Is my bad taste in men a form of self harm?

[poshsinglemum]

Can anyone shed some light on this?

I had a good upbringing, went to a posh school, got good grades, had loving parents, I'm not ugly, fairly nice and I've had many advantages. However I'm not succeeding in life because of my atrocious taste in men.

I'm now a single mum on benefits and whilst I love it in some ways such as my freedom, it has made me realise that my taste in men is sabotaging my success in life. I look back on my past and not one man has made me happy. In fact i feel maimed by my experiences. It's got to the stage where i have given up as i no longer trust my judgemnet. DD is the best thing that's happened to me but even that is sad as her dad was so awful to me.

Beforre dd my dating style was self destructive and consisted of me getting wasted, meeting a guy in a bar, having sex, getting hung up and being devastated when they didn't call. dd's dad was the first man in a while to be nice to me, we weren't drunk when we met and i didn't fall into bed with him. But even he ran off in the end.

I'm going to cognitave behavioral therapy and self esteem classes in the future. At least i have given up drinking and bar crawling.

Does anyone else feel like this about their relationships?

I'm similar. Every relationship I've had in the past has been disatrous and I've never been in love. I don't think anyone I've been with has ever loved me either. (In fact, I know they didn't).

Yet I'm still attracted to the bad guys. Why? I have no idea.

BatmansWilly- I love your name!

I used to love badboys- that was half the trouble. I have gone off them completely in theory as I hav erealised that the nice guys are better and just as attractive yet the bad boys do make a bee line for me- aaaaaggggghhhrrr!

I think liking bad boys ia part of the self destructive urge- mabe a notion that love should equal excitement and pain rather than staedy commitment.

I think that in my past I have picked up a message that I do not deserve to be loved and that is why I'm off to cognitave behavioural therapy.

I was like this from the ages of 18-23yrs, then met my now DH (in a bar, whilst drunk!).

I know I had/have very low self-esteem and couldn't why anyone would want me for anything other than sex.

Good luck

I have a gf who does this. Rejects the nice ones as dull and picks men who we all know will make her unhappy. Dh's half sister is on her 3rd marriage - known as mark 3, as he's made out of the same mould as the previous two.

Is it because you can't judge people too well and end up with the baddies because everyone else rejects them on those grounds?

Or, is it that actually, you don't think you deserve to be loved?

You might not actually know that you don't feel you deserve to be loved. A lot of these feelings can be totally subconscious - but still jeapordise people's lives.

It might be worth seeing a psychotherapist if you are serious about turning your life around.

If it is the former - that you are a crap judge of character - remember that past behaviour is the best predictor of future behaviour. Adk lots of questions and make sure they answer them. If someone has been unfaithful before, they have more chance of being unfaithful again than someone who hasn't been (in general) etc etc. Sounds obvious, I know, but some people don't see the clues.

I have a theory (and it is only that!) - that if you have a positive relationship with your dad, got brothers or lots of male friends - then you have
a) by comparison, a better radar for spotting the complete no-nos
b)through them, more likelihood of meeting men who you will like rather than on random drunken stranger
and
c) men of a certain age who spend a lot of time in bars/pubs/nightclubs ought to be avoided

is it soemthing to do with a belief that nice girls don't approach men so you end up with the ones that approach you strongly enough that you fall in with them

Practice approaching nice guys yourself?

My sis is in exactly the same position. People are mystified at her choice in men considering her upbringing and background.

I think some of it can be bad luck...

Please give up dating for a while, too, it won't kill you to not do it, until you get your relationship with yourself on better footing.

There are sadly many women who sadly can't be without a relationship and as a consequence they never give themselves the chance to develop a good relationship with themselves that will help them to have a better shot at one with a man in teh future.

Or be just fine even if they don't.

Reality and expat speak the truth!

Also, success isn't measured by having a great partner. Success is you being yourself and being happy being yourself and then if you want it, the bonus can be meeting a nice person who compliments you, kicks your ass when you need it (metaphorically speaking of course) and who wants what is best for you and vice versa.

Thanks for the replies all.

Sadly I have no brothers. I have a good relationship with my dad but he really didn't have a clue how to deal with me as a teenager and all the teenage emotions which caused a lot of problems. He's otherwise lovely.

I had a very intense relationship at the age of 16 which lasted for 5 years. He was very controlling and whilst we were together he a strict vegan who tried to 'covert' me. When we first met he wasn't that extreme. This resulted in me developing a serious eating disorder and dropping out of Uni. He was jealous as I got into uni and he didn't. I later went back to uni after we finished but I wa sso with myself that I let him destroy me to that extent.

There were many occasions when I felt stifled by him and I realise now that i wanted to escape but didn't know how.

He phoned up 5 years later to apologise as I think he knew how much damage he'd caused. It took a failed marriage with two children for him to realise that!

Since him I have no success. I got into boozing as a way of rebelling against his puritanical diet.

I am so happy being dd's mum but I can see that I've been a fool when it comes to men. I am linked to a wrongun forever through dd.

Fab checklist reality. Well apart from the 'relationship with parents' part. I have a non relationship with one parent and a 'just ok' relationship with another, not my fault, just the way it is. I don't like to be judged on that but I often am (by 'perfect' MIL and such like) and it is really unfair as I'm a pretty stable and open person. If my DH had judged me on that we wouldn't be together, mind you, if I judged him purely on his mother, we wouldn't be together either .

I do know what you mean though and OP should defo print your list out and stick it on the fridge door as a reminder

No, not offended at all reality. I know what you mean about apron strings, that's a real passion killer

I really like and admire your views on relationships. You're 100% spot on and I'm guessing a lot of it comes from having crappy relationships a good few times in the past, like where the OP is now.

It's what I love about MN, real peoples experiences, opinions and overcoming lifes obstacles, you can't beat it

PSM

I think both your Dad and the guy you had a relationship with at 16 have a hell of a lot to answer for. Its small wonder you have been in poor choice relationships since.

I'm glad you're going to address the underlying causes; it takes a brave person to do so and admit there is a problem that needs sorting.

Hi again all,

I know that my relationship with my dad should have a bearing on my relationships so how come my sister has a wonderful relationship with a wonderful man? They never seem to argue- their relationship seems effortless with lots of shared interests. My sister would never dream of persuing some of the disasterous men that I have fallen foul of. She has a sensible head on her shoulders and can spot a rat a mile off. Then she does the normal thing and runs a mile! I, on the other hand, spot a rat and think 'Oh goodie- a challenge. Lets cause myself huge amounts of emotional pain and upset for me and my family and pursue him.'
I compare myself with my sister all the time and it makes me feel like a failure.

I just feel so duh when it comes to men. I have no common sense or emotional intelligence.

I think that the checklist is very sensible. I thought that dd's dad does tick of all of the boxes apart from the relationship with his parents. His mum died when he was younger and I think that has messed him up. His dad is alos a tyrant. I really did think he was different from all the rest but it's my fault for getting pregnant six months into the relationship. I was being stupid as usual. I love dd to bits but I wish I had waited till the relationship was more secure.

Feeling a bit depressed today so sorry for the rant.