dp doesn't have any respect for me. dont know what to do anymore

[juicychops]

just spent 20 mins writing a really long message and then when i clicked 'create conversation' it just bloody disappeared! so this is now the shorter version...

2 and a half months ago i gave dp some library books to take back for me as the library is 1 mon walk from his work. for 3 days in a row i asked him if he had taken them back and he said no, il do it tomorrow. the 4th day he said yes he's done it.

went to the library today expecting to pay a fine of about £8 as the books were a bit overdue when i gave them to dp. the fine is at £36 and still counting. i made a big fuss saying that dp definately took them back and they need to search the library for them. i rang dp and he said they are in his car, he hasn't taken them back yet. so i looked an idiot and had to appologise to the lady. i was angry with dp even though he said he would pay (damn right too!) but when i was still annoyed with him after he said he would pay he moaned at me sayin whats the problem?

the other day i bought some lovely chocs which i had been waiting for the shop to have in stock for 3 weeks. i explained to dp how much i was looking forward to them but he asked if he could have them for his kids. i said no. the next day i discovered he had taken them when he left my house that morning without even asking or telling me. again i was really angry with him and he just called me a child and pathetic and its not like he doesn't buy me lots of dinners and chocs.

its just little things like this wearing me down. im at my wits end now and dont think i can take much more. i cant talk to him about it as he gets defensive and thinks he can do no wrong and that its all my fault

Why are you with him?

Do you have children together?

He sounds awful.

Sorry - that wasn't very helpful - I just meant, is there any reason why you feel you have to stay with him? He clearly isn't making you happy. He is treating you badly. IMO.

get rid now, doesnt sound as though it will get any better........

He sounds like an extra child in the house.

The first time he treated you with no respect he learnt that he could get away with it and it seems he has continued to do so.

It is time to have the talk..

i think i love him. my mum asked me what it is i love about him and i said i love him because i know he loves me. he's very generous, and he's always there for me if i need someone to talk. to or need anything if its important.

but the bad things are starting to outway the good now. he's lazy, he doesn't take me seriously, he thinks my life is so unimportant compared to his because i only work part time and only have one child whereas he works full time and he has 3 kids. (we have no kids together).

i just have this image of what i want him to be - like the perfect boyfriend, and i know i will never find that in anyone, but he just isn't close anymore like he used to be. its like he doesn;t try with us anymore. its just too hard to leave him though cos i do love him and care a great deal for him and we've been together 3 years ive known him for 9 years. i just cant imagine him not in my life. and he does always say the same about me. i know that if we split up it would really hurt him badly

On the face of it these aren't big events but it sounds like they are big to you.

They are exactly the same behaviour: you asked him to do (or not do) something, he didn't do it, you found out and were cross, he told you you were being silly.

This could be something simple: he knows he was in the wrong but deals with that by getting defensive when you are cross with him (rather than being grown up and apologising). Or it could be something bigger, like he doesn't think you have the same rights as him.

But if you can't stand it, and he won;t talk about it, why stick with him?

''This could be something simple: he knows he was in the wrong but deals with that by getting defensive when you are cross with him (rather than being grown up and apologising).''
i think that is it. he very rarely ever says sorry. and by the time he has done something and we've had an argument about it, he's managed to turn it around so i look like the one being over the top or that its my fault for making it into a big deal that he refuses to apologise

Juicychops - I'm afraid I have to agree with Nabster on this one.

My husband was great up until we married and now he's and a#$.

If this guy is treating you like this now and you aren't even wedded yet, run and run fast baby girl.

I know you are concerned about him and his feelings, but he should not be protected at your expense.

i suppose your all right. deep down i know your right and i know its not working. its just so hard to end it

Juicychops, get rid of him now. He's actually more toxic than you think: he is behaving like this deliberately, taking your things and lying to you about your books etc. The idea is to make you doubt your own judgement, feel that you must be unreasonable, back down every time etc.
The fact that you think you 'love' the tosspot suggests that he has done a fair bit of brainwashing on you already. 'Love' is not something that comes from outside and is beyond your control, you know. Judge this bellend by his actions not his words: his actions show that he not only doesn't care about your feelings, but that he is trying to gain power over you, he thinks you are his property and he's entitled to torment you and make you obey him.

But the longer you leave it the harder it will get.

I think your doubts run much deeper than these two incidents.

Taking something from someones house when you know that the object is not yours - it is stealing and that isn't a small thing.

You say that he is there for you and listens but thta you are not as important as him because you dont have as many children or work as many hours.

We are not judged on how many children we have or how many hours we work - we are all important and if this man is making you feel that you are not worthy then he isn't the man for you

Juicychops: Didn't you have another thread about a horrible abusive XP? (sorry if have got this wrong) Because unfortunately women who have had abusive partners in the past often get involved with abusive men again, because they are not sure what a healthy relationship is like and (for instance) will feel 'love' for a controlling, manipulative abuser because he doesn't actually get violent (yet...).
Remember this, it's better to be single.

It's not enough to love someone because they love you. That's not love, that's gratitude. You need to love someone because of how they are, how they cherish you, respect you, care for you, demonstrate their love through actions not just words, and who they ARE, not the validation they gie you.
What you describe is dependence, not love, sorry hon. He doesn't deserve you, he doesn't respect you, and I doubt he loves you.

over the next few days im going to write down everything i have problems with and sit dp down and talk to him about it. then once everything is out i will wait a few weeks and see what happens. if nothing changes i think that will be it

just cant give up until i know i have done every single thing possible to sort this out. once ive done this i think that will be it