Fool that I am...

[Kally]

BF borrowed £100 off me to do some work that could make x 4... said he'd come to me this weekend (in long distance relationship)to repay me (as I took it out of deposit/rent money). He called this morning to say the job is taking longer than he thought.

I haven't heard from him all day and when I loaned it to him I declined at first saying it was hard saved money for my deposit on a new place I'm moving into soon, he knows full well how I couldn't afford it.

Ok, my guts said DONT but I did because he promised no screw ups and I said if he didn't keep his word I'd be in a pickle.

He's not usually a tosser but I don't like this silence... not heard from him since I called this morning to see how he was getting on (which was when he said it was taking longer than he thought it would). He also said he'd come to me when he'd finished today but, no doubt, he won't be coming now, its too late.. plus he hasn't called or texted me at all.

He's not some 'guy' but has been my BF for the past 2 years, but long distance... so any kind of 'getting together' is usually planned and adhered to keep each other feeling safe etc.

I feel so annoyed with myself and almost want to toss him for this as it's the implications of his lack of responsibility.

Am I being too rash here and should I give him time to call and say whatever? He probably has a perfectly good reason but it's not as if he doesn't know I need the money back by Monday or I'm in a right old mess. He also knows that communication with me puts me at ease...

Silly me... please don't say 'it's your own silly fault' I know that...

Mr Shakespeare (I think) once said " neither a borrower nor a lender be". Put this down to experience but don't do it again. You need to think about whether your relationship is worth more then £100, if so, wait and see what happens, don't lend him any more though. Give him some time if you think he's worth it. If not then live and learn.

Well, most predatory conmen start extracting money from their partners more quickly than this - 'loving' you for two years merely to con you out of £100 would seem a pretty rubbish criminal career.
Do you know exactly or even roughly what he was doing with the £100? It's more likely that he has somehow been conned out of it, or the scheme didn't work, and he is panicking and feeling awful about not being able to give you the money back, hence the silence (he may also be running round like a loon trying to borrow it off someone else in order to repay you...)

Well as I was writing an response, he suddenly came online... and then immediately went offline which made my heart thump.)As if he saw me online and took a quick hike)

So I called and he said he's just got back from doing this IT job for a friend, that it took a lot longer than he thought and was more complicated... that he was hungry and would call me after he's eaten.

I know a £100 isn't that much and I don't think he's conning me, but he's been pretty broke just lately and I've 'given' him some cash here and there to get by, as I know its been hard for him. When I say cash, I mean 20 quid here and a tenner there, nothing I couldn't 'give'..I put the train fare in his account last week to get here but it got spent (or a direct debit went out and gobbled it up before he got to it) and altho I know he's going thru a rough patch and want to help best I can, I feel the least he could do is call me (as he said he would come when he's finished) ok, it didn't work out... but CALL me, tell me. Make me feel 'in the picture' so's I don't get all paranoic.

I am trying to be careful here, and understanding, and sensible. I feel I am being none of those.

Still if it all goes tits-up because of a £100 then I suppose its a small price. I just don't want to sound measly... it's the implications..

It's alright. It's more the let down then the money right?

Definately.

I can survive the £100. It'll be hard to put it back in the pot but I will. It's just the lack of 'seeing how important it is'.

I told him I want to talk to him after he's eaten (in a serious voice)... I suppose he'll say he's sorry he couldn't make it as he finished a lot later, he'll make up for it... etc etc... But I hate seeming like I'm a tight arsed nag... (but I am not ...am I?, I have every right to know how it stands right!) £100 wise and relationships wise... I hope I can make myself clear on that one.

But if he can go online all of a sudden, be for whatever reason, either to check his emails of whatever, don't you think I deserve first call? 'Hi Baby how are you this evening... sorry I couldn't make it'?

he sounds a bit useless with money and you really don't know what he's spending it on. I'm a bit suspicious though. He just seems to be evasive which is horrible.

I borrow money off my brother and sister when I'm really stuck. I find it embarassing and I'm ashamed that I've had to do this. I do talk to them but I am deeply ashamed that I have borrowed money off them. It's not an easy thing to do, to ask for help. I'd imagine that he's not feeling so good about it, that's why he's not contacted you.

i think any man that asks their gf for money is a waste of space sorry my ex asked me for money and it was money id saved for when our baby came he swore on his unborn childs life he would give it back he never did, another ex borrowed money off me never gave it back he was a areshole wont go into detail but please let this b a lesson run a mile if they ask they obviously have no respect

Sounds like he is skint. And the story in your first posting (this x4 business) isn't half of it, by which I mean people in this position usually owe money all over so anything coming in soon gets gobbled up (like that direct debit you mention). They also see a money pot (you) and think their needs are greater.

You shouldn't feel so bad for being anxious over £100. It's not just the money itself but betrayal of trust. But try and let it go a bit. Let him know he still owes you, ask when you will be paid back and maybe make out you are short yourself, need to help out your mum or something.

has he phoned u yet?

Yes, evasive is a big worrier. That, he is. I have always blown up about the evasiveness of him in other things but he always assures me there is nothing 'up'.

It seems to be a 'man' thing. I must admit I don't deal too well with it and strain not to get too nitpicky about it. But I find I always end up having to settle for his approach of 'really , sweet, nothing to worry about here'...

I think he is crapp with money. I am not in anyway rich but I am careful and have DD to support. I do the best I can. I don't know why he has such difficulty constantly. I don't get it at all.

I don't want to judge him on this period that he is going through, because other than that, his morals are decent and he is kind and thoughtful. Supportive and good humoured. I love the way he is as him, but this has really bothered me. I hope to Gawd I am worrying needlessly.. but guts say I should wake up and smell the coffee.. he's perhaps not as serious as I am about life. You know, dip into this, spend there, buy that when you haven't got the money... (ie: big expensive game box thing for his DS for Xmas when he was broke and other things I've noticed like big leather sofa and plasma TV's etc)... It's quite scary really.

He's just drop called me now... (he's run out of credit and I have lots) another thing... UGH... have I got MUG written all over me? well, I will have a good hard talk now and see where my blessings are really. Either in loosing a £100 but waking up in time, or fretting for nothing..

hmmmm debts or gambling are the things that spring to mind, how else has he paid for this stuff?

he is oviously no good with money but you have got a child to think about that is really shallow

He's rubbish with money. Some people just are, but it's a bad idea to be too closely entwined with such peope (unless you are absolutely minted yourself and the crap-with-money person is spectactuarly good in bed or has other useful skills).

I have a friend who has a 3 year old DD. Friend split with DP when DD was 1 year old. Since the beginning of their relationship he was emotionally and physically abusive. Since they split he has continued to be emotionally abusive to her and has done little to financially support his DD while parading around in new clothes, car etc while friend has had to borrow and go without in order to buy nappies, pay child care fees. In November she met a nice man and they?ve be dating ever since. She wasn?t immediately attracted, but over the weeks developed feeling for him. Last month she told her ex she had met someone. Well he flipped, threatened to slap her, called her some horrid names and said he won?t have DD over night, just so she could sleep around with other men. Threatened to tell new man what a dirty money grabbing person she was and tell him she?d been sleeping around with him and others while seeing him. (this has never been the case, though he has had numerous partners since they split, new man is the first person she dated since splitting with ex)

After a few days, he obviously realised his bullying tactics we not working, so tried to emotional route. Texting and calling, declaring his love, begging her to give their relationship another go. She was quite strong at first, seeing through his smoke screen. As the weeks progressed, she came round to his advances and started sleeping with him and ended things with the new man. Yesterday, the ex told her that perhaps he was wrong; they shouldn?t try again, told her he was wrong and doesn't love her. Now, I know this was his plan all along, my friend knew this too. We talked about it, predicting his next move and were seldom wrong. Yet, she went back to him. She has always admitted she had feelings, but felt the new man was helping her over come them. She has also admitted what a total bastard he is and how better less complicated life is without him. She is heartbroken.

I?m cross with her for giving into him, I?m fuming at him for do this too her. How can I help my friend break this cycle and move on from her ex? How can I show her that she is worth more than what he can offer her?

allwaysdoingsomething, you need to start a new thread, rather than putting it on an old one, you will get many more responses that way