Husband is obnoxious can anyone help with advice!

[lilindianmama1980]

I'm a young wife and mother with 2 children and a step child.

My husband and I have been together 4 years and he's becoming more and more difficult to deal with.

He's bossy and he says things that are hurtful. He is not abusive physically but his attitude is horrible.

Ex: I just had our baby together on March 16 and he didn't comfort me at all and I had back labor so I had to take the epidural for the pain and to help dilate. All he said is this is what you wanted. When it was time to push he finally came to hold my leg but complained about how disgusting it was to watch the birth.

The baby is home and he doesn't really help at all and he wanted to go fishing and I had a doctors appointment and he complained about watching the baby and said that why he didn't want anymore children and that's what I wanted and called it having to babysit.

I can't have sex yet because I'm not healed and he teases me sexually and quite frankly becoming aroused is a bit painful at the moment and he said he wanted to get me drunk so that he could take advantage of me.

I don't argue with him anymore about his harsh words because he says oh not that s#$% again and I just act like I don't hear him and walk away, feelings hurt and heart broken.

He used to be a great guy when we first got together and he says the best thing he did was marry me. Is it because I'm a fool that takes care of him and I just give in

oh dear - poor you. Sorry you are going through this.

Do you think it is the streses of having very young children that have made him like this? Obviously you have both gone through massive changes recently with the baby. Is your other child his too?

1 - in labour, he was unsupportive and vile
2- he doesn't help with the childcare
3 - he resents the baby (was it true he didn't want another baby?)
4 - he threatens to rape you with post partum injuries in a 'humourous' way
5 - he dismisses your feelings and doesn't care that he hurts you...

He is not and never has been a great guy. He is an emotional abuser, a manipulator, a despicable and low person. He gets off on sexually taunting you and makes 'jokes' about raping you when you are drunk. Obviously I'd suggest counselling as a couple before saying ditch him but if I were you - I'd be looking at my options and gearing towards a split (I know easier said than done with a new baby but he's a shit and shits like that are shits to the core)

How awful for you. I do sympathise, do you have any other kind of support, family or friend.
You do need someone to talk to about this, hv?
My ex was as unsupportive as yours when I gave birth and have since found out through therapy that it is a power and control thing with him. Either he needs to get help or you need to get out, Sorry but you need to look after you and your babies. I wished I got out sooner and suffered too much thinking it was me. But don't do this to yourself. Good luck

I believe kat2907 has sumed this up well.

In couples counselling it gives you a safe forum to tell him that you aren't prepared to tollerate his abuse any more - either he sorts himself out or

Maybe starting to get yourself prepared for a split would be advisable?

You clearly deserve so much better than this - would you allow anyone else to treat you in this way? I hope it all goes well for you.

I don't know how you change this kind of situaton around once someone begins treating you in such a vile and respectless manner. It's truly horrible for you. Counselling if he agrees to join you might be a good way forward as the last poster suggested.

Was it like this after your first baby was born too?

in what way was he a great guy - how did it manifest itself?
Are you saying he did specific things that showed you that he cared and respected you and now does not?

sounds like he wanted the 1-1 relationship with you but not children in the marriage. Is it that?

Does the stepchild live with you too?

My eldest child is not his she is 11 yrs old and his daughter is 7 so it's his hers and ours.

When we first got together he was nice and sweet and caring and once we got married I learned how his family was brought up and that he asked them to behave not to scare me away and I found out how he flew through so many women and refused to even marry his daughters mother. Why did he choose me?

He tried to apologize after he said the thing about not wanting anymore children, but I just walked away before I broke into tears cuz I won't let him see me cry.

I warned him when we got together that I was in a bad marriage of 6 years and would not be abused again and if he could deal with what I expected from him then we could give it a shot.

He was great before we married what happened?

He is also a great father to his daughter and my eldest daughter, he brings them fishing and spoils them rotten. I don't know why he's so different with our new baby together.

I knew that splitting was an option at the top of my list because I won't be abused anymore, ever, but I was hoping I could try to fix the problem first.

I stayed because I knew my eldest daughter was safe with him. She was hurt by my last husband and he's lucky the cops got to him before I did.

If I could just get back the man I fell in love with things would be great, but now I wonder if that man even truly existed in the first place or was he just playing me like a fool, like oh look there's the perfect dummy who will take good care of me no matter what type of man I am.

Thanks to all of you for your concern and advice. I'm glad I've finally found a place to vent.

I'm so sorry, you have been through a lot. Could he be a bit insecure and jealous of the baby coming between you? Something like that?

Did he change when you got married? Or only when you had the baby?

This does sound like classic abusive behaviour. SGB is better at explaining it then me but basically their "game plan" is being nice till you marry them, then they feel they have won so the real behaviour emerges. You havent done anything wrong and he hasnt changed - this is who he really is. It isnt funny to nag you about sex and make those jokes at all. And his attitude in labour is awful. I really think you need to consider where the relationship can go as I dont think you should stay. These men tend to escalate eventually and it is always excused somehow.

May I just say that couples counselling should NOT NOT NOT be done with an abusive partner.

They will use whatever is said in the "safe" forum against you at another time.

Go for counselling alone, by all means - but PLEASE don't set yourself up for harm by taking him along too

Thanks for the heads up on the book Dittany, I've ordered it.

Thank you all I think I will go for some counseling ALONE.

they say when u have been with an abusive partner u attract another one the only way to get out of that is to go for counselling i was also in a abusive relationship