Parents, In-Laws and DH - don't know what to do (longish)

[womblingfree]

DD (4.6) apparently commented to my Mum last week that 'Nanny (MIL) doesn't like Mummy'.

I asked DD about it, fairly surreptitiously as didn't want to lead conversation anywhere and it appeared to have been a misunderstanding.

We were at my Mum's again today, they went upstairs on their own for a bit, and when they came down Mum tells me that DD has come out with "Nanny doesn't like Mummy, and Daddy doesn't like you."

This time DD confirmed that she had said this and when I asked her what made her think that she said Nanny has told her she didn't like me and re Daddy not liking my Mum "I just know!".

TBH she's not a million miles from the truth. MIL and I have had mmany, many ups and downs over the years, although we are on an even keel at the moment, and I'd like to think that even if deep down she can't stand me she wouldn't say something like that to/in front of DD.

DH and my parents had a major fallout a couple of years ago and although things are now civilised with them, he doesn't make any effort with them unless he has to ie Christmas, birthdays etc.

Mentioned it to DH when we got home who obviously said his Mum hadn't said anything like that, and didn't comment on what DD may have picked up from him about my parents.

At a loss to know what to do. If I push it with DH or raise it with MIL it will cause absolute carnage and disrupt the not unpleasant balance we have at the moment, but feel like I should do something.

On the other hand it doesn't really affect DD as she sees both sets of grandparents regularly and has a good relationship with them all so is it worth rocking the boat?

Short of getting them all in a room and banging heads together am at a loss as to know how to approach the situation.

you have my sympathy. I have terrible problems with my mil.

I would just bite my tongue. If you wanted to say anything you could always say you were really shocked when dd said .... And you must get her hearing checked.

Leaves it open ended light and breezy, see what she says.

Doesn't matter what you say though they do 'know' theses things.
My dd told me at age 4 'Daddy and you don't love each other do you' and that was before I realised the end of my marriage was nigh.
Just carry on being civil and behaving politely to your mil so your dc can see that.

I am probably not the best person to respond to this as don't have anything to do with my in laws and they rarely see my children.

If it wouldn't cause more problems, I would get dh to question his mum about her telling your dd that she doesn't like you.

At only 4 years old, and could be mistaken here, but I don't think my dc would be capable of making something like that up.

It isn't fair on your dd to hear from her grandparent that her mum is not liked.

What is it with out in laws??

I do behave with MIL, although DD has no doubt witnessed a few humdingers in the past!

A month or so after the last one last autumn, she was taken ill and in hospital for a few weeks (not related!). When she came out she came round, gave me a hug and apologised for what she had said, and I''m not one to bear grudges if I can have a peaceful life so that was that. We've even been out for coffee since and are getting on fine, so I can't imagine she would have said anything to DD as she'd have no cause to (at the moment!!!)

My Mum can be trying - I'm an only child and we have no other family nearby, but that's life. Me and her and my Dad are all the family we have locally and that's been the case the whole time I've been with DH. Yes, she can be demanding (my Dad is v. laid back) and has her neuroses which DH can't even begin to understand, but she's my Mum - end of.

Just heartbreaking to think we had got things reasonably settled by the time DD was old enough to notice stuff and it turns out we've failed miserably.

personally i say to mil dd said this, hope it's not true.

she will prob say no its not true

then you say oh good i didn't think you would say that in front of dd.

she might think twice next time.

your poor dd
i think your dh needs a kick up the bum too tbh.

Flappy - DH is one of 3 boys and MIL is THE MATRIARCH!!! I suspect she doesn't think I'm good enough for him (other 2 DIL's are older than BIL's, professional high earners. I'm well educated but have chosen a slower pace of life and more time with my DD as I'm just not ambitious in that way), as money is v. important to her.

I also stand up to her which she doesn't like. I'm sure the other DIL's have also done so, but because they are high achievers/earners she respects that they do it, but I think she feels I'm 'inferior' and therefore have no right to question her.

This is my feelings BTW, haven't actually have this conversation with her.

wf she sounds horrible.

my mother does this to my sisters in law, one can do no wrong one can do one right

its actually really horrible how she treats them

Jean - the original context was that she meant Nanny had said that she didn't like Mummy hanging around when dropping her off for babysitting.

I know this, she has said it to my face and that of BIL and his partner. She thinks the kids play up for our benefit so prefers it if we just 'drop and run'.

i always try to stick up for the un fav sil btw.

we get on verywell

well do you prefer to drop and run or settle then leave.

relly whatthe mother/father says goes in my book.

I don't mind dropping and leaving now DD is older, but when she was small (MIL helped out with childcare when I went back to work after she was born) I used to stick to my guns which caused lots of tutting and moaning and sarky comments and 1 full on tussle over DD in my driveway which was v. unpleasant

omg she sounds really horrid, maybe best not to rock the boat then, as she might be the sort that will never learn

I doubt she will TBH. I just stand my ground as best I can when I need to, and make the most of the friendly phases.

She has had DD for half a day a week for the last 3 weeks as I have been doing some casual work (was made redundant from proper job last year - suspect she's not impressed that I've been making the most of being SAHM ). But DH is at home for the next 3-4 weeks so at least there will be a break.

I still can't really imagine she'd be daft enough to say something like that. She knows how bright and nosy DD is and that she's got a memory like and elephant and can't keep secrets.

She'd have to be even more bonkers than Iusually think she is...

She sounds awful, I suppose I'm "lucky" that my dc's have nothing to do with my inlaws.

Our issues aren't money related, dh's step mother treated/treats her own children/grandchildren completely differently which is why we rarely see them.

well i wish you the best, don't let the bitch grind you down.

you must be made of sterling stuff to cope so well.
good for you

TBH Jean there have been times when I have thought that her behaviour (and to a lesser extent the way DH deals with it - although he has been better lately) would be the end of our marriage.

But we've been together nearly 13 years and I won't give her the satisfaction of breaking up my little family

good for you.
i think the best way is to stand your ground when you can.

You have my sympathy. My Ils are not great, and unfortunately for us, our DD1 have interpreted that as meaning her grandparents do not love her, and has said as much in the past. We try to protect her as best we can - but what can you do? Its between a rock and a hard place. Sorry I've got nothing constructive to add, just sympathy!

Children of 4 (esp girls!) pick up on all sorts of underlying emotions going on. I think a bright and breezy comment along the lines of "we love everyone in the family, but all family's have arguments/disagreements every now and again" kind of thing would do, with appropriate examples of siblings etc falling out. Do this together with a firm resolution to keep up the good work with MIL should see you through until she is really old enough to work out what it means for her.

Had similar with my middle one when my grandparents decided that i was terrible ( they were both going slightly mad at the time). She was 4 and picked up on the whole thing. They eventually died when she was 10 and by then she did have a pretty mature view of things. Families are complicated beasts, at least your LO is able to express it!

rising - I like 'complicated beasts' - that sums my lot up perfectly, and will make me chuckle next time they are driving me nuts!!!

DD is an only child so can't really explain it in the context of sibling arguments, although could perhaps use her relationships with nursery chums instead as they seem to have lots of ups and downs at the mo but are always best friends again the following week.

Personally I am quite happy to tell her that MIL and I often have differences of opinion but we are family and need to try and get along and be there for each other when it matters.

My mum thinks I am a 'doormat' for putting up with the situation, but I'm not an all guns blazing person who wants to cause havoc for the sake of a 'principle' or proving a point.

As people have said, I feel that if I take a measured approach as much as possible I won't be stooping to the same level and DD can figure it out for herself when she's old enough.

my mother would never have old me this. what can it possibly achieve for your mother to tell you this.

my mother would have said " well your mummy likes your nanny lots"

i think your mum should geet her hooter out too.

I know exactly what you mean custardo.

Mum can't stand MIL (not without good reason) and I got the distinct impression she really enjoyed telling me about this, which makes me even less inclined to make an issue of it.

Agree totally with custardo.

what on earth was your mother doing? Has she never heard of "shooting the messenger"? Or "discretion is the better part of valour"?

Tbh, I would be most angry here with your own mother who has really set the cat amongst the pigeons - you're upset to hear this second-hand information, your daughter is probably bothered by it, and your dh will no doubt get it in the neck as he's stuck in the middle. And hostilities will increase with your in-laws...

I'm not going to do anything about it, apart from keep bending over backwards to keep everyone else happy, like I've been doing for the last umpteen years, and being a good role model by not getting involved so DD can make her own mind up when she's older.