I need to talk about my family - never posted in here before, hope that's ok

[notevenamousie]

My sister ... 3 years younger, with a child a year older than mine. SAHM due to my mother and I making it financially viable for her (her DP doesn't earn loads, though he certainly does his very best), and a good mum, I wish I could stay at home but not do-able financially or emotionally in my case. But she is much less independent than I have ever been, of her (very supportive and caring, at least so it seems) DP and her DS.

My mum is not in good health, is having chemotherapy at the moment. My sister is there for dramatic moments (like the surgery) but never visits otherwise. My mum is and always has been a bit manipulative, and drinks a bit too much, and is very negative after a few drinks, towards anyone really but I have always taken the worst I think.

I (without being too identifying) am a single mum in a professional job with a 2 year old much loved DD. She goes to XP about once a month but for a whole week (not advisable I know, it seems to be the best for now). I also have significant past and present mental health issues, but somehow manage to get through, with work, money, etc, though it is tough.

I don't know how to handle my sister being unpleasant about me behind my back to my mother - and my mother telling me.
I don't know how to cope with all the issues in the past from my mum... let alone the fact that I still am her emotional support and she has maybe a year or two to live, if we're lucky.
I don't know how to handle my mum's negativity in the here and now, for example about my single motherhood, or my psychiatric issues, or my eating/ housekeeping/ spending or any other small issue that I manage just fine without any help.
I have met a lovely man... I want to get rid of this rubbish, but I don't know how?

I don't know if this is appropriate for here but would appreciate any advice or experience.

Do you care what your sister thinks of you?

IME folk who slag off others have far more 'issues' and negative chracteristics than those who are being slagged off.

So when your Mum reports back to you what she has said, do you ask your Mum if she stood up for you? Or has she just taken on the role of gossip monger, and is too weak to defend you or enjoys this role she has now?

(I don't see how you make life financially viable for your sister?)

Your other issues sound like couselling might be the way forward if you feel you cannot face the questions by yourself.

I hope someone with good advice comes along soon.
It sounds as if you've got a huge amount to deal with.
Have you seen anyone about your mental health problems?
And it might be worth having a look at the 'stately homes' threads - there are a lot of very wise, understanding and supportive posters there.

Have you had a look on the stately homes thread?

Might help, sorry no advice but sure lots will come soon

No sure it was "bad enough" to look at the stately homes thread? Normal I think because most people can bring up bad parenting, no?

I pay for my sister to come to visit me, to go on holiday, and other things I consider luxuries that I am lucky to have like etra toys. My mum pays for their internet, heating, etc.

Counselling might be wise but it sounds like it might hurt a lot, but I guess it's worth it.
I don't answer back I just hope the conversation will end as soon as possible.

Welcome, and I hope you get lots of useful advice from your first post!

Counselling can hurt - quite a lot, actually, because it tends to bring up issues we've buried deeply, kind of like taking out a splinter... but after a few sessions, it usually becomes a "good hurt", kind of like a deep massage - aches at the time but you know it will feel better. I highly recommend it. Life is too short to spend it feeling like crap. And your lovely little DD deserves a happy mum!

Counselling may also give you the tools to deal with your mum and sister.

As someone who used to find it very hard to speak up for myself, I understand that you want conversations about your sister badmouthing you to just end, but... I don't think they will unless you speak up. That was very good advice, to ask your mum, "so what did you say? Did you stick up for me?" And if she says she didn't, I'd say, "well, I don't need to hear this then... it's upsetting me so please don't tell me what she says." Repeat whenever the conversation comes up: "remember what I asked you last time? Did you stick up for me? Ok then, I don't want to hear it, it's upsetting me." Maybe your mum will get the hint.

As for your sister, she sounds like an opportunistic cowbag. Sorry, but - she has a partner, you don't. She stays at home, you work. And you're supporting her??? In my humble opinion, you need little luxuries much more than she does. And she badmouths you??? How very dare she!!! for you. I'm not telling you what to do, but if it were me, I'd be stopping those little luxuries right sharpish!!! I'd say something along the lines of "I need to be looking after myself a bit better, so can't afford to help you out right now". I might even add, if I were in the mood to get it out in the open, "besides which, mum tells me you're badmouthing me... I find that hurtful as you're happy to take my money", and see what she says. She can hardly deny it without accusing your mum of lying.

I hope you can get some counselling. It really helps.
Good luck!!!

Having been where you are my first point is stop financially helping your sister. She is a big girl and she can work part time and still spend lots of time with her child - she isnt a baby and you are not responsible for her - you have enough on your plate.

Re your mum - sorry to hear she is unwell - you must have very mixed feelings about this. My advice is if she is being negative then either tune it out or change the subject. If she really wont stop then ask her not to do it, you dont have to be confrontational - just say you would rather spend the time you have with her talking about nice things.

Re: new man. Tune out the crap - it really doesnt matter and just enjoy it! Sounds like you deserve it.

I would also suggest counselling too as it can be helpful.

Do post on the Stately Homes thread if you want - you will find understanding posters there who could very well relate to your situation with your family members.

Some people do worry that their problems with family are not "bad" enough to warrant a post on that particular thread. Please believe me when I say this is truly not the case. All problematic situations with toxic and or overtly dependent family members are just as valid.

Why are you supporting your sister at your own expense?. Who put you up to that arrangement?. You likely realise that enabling such a person does not help them at all.

NotEvenAMousie, you are being supportive to your mother and helping your sister financially and looking after your own children despite mental health problems (I really admire you for coping with so much and being so strong) and in return they are slagging you off and appearing to enjoy it and your mother is tellling you what was said! (wouldn't it be kinder not to tell you?). This is so sad and unfair on you!

Almost everyone who joins the Stately Home thread says something like "I feel like an impostor because other people's experiences sound worse than mine", including me. But nobody on there would think your experiences are not bad enough. If there are things that happened and are happening in your family which are still affecting your ability to live a happy life with peace of mind - and it sounds like they are and they most likely contributed to your mental health problems, then you deserve support.

Also quite often, people who have gone through bad experiences as children normalise those experiences in their mind and think they aren't as bad as they really are.

i would tell my mother not to tell me, tell her it hurts your feelings and doesn't help with family unity especially as she is going through chemo.

just say you would rather not know. i said that to a relative once - my sil and mil were calling my dh a liar over an incident ( it turned out later everyone found out was true) and i told this relative not to come to my house and tell me about other people bitching behind my back. it made me upset and there was nothing i could do about it so i would rather not know.