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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I really hate DP and have hated him for ages but he won't leave

18 replies

bumposaurus · 29/03/2009 21:27

I don't really hate him, I think he is a good man with a flaw, but having read the emotional abuse thread, I realise that he has picked away at me for years, ground me down and altered my life so that all I have is him. I have asked him to leave (house in my name) but he laughed and said he would go when he was ready (which I know wil be never as I have asked before). What now?

OP posts:

Tortoise · 29/03/2009 21:29

If he really won't leave you could go and see a solicitor and see if you can get a court order making him leave or can you get the locks changed while he is out?

MoreSpamThanGlam · 29/03/2009 21:30

No chance of you going to relate? Do you have kids? What has he done to make you so angry/sad?

AMumInScotland · 29/03/2009 21:34

I think if he won't leave, and you want out of the relationship, then you should look into how you can leave him. If you're in a council flat, then you should speak to the council about it - they should be able to advise you. If it's a private landlord then you need to look at the terms of your tenancy - how much notice do you have to give? Can you afford a deposit on a new place? It might be possible for him to take on the tenancy if he really wants to stay there.

Original poster

bumposaurus · 29/03/2009 21:37

I have two childen from my marriage (husband walked out) and another with him. I work full time and I take all the responsibilty for childcare when I am not here,and for the kids when I am. I have all the financial responsibility and there is no way in which we are a partnership. I asked him to leave last summer and he moved out to a tent. I worried so much and he made so many promises that I let hm back. All promises have gone unfufilled adn now he has made me feel so low, in a million different ways, that all self respect is gone. I wanted to go to relate and he said he would, but he wouldn't. The fina straw is that he won't leave the house. Sorry, I know its incoherent, but my thoughts are going crazy

OP posts:

solidgoldbrass · 29/03/2009 21:38

If it's your house and he is not on the tenancy/mortgage agreement, you can make him leave. I am not sure exactly how you do this, but I think you have to give him notice to leave (a month or so) and then if he still refuses, you can actually have the police come and remove him.

Simplysally · 29/03/2009 21:42

It might be helpful if you went to Relate (or similar counselling) yourself to clear your head as well as taking perhaps legal advice. You don't have to go as a couple or even be looking to 'save' your relationship although relate isn't for everyone.

Original poster

bumposaurus · 29/03/2009 21:43

That's interesting as I think I can give him notice to leave, but he says that's illegal. I had to remortgage the house two years ago to pay off unpaid debts of his and he signed everything over to me but I let him stay and he believes that gives him rights. and I am really worried about that one month period when he is under notice as he will be vile to the children and I

OP posts:

Original poster

bumposaurus · 29/03/2009 21:43

OP posts:

mrsboogie · 29/03/2009 22:00

Tell him you want him out in a month. If he is vile change the locks when he is out and call the police if he tries to force his way in. If he isn't vile and is still there in a month change the locks then. Its your house.

solidgoldbrass · 29/03/2009 22:21

If he is violent the police can come and remove him immediately, and you can get a court order to prevent him coming back (this could be done even if he was a co-tenant or even if he owned the house, as it's the family home which means the DC have a right to live in it without being subjected to a violent person).

2rebecca · 30/03/2009 11:41

It sounds as though you need legal advice. If you aren't married and the house is in your name and you are the main carer of the children then he will possibly have tenants rights only but that is all. It is reasonable to give him notice to go, the same as you would with a tenant to give him time to find somewhere. Find out your legal rights, give him written notice and tell him you want to separate.
Throwing him straight out on the street seems unreasonable, I can't imagine many women condoning that if a man was doing that to a woman.
You need to keep some sort of relationship if he is the kids' father as well.

monkeylaine · 30/03/2009 12:38

Yes I'd give notice to help him find somewhere to live, then if he's vile to the kids during that time, make him leave immediately. Warn him you'll do that. If he causes you problems after leaving, there's always an injunction. Yes, some women would just chuck him out and change the locks. But, I'd try to do things a little more sympathetically, but stick to your guns and don't listen to his BS, because that's what it seems to be; you certainly wouldn't be doing anything illegal at all.

For him to get any rights to own or access your house, he'd have to apply to courts for a % of the property (charging order), and for that you'd both declare all your finances, etc. But I don't think from what you describe he'd get anything other than an invoice to pay the huge fees for asking. Even if he received a small % (charge on property), he would still have no right of access to your house. A charging order would require that you give him his % when you sell or buy the % of him within a certain time frame. Like I said though, even if he does own a small %, he's not entitled to enter the property while you live in it as your home.

As an example, I know of a man who owns 45% of his house, pays 100% of the mortgage, but it's lived in by his ex wife and their 3 kids, and he's not allowed to access it without permission of his ex wife.

Original poster

bumposaurus · 30/03/2009 12:47

Thank you for the replies - you have confirmed what I suspected, but he threw me when he said it was illegal. When I asked him to go last year he left all of his things behind and kept a key - he was constantly coming in and out, so this time I think it is important that I change the locks and get his stuff out.

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 30/03/2009 12:57

Is he out at work? Do it now!

AMumInScotland · 30/03/2009 13:09

You definitely need to get proper legal advice - Citizens Advice Bureau can help with that - to make sure that you do everything properly. And once it's all done, nice and legally, change the locks - if they're the ordinary Yale type it's very easy to do yourself, otherwise get a locksmith to come and do it. That way you can be sure he can't wander back in.

Are you afraid that he might actually do something once you've given him notice? If you're afraid of violence then the police can take action. If you think he might do something petty, it might be an idea to have your important documents etc somewhere else for the duration, if you have family or friends you could trust with them.

unavailable · 30/03/2009 13:17

Why on earth would you take his word that it would be illegal to give him notice to quit? He is hardly likely to give you impartial advice.

As others have said - get some proper legal advice (not mumsnet) so you know what you can and cant do, then make a plan and stick to it. It sound as if you have lived like this for more than long enough.

solidgoldbrass · 30/03/2009 14:51

It certainly sounds as though you will have no problems getting rid of him legally (but do check with CAB and do it by the book). Once you have the fact, tell him he has one month to move out and take his stuff with him. If he becomes aggressive or gets physically violent, call the police to come and remove him and then you can change the locks.

BetsyBoop · 30/03/2009 19:25

there's a good advice section on the Shelter website

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