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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do I get my DH to realise it isn't all about him?

24 replies

OrmIrian · 28/03/2009 16:16

DD was in a massive sulk today because I wouldn't buy her a new PS2 game. For various reasons. I was happy to give her a reward for her fanastic work in school but not that expensive. So sulks and tears. In fact she looked so woebegone that in one shop she was a few yards away from me and a lady asked her if she was lost

Aaannnyway. DH got very upset at this. He kept telling her to snap out of it, he was biting everyone else's heads off. DS#1 was tiptoeing around him and I was also getting snappy (DH has that effect on people at times). And when we got home DH yelled at her that she had spoilt our trip out (not sure anyone else is quite so keen on shopping anyway but still...) so she cried even more. He said the magic words 'I'm fed up with it.'

DD's behaviour should have been ignored,he she didn't need to be bullied or shouted at and not pandered to either. Now he's taken her off to riding so that he can spend some time with her. Why does everything become such a drama? DD is a bit of a tragedy queen but why does he take it personally.

How do I get him to see that he has to let it go. Let it flow over his head and not allow it to impact on the entire family. DD sulking is one thing, DH in a strop makes everyone unhappy.

OP posts:

nk65alot · 28/03/2009 18:15

Your DH thinks he should have authority over DD and so feels out of control when this happens. But why take DD riding to reward such bad behaviour?

EffiePerine · 28/03/2009 18:19

I can understand your frustration, DH also has a short fuse. But he is allowed to feel angry about your DD's behaviour. If I had a drama queen for a daughter I'd get a bit fraught too

weakattheknees · 28/03/2009 21:31

Do you spoil DD? Rewards for good school work should come from school supplemented by support and praise from home. But start "buying things" and it will never end.

I'm actually with DH on this. It seems on your own you allow/ignore this kind of behaviour. Todler tantrums we expect but how old is DD?

And why do you call 'I'm fed up with it' magic words. Sounds reasonable to me.

solidgoldbrass · 28/03/2009 21:32

THing is, if he takes her riding after having been snappy, isn't that him showing/telling her that he's sorry for being unreasonably nasty and that he does love her? If he carried on sulking and barking all day, then he would be being unreasonable, but a tantrumy/whiny child does get on one's tits every now and again.

beanieb · 28/03/2009 21:38

Was the riding already planned? Would you have preferred if he had punished her more by canceling the riding?

Maybe that is the way to tackle it - withdrawing priviliges, depending on how old she is.

Is it possible that she is a bit demanding and that's what he's fed up with - perhaps you could both work together to teach her that she can't have everything she asks and so a tantrum every time is not mean she gets her own way.

Original poster

OrmIrian · 29/03/2009 08:07

The riding was already arranged. She didn't actually want to go today but we insisted.

Yes we do reward good work with things they want sometimes. Sometimes it's a day out, a meal or the cinema. Beleive me she had done exceptionally well and we are very pleased with her. No I don't spoil DD weak, buying your DC things from time to time does not = spoilt

'I'm fed up with it' is magic words because it makes it all about how he feels. When what was needed was to simply ignore her, or at least ignore the behaviour. And IMO DH is the drama queen. I expect childish behaviour from a 9yr old. I don't expect it from an adult! And why is it OK for an adult to take out his frustrations on the entire family, most of whom were behaving impeccably?

OP posts:

Original poster

OrmIrian · 29/03/2009 08:10

One child sulking, ignored by the rest of the family, is a problem for that child.
One child sulking plus one adults ranting and stropping is a problem for the entire family.

OP posts:

Original poster

OrmIrian · 29/03/2009 08:15

And I didn't want to punish her. SHe didn't get what she wanted so she wa upset. I'm not going to punish her for that. Simply ignoring the behaviour is enough to get her to know that sulking doesn't work. DH turning it into a drama made it into s big thing.

And when will he finally understand that no-one in the family actually likes shopping apart from him?

OP posts:

compo · 29/03/2009 08:18

why don't you let him go shopping on his own?

EffiePerine · 29/03/2009 10:44

Def stay at home next time

mrsmaidamess · 29/03/2009 11:05

Speak to him. Make him see the bigger picture, the effect his 'moods' have on everyone. Show him there is an alternative (ignoring) that teaches a much more valuable lesson.

It sounds like your dh and your dd are cut from the same cloth Perhaps make a joke about it next time and leave the '2 sulkers' together while the rest of you go home!

Original poster

OrmIrian · 29/03/2009 11:42

Ha! Nail hit squarely on the head mrsm! But tell either of them they are the same and they'd be outraged

compo - we do usually but then he gets upset about the fact that he and I never go shopping together anymore .

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weakattheknees · 29/03/2009 11:50

I'm not trying to take sides, really, but it does seem you don't give much thought for how your DH feels. And when he tells you "I'm fed up with it" = magic words; it's all about him, you just find that stroppy, get angry yourself and jump on Mumnet to complain.

OK I know you are trying to be constructive. But just as DH can't cope with DD moods neither can you cope with DH's moods.

Let DH go shopping on his own. Your shopping trips sound like hell.

Original poster

OrmIrian · 29/03/2009 16:55

You are quite right. But DH is an adult. And my annoyance is kept under control. Unlike his. And I try not to punish everyone else when I'm cross - he makes no such attempt and makes us all miserable.

Surely you can see that is unacceptable behaviour?

And I wish DH could jump on mumsnet to whinge about me (or DD) rather than being vile to the rest of the family .

OP posts:

Original poster

OrmIrian · 29/03/2009 17:03

However weak, you may well be right. I probably am not as understanding of DH as I am of the children. But I sort of expect more of him. And I do get fed up of being with such a joy-eater at times. He can rob the nicest day of happiness when he decides someone isn't doing what he wants.

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UnquietDad · 29/03/2009 17:07

This is why going shopping "as a family" is a bad idea. I stay at home.

Quattrocento · 29/03/2009 17:09

Your DH sounds like mine (apart from the love of shopping).

A typical scene would involve:

DD stropping

DH losing his rag and storming in going "I'm not putting up with this - I'm not going out for lunch with her!!" And sulking upstairs

FFS How very grown-up.

Original poster

OrmIrian · 29/03/2009 17:36

Ah yes... that's the sort of thing quattro.

uqd - normally we avoid them. Tis a living hell. But DH still beleives that it is possible to have a nice time with 4 shopping phobics of varying ages from 6 to 44 yrs. WHen will he learn?

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Quattrocento · 29/03/2009 17:42

I don't know if this is any help but the only thing that actually worked was once when I burst out laughing (genuinely).

It's not often that you can see the funny side of family rows but it was truly hilarious. DH was acting just as badly as DD. I just told him so and he managed to calm down and behave.

Original poster

OrmIrian · 29/03/2009 17:45

That isn't a bad idea. When I've tried to tell him what I disliked about his behaviour (later not at the time) he has got very cross. So I try not to

OP posts:

Original poster

OrmIrian · 29/03/2009 19:18

The really odd thing is that he is getting worse as he gets older. More demanding and childish. He had a horrible childhood in some ways (late FIL was not the best of role models) but in the past he has been the most reasonable and mild-mannered of people. The DCs seem to have sent him round the twist, whereas I feel I have become more patient and less self-centred (I may be wrong about that last bit )

OP posts:

bodiddly · 29/03/2009 19:25

my dp can be just like this ... he usually realises half an hour or so later that he has been unreasonable but by then he has ruined it for everyone else and whereas he is a firey tempered shouter I am more of a sulker (doesnt make for a good atmosphere let me assure you)! I get more annoyed by his behaviour than ds'. There are times when I have laughed at him and said "are you seriously getting in a strop over something as minor as xyz" ... it has pulled him out of it on the rare occasion but more often than not it is hunger induced! I think it is largely down to the fact that he is not the one who deals with ds most of the time so he overreacts rather than ignores .. as you say!

weakattheknees · 29/03/2009 22:40

I don't think laughing is a good idea - you'll sound like a witch.

This bit was interesting: "The DCs seem to have sent him round the twist, whereas I feel I have become more patient and less self-centred". Obviously you both have different expectations as to what behaviours you are prepared to tolerate in the children and you are simply more tolerant. Worryingly you both seem to be diverging over this.

Many of us do seem to get more grumpy as we get older. MIL is much less tolerant than me.

Maybe DH is used to being more in control in his working environment and finds it hard to relax at home.

Original poster

OrmIrian · 30/03/2009 07:57

I haven't perfected my witchy cackle yet ( no matter what you might think weak ) I think I could manage a bit better than that!

He is an LSA for children with special needs. Soon to be a teacher. Maybe he does feel more in control at work. But then again, so do I.

OP posts:

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