Deeply ashamed and need some advice...

[Hesdoneitagain]

Hello

Quick summary - my ExH and I have been apart for 3 years, divorce should come through this week. We have 4yr old DD.I have a DP of 2.5 years who lives with us and treats DD as his own.

ExH is a t"£t. Sorry. Had an STD while married, ran up loads of debt, hardly bothers with DD, lets her down, is verbally horrible to me all the time, constantly pleads poverty while jetting off abroad on hol with new gf, usual stuff.

I try to keep our relationship civil for DD. I've let him stay at my house, let him bring her here if hes up for the day so they can play here rather than him having to take her out, packed lunch for them to go out with (he forgets to feed her), lent him money etc etc.

DD loves him although only sees him every two / three weeks for a day.

Today we had a row about the usual, money and his lack of it (amongst other things). I shut the door so DD couldnt hear (she was in other room with DP), but he was so vile to me I asked him to leave (my brain hadnt quite clicked that he hadn't said bye to DD yet). He says no and storms into living room where DD is and gives her big hug. Im saying 'Can you leave now please', he carries on being vile to me verbally so my DP asked him to leave, it all got a bit horrid, I picked DD up and took her upstairs where she started wailing for her daddy.

He left. I now feel a total cow, not towards him but because I let DD see us with raised voices and obviously rowing with each other. Feel sick about that.

Also - and this is totally stupid, I feel a little angry towards DD (not that I would ever show it) because I'M the one who does everything all the time day in day out for her and then he comes up, takes her to the zopo, buys her a present (and Easter eggs which he bought in front of her so all I had after he left was When can I have my eggs When can I have my eggs etc), and yet shes calling for 'Daddy' the man who swans here every three weeks if he can be bothered.

Sorry, please help me feel better and also how do I prevent this happening again?

Am I the world's worst mother for letting her see this row?

She is going to worship her daddy as she doesn't know he has done wrong.

I never saw mine and he was on a huge pedestal. Took 36 years for him to be pushed off.

You did not let her see a row. It was caused by him and through no fault of yours.

I think you might need to change arrangements so that he has to make more of an effort if he wants to see her, instead of you babysitting him in a way.

Hi Nab.

Just feeling a cow - you prob know me from stately homes so this has probably brought up lots of issues for me, argh.

Do you think children are ok if they see the occasional argument? Im worried sick we've damaged her for life now.

Hope you're doing ok.
x

I agree with Nabster, you did not cause the row, if he had just left there would have been nothing for DD to see.

You should probably make your visitation more formal. Drop DD off to meet him at a neutral place and pick her up from there (at least for a little while). Whilst he will always be a part of DDs life he is not a part of yours and you do not have to have him in your home disrespecting your rules and space.

I too thought my father was the best thing ever after my parents divorced. It is easy to think that when the only days you see them are are about playing and fun things and there is no need for them to discipline. In the end, you grow up though and see the reality of what your father has contributed to your life. If he has made a good one you see it and if he hasn't really made one at all you see that too.

Wishing you good things and please don't beat yourself up. You sound like an amazing mother.

You did try to not let your DD witness the arguement, it was your ex who went into the room where she was and then started being verbally abusive in front of her. You did nothing wrong!

If this is the only time this has happened it probably won't have a huge effect on your DD long term.

Your DD is too young to have the knowledge to realise that your ex is a twt and you are the one who does everything for her. I don't think children know how to feel grateful for what you do for them, but when she is grown up she will* see then what you did for her and will be grateful then.

Your DP sounds really nice and sounds like someone who helps to make things stable for you and your DD. It sounds like you've made a nice home for your DD.

If children don't see arguments and resolutions, HOW will they learn to deal with angry feelings and suchlike later in life?

Of COURSE you haven't damaged her - at all, let alone for life.

My DS's first few months of life were nothing BUT arguments - each day, multiple times a day; in fact, I don't think we spoke without yelling.

He's not irrepairably damaged.

I wouldn't let him stay at your house or play in your house until he can treat you like a human being. If that's never, then it's never - it's his doing.

You did your best, he was to blame for this, and your DD will not be permanently damaged.
I would seriously advise no longer having him in your house, though. He doesn't have any right to enter your house at all. There's a difference between facilititing contact and allowing a useless or spiteful man to cause trouble for you and manipulate your household. Do handovers on the doorstep or neutral territory, and confine any communication with him to stuff about DD.

Thank you everyone. Really helpful to get others opinions and perspectives. Think I was just ocd'ing on the 'bad mother' thing. I feel much better now for reading your replies.

We've got books we've read to DD re daddy and mummy living in separate houses etc but I haven't found any yet re the bit after, sort of new partners, contact etc. If anyone has any suggestions they are very welcome.

Re the house (Its owned by me), ExH used to stay overnight and look after DD once every two weeks (he lives 200 miles away). I would go and stay at DPs so he could stay here. When DP and I decided to live together, ExH was very annoyed that he would no longer be able to use my house as a 'base' and stay there. He blamed me that he had to then either just come up for the day or take DD back to his house for the night, thereby costing him lots in petrol. He was very put out about that! Not quite sure why I just typed that, think I'm just having a rant!

My ex lived an hour's flight away - the court decided that he was to get 4 hours on a saturday and 4 hours on a sunday.

No overnight - he was to find a hotel. The limited hours were due to his behaviour / attitude and DS only being a young toddler, so you could say he could have 6-8 hours each day...

Would that work for you?

He usually turns up at 11am and leaves at 3.30, 4pm if hes really pushing it!! So there's no way he'd do 6 - 8 hours.

He goes on about how much he loves her, and in some ways I believe him, but as to the actual real life practical parenting hes crap. When he does have her he usually takes her to a shopping centre. Nice for her when she was 3 and even now at 4. Argh.

He doesnt come up for parents evenings (said me giving him 2.5 weeks notice was too short), never really asks what she's learning or doing. has no idea of her friends names / her habits / favourite toys etc. Said if a party falls on one of his days up here he won't take her to it (they're only usually 1.5 hours) because she's be better spending that time with him on his own (er in a car where he has a dvd playet turned on for her even for a 10 min drive!).

Sorry ranting again. Need to buy a punchbag!!

"Hi Nab.

Just feeling a cow - you prob know me from stately homes so this has probably brought up lots of issues for me, argh.

Do you think children are ok if they see the occasional argument? Im worried sick we've damaged her for life now.

Hope you're doing ok."

Hi, sorry I went off to bed before I saw your reply.

Kids are fine seeing arguments as long as they see you make up too and apologise when necessary.

You have not damaged her at all.