Example, speak to their local council before you go so you have some idea of waiting list for sheletered accom (if any available etc)