What do you do when you can't stop caring about someone who has hurt you?

[Nabster]

It just isn't in my nature but I know I need too.

I am going now but I wanted to post this to remind me tomorrow when I am having a wobble.

I haven't a notion. Sorry not much use.

I was in a dv r/s for 5yrs, left him twice in that time but went back. When we finally split I did feel sorry for him...why I do not know and it took me a good few months to stop caring for him and realise how lucky I was to be rid...

Thank you.

Have to really go now but I appreciate very much your reply.

I hope you are okay now.

I'm great now ty & I hope you get sorted .

Could you try focussing on how much he hurt you and what bad things he did? Could you make a list of reasons why caring about him is not in the best interests of you, your DH and your DCs? Could you think about all the things that would go 'wrong' if you were with him and how crap it would be compared to what you have now? You probably don't want to turn yourself against him but it might help you to feel better long term.

Could you list the things you like about him and then think about your DH and realise that he has a lot of those qualities himself and you don't need someone else?

Keep telling yourself that every minute of every day the person matters less and less. Because time will make it all fade away into nothing.

Thank you An and SGB.

My psych has just phoned and pointed out something to me which I don't know if it will help or not but I understand more why I can't get them out of my head.

Am going to bloody well try though.

These links may go some way to explaining why you feel it is impossible to let go of someone who has hurt you.

traumatic bonding

in abusive relationships

Some people who train animals find they have a more effective bond and can get much more 'effort' and desperation to please from the animal if they have been alternatively very cruel and then kind to that animal.

Its the same effect seen in kidnap victims and their captors.

Its the brain's way of protecting itself from intolerable situations.

HTH xxxx

How is the brain protected?

This person never meant to hurt me. A lot of my actions are hurting myself tbh.

Thank you for the post and info.

Actualy, Nab, it's not that he didn't mean to hurt you, it's that he didn't care if you were hurt or not, because he's a gutless tosspot who could never have made you happy.

Nab - why didn't you MSN me if you were feeling like this

I can't get the hang of it. Some times I can get on, other times not.

I have further news if we can match a time to chat.

BH - I need you

Nab, are you ok?

Nab - have just CATed (is that the way to spell it?) you.

Been out. Just got back. Have emailed you, thanks.

Just got back in. Have mailed you back

Oh hunny I haven't been on today til now, am on msn now if that's any good xx