Another mother thread (long, sorry)

[SuperBunny]

I love my mum. She is generous and kind and sweet but I am finding her constant complaining and self-denigrating comments really wearing.

We live a very long way from each other so I don't see her often but we speak several times a week on a webcam and chat briefly on msn most days. So far today, she has complained that;

they friends round for dinner last night (she invited them)
the friends didn't leave til 3am (presumably because everyone was having fun?) so
she is tired
she is watching Top Gear (she could turn it off but then she'd be bored )
she can't make hot cross buns
crumpets would be too hard for her to make (no-one is asking her to make them)

Other continual concerns are:

weather - it is always too hot/ cold/ wet/ slippery
food - too expensive/ too little choice/ it is 'disgusting'
people - too fat/ too loud/ wearing the wrong clothes

Even when I asked her what she wanted to do when she visits, she said, "Well, we could go on the train but DS probably doesn't like that any more" and "we could go to X but there probably isn't anything to do"

I know none of this is major stuff and it is probably a way for her to make conversation but it makes me feel so exhausted. I have enough stuff going on in my own life (messy divorce, custody issues, living overseas, health problems etc). I don't know why she does this. She has a very successful career, is happily married (I think). I can't work out if she is just really insecure or unhappy or what.

I don't know how best to deal with it. I used to ignore it but one day snapped and said, "Do you know you complain about everything? All the time?" and she stopped for a few hours but started again.

I try to point out the good things or say things like, "well, maybe she is wearing that because she likes it" or "if you don't like it, why don't you try mine" etc but I think I just have to ignore it, don't I?

Also, she has a nervous sniff which I feel bad about but she does it every several times a minute and it irritates me beyond belief. I try to ignore it but it is constant and makes me feel like I am going to explode with rage.

I don't want to be bitchy but I really don't know what to do.

I have a MIL like that. No suggestions, really. Mine has been told once or twice but it makes no difference here either. I feel your pain.

limit contact to once a week?

she sounds like a fawlty towers customer...i like the sound of her tbh.

I bite my tongue all the time with my Mum - conversations go a bit like - Mum -who is that person, where are they going to park? Me - why are you bothered? Mum- they might park somewhere I don't want them to. Me - oh, right.
Mum - that person is wearing a hoodie, do you think they're on drugs? Me-probably not, why do you think so? Mum- well, they're wearing a hoodie. Me - oh, right.
Also the black thing - she really, really thinks that she is "better" than black people just because she is white. She also does this really embarrassing "what she thinks is a "black voice" thing". I just walk away. The sad thing is that despite me giving her grief about this, she never learns. I am starting to want to not go out with her, IYKWIM.

Thanks daftpunk! I think it would be funny if it weren't my real life. I will try to think of her as a comedy sketch, that might make it less irritating.

Compo, you are probably right. I think I am more aware of it because she is coming to stay for a whole week.

Thanks for the sympathy, abbie.

She is lovely, really.

Oh Shytalk, at least my mum isn't racist. Judgemental, yes, but nothing worse.

I know a couple of people just like that. I think it is a habit, a way of being, that they have slowly grown into over their life. I don't think they have any idea how they actually come across. No advice on what to do about it tho . Sympathies on how bloody irritating it must be

tbh superbunny..i was lol, esp @ the sniffing bit...

sorry..didn't mean to be insensitive..

Thanks Drusilla

Daftpunk - it wasn't insensitive. It made me smile.

She just sounds incredibly irritating!

I can totally understand your irritation.

I have a friend like this - I call her Eeyore because she's always complaining. Some people just see the negative in everything, which is hard if you tend to see the positives.

I'd try to see her a bit less and do the webcam thing a bit less too. The wecam thing is fine if there's actually something to talk about but if you're just doing it as a routine thing then perhaps the conversation will degenerate into moaning because there's nothing else to say.

It's weird because she is actually quite bright and smiley. I tend to plonk DS in front of the webcam to entertain her for a bit while I do other stuff and so i don't have to talk to her

blimey
i feel your pain
well kind of

erm i suppose there are only 3 choices really
live with it and carry on being annoyed
live with it and find a way to not be annoyed by it
deal with it and confront her about it
this doesn't have to be all aggressive although "confronting" sounds aggressive doesn't it? but you could say something like "mum i am worried about you. I don't know if you realise this but you seem extremely negative atm. for example just today you have complained about x, y, z, a, b and c. It makes me think that you must be very stressed or down about something? Is something bothering you? Or has this just become a habit? It is quite hard to listen to, tbh - you know I have a lot on my mind anyway. I look forward to speaking to you but you seem so negative. What's up?"

good lord i have blathered, but could it work?

Oh dear, I think I m probably the last person to advise on mother issues.
Franny is good, listen to her.

I think you just need a break really,

Thanks.

I will probably stick to my usual strategy

1. Ignore it to avoid confrontation
2. Sigh, tut, offer tissues, say nice things
3. Seethe quietly
4. Maybe try Franny's suggestion when the first are no longer sufficient. I worry that saying something will make her cry