Words of encouragement please, feel like sh*t.

[fleurlechaunte]

Having a shite day today. Have posted numerous times about my ex. Having a bit of an off day though because my kids are missing him and we all just feel miserable and sad. I have posted on numerous occasions about what an arse he was but today I can't seem to feel it. I think maybe I was more at fault than I have admitted and it more my fault that we couldn't get along. My friend is having problems with her dh and is bringing back memories.

I don't want to get into a big rant but he was a real pig, very verbally abusive, occasionally physical as well, spat in my face twice during the relationship. He said I could never admit when I was in the wrong or say sorry and that is why he behaved the way he did. I have never had a problem saying sorry but I would never say sorry for something HE believed me to have done wrong if I didn't agree with it and he couldn't stand that. For example if I forgot to take a dummy out and dd had a tantrum, he would mutter under his breath about the dummy and make the tantrum all about that. He said I should admit I was in the wrong for forgetting and take responsibility and say to him that I would try not to do it again. I just couldn't bring myself to do that which apparently made me "arrogant" and how was he expected to have a decent relationship with someone who could never admit to being wrong. I now that sounds silly but it is that sort of thing that we constantly argued about. His need to blame for trivial things and for me to apologise and "make it up" and promise it would never happen again. I had to "be brought to book and systems put in place to make sure these things never happen again".

He was unfaithful many times, found text messages and numbers etc, some of which he was asking the ow for sex. He said it was because I wasn't having sex with him, which just wasn't true. It tailed off when ds was tiny and then stopped altogether when I found the text messages.

He drank an almighty amount. Pissed nearly every night though managed to hold down a job. He would often urinate on the sofa because he was so drunk and regularly stayed out all night. Even on family holidays would go off for one or two nights alone for his own night off, usually staying out all night. Did this when both dc were new borns as well, disappeared for days at a time.

Always telling me I was a bad mother, that I was selfish and had no maternal instinct because I wanted to go to college or if I didn't attend to the children as quickly as he wanted me to. I am a bloody great mother, the only thing I have ever really been any good at in fact. Always suggesting that I was no good for my kids, would screw them up later in life because I was such a shit person.

When concerns about my ds having autism were first raised and I said we should take him to the GP, he went nuts at me and said that I wanted ds to have autism so I could get loads of attention for myself.

He tells me he is different now and would never be like that again, that he was too young to get married but we were married for 7 years and it never really got any better, nothing changed. He says that I am holding onto the past and if I could just let it go then we could be a happy family again.

Sorry this is so long, wanted to write it all for my own sake really so I could see it all in black and white again.

I feel like crap. I have written all this down and I know it looks bad but underneath I still wonder did I make him like that because deep down I think I did. He was lovely when I first met him. Is it normal to feel so confused like this. I can't seem to just make a clean break. What a shit day.

I'm unsure whether to just slap you with a wet fish so you get annoyed at me instead of you

Do you really need to start blaming yourself for this?

Have you any idea how harsh with yourself you are in your tone?

He sounds like a total passive aggressive aresehole whom you are better off without!!

PLease try as much as you can to stop beating yourself up - you don't deserve it

of course he was lovely when you first met him, everyone is lovely when you first meet them. nobody walks up to strangers and gives them a card saying

"Hi, I'm George. I'm a complete cunt. I will wine you and dine you, and treat you like a princess for 3 months, but when you are 5 months pregnant with our child, I will get drunk, and we will have a row about house keys that will result in me breaking your nose. I will cry and apologise the next day, but realistically, since I pressured you into quitting your job, I know you are completely financially reliant on me and can't afford to leave - I just want you to keep fucking me so I don't have to go to the effort of finding someone who will. Fancy a drink?"

in other words him = twat and you = had lucky escape

Hi Fc. I haven't read any of your other posts but Sorry to hear you are having such a hard day.

Read back through your opening post. Look at it as though some other mumsnetter had written it. It will help you realise that you are better without him, and help you remember why you are no longer together.

Save it so that when you have your doubtful moments, you can have a read and it will reinforce your belief that you have done the right thing in splitting up. You know, when you lie awake at 3am with your mind going nineteen to the dozen and you cant call anyone.

In the short to longterm i would advocate counselling, it really helped me realise that i hadn't caused all the problems in my marriage and that i was better off without him. We had similar issues to yours.

Also try and laugh, get the girlies round to yours some night, with a few drinks, and just relax and enjoy yourself. Surround yourself with people that are good for you, who care for you and your well being.

in the meantime keep posting, mumsnet is a great place to get strength from, when you feel you cant get it face to face from other people.

Onwards and upwards girl!

Thanks [watery smile emoticon].

He keeps bringing up the fact that he was very generous with money while we were together. He wasn't at the beginning, he used to take me shopping and tell me I didnt need any money for myself because the cupboards and fridge were full.

As he started earning more he did get better and was quite generous (never as generous as he was to himself though, I could never afford designer clothes and go out at least 4 nights a week). He says if he was a much an arse as I think he wouldn't have been generous like that. It just screws up my head because he is right it doesnt fit in with him being a complete arse.

It is just a wall in my mind that I can't seem to break down, that maybe I got it wrong and just a few changes in me would have made all the difference. I know I am being silly but I just can't feel it (to misquote the Hugh Grant character in "About a Boy").

you can't make someone behave like that it is their decision (especially as an adult) to behvae like that.

He is still blaming you for the effect his behaviour has had on your family life - "He says that I am holding onto the past and if I could just let it go then we could be a happy family again"

No if he hadn't behaved so abominably you could have had a happy family. The results are all from his actions but he is still trying to make you responsible for it. Him saying "that he was too young to get married" again is a cop out. He is making excuses not taking responsibilty. What about if it got hard again? Would he then start behaving badly? There would always be something he could use as an excuse.

I would work on your self-esteem and learn that you are not responsible for what he did and you are still not responsible for the outcome. Rather than place yourself back in teh same situation again.

Don't be too hard on yourself today. Tomorrow will be a better day.

Lol RidiculousCrush so true.

MN has been amazing, a massive support network. Feel slightly better already. Do think I could do with counselling, maybe get a referral from my GP, had some sessions before about something else and it really helped.

So, in his opinion, if he had given you a Prada handbag he had, say, 10 goes at spitting in your face?

What was it, a pay per punch arrangement?

PS you have the right to dump gabriel himself - if YOU do not think you can have a nice (FOR YOU!!!!) relationship.

He doesn't get to change the past by changing the future - in a way, he is right in saying that the past is past. It IS past, he CANNOT change it, make up for it, and you shouldn't be pressured by him into forgetting his appalling past behavior just because he wants his own fucking way!

Loads of great advice on here fleur.

Felt really sad reading your post because it is so not fair that you feel that things are your fault, especially considering the way he treated you. Writing everything down the way that you will be a good help to you, therapeutic. A one poster says, read it back and pretend someone else wrote it.

I can't help always feeling horrified when I read how some women have been treated by men who are supposed to have loved them. It is completely disgraceful. These men are so convincing they have you doubting yourself. It is just not right. I know it is also not right but sometimes I wish someone would come along and bully the bully, let them know how it feels to be treated like a piece of crap and manipulated into a former shadow of themselves. Emotional damage which takes an age to repair.

Anyway, I am rambling. You need to forget this eejit and pat yourself on the back for managing to get through this so far

Life goes on, you will be fine, tomorrow is another day but....he will always be an arse

Thanks for you replies.

I am feeling somewhat better, having done a few searches on all my name changes that I used because I was so embarassed that I was putting up with so much and didn't want people to think me pathetic. There was stuff on there I didn't even remember had happened, thats how much has gone on.

I sure I will still have wobbly days but I know I really don't want to be with him.

I think I have quite low self esteem and because being without him makes me happy I think that must mean that I am being selfish and I don't deserve it, which is ridiculous but again I know it but I can't feel it. A bit complicated I know but I am not very good at doing things that are good for me.

That shitbag really did a number on you, fleur. Were you brought up to believe that women are inferior to men and must obey and placate and service them? Because all his treatment of you as you describe it is the behaviour of someone who thinks that, because he is the one in the relationship who has a penis, he is your owner.
He's a nasty, inadqueate, selfish tosspot and you are very well rid of him. Best of luck in building a lovely new tosspot-free life for yourself and your DD.

My spelling and grammar is terrible

Anyway, your self esteem will come back and it'll happen when you realise that it is ok to be happy and fulfilled without him. Yes you will have down moments and the situ with your friend, like you say, brings it back a bit but these moments will become less and less over time. It takes time to undo the lessons that this loser he has taught you.

Someone once said something to me that made real sense. That when something traumatic/bad/shocking/abusive happens and you come out the other side, your head can be like a massive filing cabinet that has been shook upside down. All the files are mixed up, strewn everywhere and out of order. The job of fixing it all back into a systematic order is hard work, time consuming and tiring. But, when you have done it, it is so worthwhile and you won't let anyone near it that is likely to mess it up, you become protective because you don't want to start it all over again.

Sorry if that sounds a bit deep or weird but in a lot of ways it makes sense, you need to finish (because you started when you got rid of him) off getting yourself back in order and once you have done that, it will be so worth it

And by the way you're NOT pathetic!!

Hey there! Hope u r feelin better after all the encouragin comments! This man sounds exactly lik my dad! A control freak with issues become he is lying&cheatin himself! My mom was married 2 him 4 10yrs. The first few he was amazin,all the family loved him,he had£ &a gud job,regular prince charmin! He&my mom tried 4 6yrs 2 hav me. But half way through that time he started 2 change,drnkin all the time,resultin in him beatin her. It got 2 the point where she wouldn't even look up wen they wer out,4 fear he would acuse her of lookin@other men! But sadly enough she stayed wiv him&eventually I was conceived! He then left her@6mnths pregnant 2b wiv his other women (who I remember lookin lik a man&wounderin y he would want her ova my mom!) he then proceeded 2 mak her life hell! Tryin 2 tak me in the middle of the night,drunk,drivin his car! He also raped her infront of me,tho I dnt remember. She didn't go in2 that much detail,I hav found out by readin a copy of her witness statement wen she finally got the courage 2ask the courts that he never b able 2c me! This was granted&ive never heard anything from him since. I was 2yrs old,I'm now 27! She only got the courage 2 do this after nearly 15yrs of hell,because she meet the man who is my dad now,who took me on&took us both away from this evil man! I guess the moral of my story is that wen u want to believe in sum1 it can realy grind u dwn until u dnt kno who u r anymore&u believe wot they r tellin u! No 1 eva changes that much,and my dad only wanted me 2hurt my mom! U need 2 tell him that if he wants 2 c his kids he should go through the courts&prove himself,u need 2 hav nothing more 2 do with him,cut him out of ur life&start again. Show ur children right from wrong&how to hav courage. Knowin wot my mom went through,I would never let a man treat me that way! Sorry 4 the super long reply! Hope things get better 4u,there's always a way out& a light at the end of the tunnel! Good luck! Xxx

Fleur, I posted on the EA thread with you and just wanted to offer you words of support.
My ex, when he had money, was really generous too. It didnt mean he was a good person, it simply gave him entitlement to say how good he was to me and how I didnt deserve it.
Please read this: It is long but may help you understand your feelings.
It is from an article called "Love and Stockholm Syndrome - the Mystery of Loving an abuser"

The ?Small Kindness? Perception

In threatening and survival situations, we look for evidence of hope ? a small sign that the situation may improve. When an abuser/controller shows the victim some small kindness, even though it is to the abusers benefit as well, the victim interprets that small kindness as a positive trait of the captor. In criminal/war hostage situations, letting the victim live is often enough. Small behaviors, such as allowing a bathroom visit or providing food/water, are enough to strengthen the Stockholm Syndrome in criminal hostage events.

In relationships with abusers, a birthday card, a gift (usually provided after a period of abuse), or a special treat are interpreted as not only positive, but evidence that the abuser is not ?all bad? and may at some time correct his/her behavior. Abusers and controllers are often given positive credit for not abusing their partner, when the partner would have normally been subjected to verbal or physical abuse in a certain situation. An aggressive and jealous partner may normally become intimidating or abusive in certain social situations, as when an opposite-sex coworker waves in a crowd. After seeing the wave, the victim expects to be verbally battered and when it doesn?t happen, that ?small kindness? is interpreted as a positive sign.

Similar to the small kindness perception is the perception of a ?soft side?. During the relationship, the abuser/controller may share information about their past ? how they were mistreated, abused, neglected, or wronged. The victim begins to feel the abuser/controller may be capable of fixing their behavior or worse yet, that they (abuser) may also be a ?victim?. Sympathy may develop toward the abuser and we often hear the victim of Stockholm Syndrome defending their abuser with ?I know he fractured my jaw and ribs?but he?s troubled. He had a rough childhood!?

Losers and abusers may admit they need psychiatric help or acknowledge they are mentally disturbed, however, it's almost always after they have already abused or intimidated the victim. The admission is a way of denying responsibility for the abuse. In truth, personality disorders and criminals have learned over the years that personal responsibility for their violent/abusive behaviors can be minimized and even denied by blaming their bad upbringing, abuse as a child, and now - video games. One murderer blamed his crime on eating too much junk food ? now known as the ?Twinkie Defense?.

While it may be true that the abuser/controller had a difficult upbringing ? showing sympathy for his/her history produces no change in their behavior and in fact, prolongs the length of time you will be abused. While ?sad stories? are always included in their apologies ? after the abusive/controlling event - their behavior never changes!

Keep in mind; once you become hardened to the ?sad stories?, they will simply try another approach. I know of no victim of abuse or crime who has heard their abuser say "I'm beating (robbing, mugging, etc.) you because my Mom hated me!"

HG that is very sounds advice and is what is starting to happen to me too

That is very scary Madameovary. I see myself when I read what you write. There is a page in Inside the mind of angry and controlling men where he writes of how the abuser will be nice to you to hook you back into the relationship. If you are already at your lowest ebb it is not hard to see why someone one fasten on that - anything to feel better.

I actually read him the points of what makes up a "Mr Right" type of abuser in that book, those who have it will know which bit I mean and he actually laughed till he cried because it was so him. He said "its like you told them to write that in the book", and he actually finds that funny, that he is a solid gold example of a known type of abuser. He, in all seriousness told me that I SHOULD listen to him, as he DOES know what is best for me and why can't I see it?. He is serious too.

Not so wobbly at the moment, concentrating on other things. Suddenly seem to have the energy to start addressing practicalities that I couldn't before when he was around because I was so low.

HG that is very true. My only problem is that I have to still have him in my life and listen to his crap to a certain extent because of the children, so the filing never all gets done, IYSWIM.

Thanks for all the great advice on here. Still feel so caught up in it all though and scared that will never change.

Take heart Fleur, the fact that you are finding energy to do things that you couldn't before, is a really good sign!
One of the worst effects of EA is that it robs us of our ability to be kind to ourselves, and not even notice.
I realized that I was so down on myself that if I spilled or dropped something I would say something like "oh well done" or "you idiot".
Now I say "never mind" or "don't worry".
CAT me if you want to talk over email, I am in similar situation to you but have started to develop coping strategies that seem to be working. Best one is "no contact" unless he gets in touch with me re DD. Also I treat everything he says as lies and manipulation and look at his actions instead. It helps me keep focussed on how he has absolutely nothing good to contribute to my life.

I also focus on the fact that the man I fell in love with never existed, he was an act to get me hooked. This was difficult and painful and I have spent a long time grieving for the death of my dreams of "us" but I can now no longer go back to fooling myself that he has a shred of decency in him, and that's good.
I have ordered the book too.